Crisis and Conformity

*another excerpt from my brain... may not be completely coherent or even remotely. Please forgive me but I am in a raw kind of mood right now so this will be a raw sort of post. Honesty though, is one thing that is pretty uniformly found in my writing  So, if it doesn't make sense, chalk it up to my brain being special and if it does... I hope it helps you to see life through my lens a bit.

I make no point in trying to hide my past. It seems like wiping out a significant part of myself. It seems so false. It seems like I am lying to make my life look more peachy than it is or to feel like I have no faults. The truth is I have all sorts of faults and learning and understanding my personality and what makes me tick is one way to slowly unravel lots of the unhealthy habits and thoughts that I have.

My family has been... somewhat aggressive in trying to talk with me recently. It has slowed finally and I even knew that it was coming. I prepared for it. I made a plan for it. I had a midweek crisis phone session with my counselor to further solidify my plan and strengthen my resolve to stick with the boundaries. I actually wrote super huge in my journal "STICK TO THE BOUNDARIES". My whole life... I have been honest in my words and in the intentions behind my words but rarely could stick it out. I have an intense need to please people. It is fierce. It colors pretty much all of my actions and in some ways it has been a useful coping mechanism and kept me functional. There is no staying in bed when I am depressed, I have children who NEED me. I do things out of obligation so often that I am really sometimes not sure what my own feelings on the matter are. If I am just trying to meet expectations or if I actually feel I am doing the right thing.

Anyway now to crisis... my family in crisis is an odd mix. We really are not good at communicating with one another. Not on a normal basis and not in crisis mode. There are lots of personality conflicts. A whole lot of black and white thinking going on. The problem... my black is their white and vice versa. So we end up getting very frustrated with one another. The communication skills are just... not there. Well, generally speaking... I don't talk to my family. We see each other a few times a year but we have our own lives. We have our own minor and major problems. We have a hard time communicating. We, in some ways, function better with some distance. At least I feel that way. I can't speak for them. I think we would all like a closer more "normal" relationship with one another but it has never worked out like that. And we do okay. We are not close and we are not normal but we love each other in our own ways. And generally speaking, I know my mom and brothers would cut off their right arms if they thought it would help me. Which is where crisis mode comes in. My families crisis mode overwhelms me. It is like we can not speak for a year and if they feel there is a crisis it is overload. And I don't know how to process it. I don't know what I think of it and I really don't like all of the attention. (especially not in the form of pity or figuring out who is to blame). I mean they definitely want to band together and be this super family when there is a crisis but there is no... foundation... for it. So it is very forced and uncomfortable. Like I said... I expected it but I want to morph it into something that works for me instead of something that brings me anxiety and makes me feel overwhelmed. Which is the importance of all the "boundaries" I guess. It is complicated and I know they are trying to help me in their own way. But I just want people to stop... trying to solve it on their own end. It can't be solved. There is no box and bow to wrap it in. No neat little solution. And the "black and white" thinking is blowing up in my face... people strongly suggestion to me the right way to handle it. Me feeling very obligated to do what is the absolute best possible thing. Because it is bigger than me. But... I don't have to answer to their right and wrong and I don't have to feel obligated or coerced into taking on their feelings and emotions too. And I guess that is the point of needing space. I just can't handle all of their emotions in addition to mine.

Which for as much as I am learning that I can't conform to what they need me to be or how they think I should act. I am starting to really discover and dissect my own issues with wanting/needing/feeling owed that they conform to how I want them to be. When I can no more conform someone than they can conform me. I have to have their permission for one (and I give people permission to conform me by my own personality flaws and insecurities) but  also I just can't ever spend enough time with someone to perfect and groom them into someone I want them to be. It just can not be done. Not to say I am giving up and declaring that nothing needs changed. But I am trying to be realistic and slowly trying to tweak my thinking on the subject. I want something from my mom and something from my brother and something from my step dad, etc, etc, etc that they can not give. I want the "ideal family". I want what I often think that some of my friends have. I want good, healthy relationships with my family. I want to feel loved and respected and valued. But maybe it just can't be done. And maybe I need to... I don't know, stop basing my expectations on something I have never had and will probably never have. I need to stop trying to conform people who I don't have permission to conform and accept that maybe these relationships have to be different than I always imagined and pictured. Maybe I have to figure out how to find additional relationships that fill some of the voids and find a way to love and accept them where they are right now. I know there are going to be some things in myself that is going to be incredibly difficult to change and this might be one of them. Even as I write this and try to reassure myself that this is healthier thinking... I am incredibly unconvinced. I still "want" in my heart to have a different family. Not different people. I see such good in these people, I just think its buried under all of the hurt and pain. And the poor communication skills we have with each other doesn't help. It is me too... it is my hurt and pain and it is my very inflexible thinking on right and wrong and it is my avoidance and my lacks of good communication. I fully admit that I contribute to it. I am trying to change. And I am sorry that I have spent so many years being part of the problem. I don't want to be part of the problem any more. I am trying.