Crazy week.

Be superforwarned... this is a very disconnected brain purge. If it makes no sense, please don't say I didn't warn you.

I am pretty sure this has been the most emotionally draining week of my life. There is too much that is too private to go into but I think I can hit some of the highlights in order to document how I am feeling without getting too into it all. So far this week I have let go of a huge secret, been contacted by my biological father (who left my family when I was 2 years old and who I haven't seen since I was 5) and also been contacted by one of my half/step brothers (not really sure completely of the relation at the moment. He has a different last name than me so I don't know if he just considers my bio dad his dad or what).

There has been a ton of emotions flowing through my body in the past several days. From making the biggest decision I think I have ever made and how it affects everyone around me to just feeling confused about... everything. Confused about my place in the world. Confused about the value of some of these people to me and my value to them. Wondering where intentions are and if things are really as they seem. Or if it is just how it is today and it will change as fast as everything else does. Frustrated with feelings of guilt and anger. Stressed out. Super anxious. I have spent 4.5 hrs at the gym over the past day and a half. My anxiety is very high right now. It seems to be one of the only things I can do to calm myself down and talk myself down from near panic attacks. And I am not even sure why I feel documenting some of this is important. I just know that writing helps me for some reason.

I just don't even get most of what is happening, how it is happening and why it is happening. I don't understand the consequences. I don't understand people approaching me wanting relationships with me when they haven't seen me in 20 years. I don't get the outpouring of emotions to me when I have so much of my own stuff to take care of. I don't get the disrespect. And I hate all of the vulnerability. But I can only stand on the truth and that is what I have done. I can be at least sure that it was the best thing for everyone even if there are lots of consequences. Protecting the people I love and standing on truth... that is what I am doing. I will rest in that knowledge and keep trudging forward I guess.

Learning to set boundaries has been hard for me. Right now it is near impossible. I have already called my counselor once today and made a new game plan for maintaining a healthy distance from some of the fall out. It is frustrating that I have a hard time figuring this stuff out on my own. I am sorry if you guys don't understand right now. I hope sometime you will though. I have to do what is healthiest for myself and right now, that means I need to focus on myself and my family.

Keep praying and sending good thoughts. I need them in a big way right now. Still striving...