Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Will you let me drown?

In your ocean I'm ankle deep,
I feel the waves crashing on my feet;
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out,
I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide washes over me,
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown?
Will you let me drown?

And the water is rising quick,
And for years I was scared of it.
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side,
No, I can't leave your side

Hey now this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
Cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

I have been finding a lot of comfort in music lately and this is one my favorite songs. It is called "Something Beautiful" by NeedToBreathe. Obviously this is only part of the song but these words are the ones that have been speaking a lot to my heart. The lyrics are so real to me. I know exactly where I need to be, where it is healthy to be and even where it is right to be but I am scared to death. I feel like I might drown but I won't know until I just let go. I won't know until I test my faith. I won't know until I am sinking or swimming. I won't know until I reclaim my voice. And I am terrified. Even though I am making strides, I am feeling even less confident in what I know needs to be done. I am feeling stressed and agitated and just plain scared.

I am not sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side

Trusting, experiencing. Please don't let me drown.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Pushing through

I wrote my last post as something that just kind of happened when I sat down to write. I didn't really mean for it to turn out how it did but I think it reminded me of who I want to be. And who I want to be is: not a victim. Some days I think I have accomplished that. Sometimes I feel very confident in myself and my decisions. I feel like I am on the verge of forgiveness or that I have even fully achieved it with some people. Forgiveness of others and some days glimpses of forgiveness to myself. Forgiving myself is a work in progress though. Logically as someone who has been victimized, I don't even NEED to forgive myself. I did nothing wrong. But logic and abuse don't really go hand in hand. Because I hate myself sometimes for not protecting myself or preserving myself.

I took a big step though after I wrote my last post. I went to a very good friend and just got some big stuff out. Shared secrets. And was loved even though I felt positively unlovable. This friend cried with me and gave me some tough but accurate advice. And I made plans to push through. And I am pushing through. Calls to counselors have been made (I have to find a THE right person) and today I am going to use my voice to tell someone about it. Someone I trust and find safe. I am nauseous thinking about it but I am going to do it. I am going to do it in my own voice so I can't detach from the situation (because I definitely felt detached when talking online to my other friend). And I am going to eventually do what is right. I know its vague but... thats what you get today.

And I am okay. I apparently scared some people with a bad morning a few days ago but I am okay. My life is busy and fun so I usually don't even dwell on this stuff but the quietness of my oldest son being gone gave me lots of time to think. And that is when things seem to get hard. Now that he is back, the chaos is filling in the times where I was thinking too much. And I love that about him. He is always going and always playing and always creating joy. But I realize I have to keep myself in check if I want to be a healthy parent for my children and a healthy wife for my husband and a healthy friend for everyone else. So... I am not entering a period of intentional maintenance. I need to stay on top of my mental health because some day it will be very quiet and if I haven't been proactive, that could be a big problem.

Prayer and positive/healing thoughts are always welcome. And as I feel comfortable I will probably write about some things. Writing seems to help and even if only 5 people who I may or may not know very well read it, I feel like it gives power back to me. It feels like my story has an impact.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Achieving Happiness

I am very confused oftentimes by what people think will make them happy. The perfect job, the right girl or guy, a great sex or party life, the "right" degree... the list goes on and on and on. If I just had a bigger house, or better stuff, or more money my life would be better. But life doesn't work like that. People are not happy based on what they achieve or how others make them feel. Happiness is intrinsic. If you can't find happiness with or without the perfect life, you aren't going to find it. Because no one can attain a perfect life and even if it feels nearly perfect, it only takes one disaster for things to crumble. If you aren't happy before you get the best car out there or the hottest guy out there or the best education out there... why do you think you will be happy after that? I mean... sure... achieving a goal can enhance your life but if you weren't genuinely happy before, the novelty of that goal will soon wear off.

We all know people (or we may be this person) who are SO excited about their accomplishments for a while. They have the best girlfriend EVER. Or the best job EVER. And you hear all about it from them too.  But then they find themselves unhappy 2 months down the road... is it that their girlfriend is the devil or their job totally stinks? They don't stop and think that maybe the great girlfriend just covered up the misery for a while with the newness of an on fire romance. Or that the job still has great potential but it is an easy target to blame your anger on. These same people are the ones who constantly compare their lives to others thinking that if they look good enough or better than others, they will feel better. And maybe they do in the moment? Or maybe these people don't one up everyone but berate themselves for not being AS good as everyone else. But I feel like these people are missing the big blinking sign. Something that seems so blatantly obvious to me: If you are happy and I mean genuinely happy, you don't need the best and you don't need to be the best. You can have what you have and feel blessed. You can be who you are and feel loved.

I just wish some people who I really care about could just let go of all of their anger and stop blaming all the bad on all the situations in their life. For most, it isn't that they keep falling upon bad luck! It is simply that they are not happy and are expecting things and people to rectify that. But that doesn't work and it won't ever work. Bad stuff happens to everyone (granted some select people get their unfair share of the crap). But if you can't forgive and let go, that bad stuff is going to run your life. And no amount of great achievement will heal the pain or make you happy. This is not coming from someone with a rosy life either. I have had to learn this lesson the hard way and there was a lot of suffering, a lot of growing up, a lot of counseling to get me to the point where I can look at my life in most situations and be happy and content. This is me being honest... I used to be a very angry and bitter person. I am thankful that most of the people I know today did not know me then. I just did not react well to my past for pretty much all of my teenage years and sometimes I still struggle with some of that stuff and even intensely at times. And I also blamed my unhappiness on my past and on many other things. But thankfully I have been able to let go of a lot of the anger and have learned that I have value and am not to blame for much of what has happened to me. No, I don't have it all figured out. I suffer from times of very extreme anxiety. I see a doctor routinely to make sure I am doing well. I could probably use counseling because I have lots of issues from my past to sort out. Even some of my past that is resurfacing because of varying situations I am going through right now. But I am a much more stable person for learning these lessons. The past can rule your life or... it can make you a more empathetic and loving person. In many ways it is up to us to decide what we let it do. Allowing it make us a better person takes a lot of work. And the work is never over. It is daily maintenance to beat down the demons that some of us face. But it is worth it to find contentment in life.

This post is nothing like what I set out to write but I guess that is okay. If anyone would like to speak to me more in depth about anything I have written about, you can leave your email address in the comments or get in touch with me (my email address is in my profile). I would love to discuss anything related to overcoming a hard childhood, abuse, counseling, or depression and anxiety. I would never ever betray someones trust with something so delicate and personal just so you know. And if you don't want to talk to me (because you know me too well or you have not really dealt with some of these heavy things before), I definitely encourage you to find a counselor you can trust. I had a counselor in college along with a few friends (one who I now call my husband) who literally stopped me from spiraling completely out of control.