I know...

It's been a while huh? I have had great hopes of keeping up with my blog more but life has been busy and bustling. It is just finally starting to settle into a routine for my big kindergartner.

Isn't he delicious? Look at those blue eyes! He loves school just like I knew he would. But finding a normal routine for me and Slobber Rocket has been slow going. I think we are finally getting there. We do errands and work out in the morning then lunch at home, nap, pick up Super Muscles from school. It has been great getting back to lots of time with the little brother.

I have also been kind of sick. Well, you know. Whatever. When am I completely well? Ha! But my hands and feet have been very numb and I have been having some weakness in my right arm, dizziness, extreme fatigue, loss of memory and coordination. So I had to go back to my Neurologists for more MRIs and tests. My neuro test was much worse this time with ataxia and over reactive reflexes in my legs and under active in my right arm. I have some sensory issues too. Cant feel my fingers and toes and under responsive to certain stimuli. Balance issues. The good news is that I am finally starting to feel a bit better. The bad news is that I am inching closer and closer to a definitive MS diagnosis. I have a couple more tests in October that will hopefully solidify a diagnosis (because there is no eliminating it and not knowing what is officially going on kind of stinks). Right now I am diagnosed as "probable MS". Thankfully my MRI is revealing some answers. I have kept up with working out throughout this flare and have lost no strength and that is how I plan to roll. Keep on keepin' on. Go about my life and make the best of it. Some days are daunting thinking about the future but there is no way to know how the disease will progress and taking care of my body will help me stay strong, active and mobile.

With that said, on Sunday, I am going to be participating in the "Walk MS" event in my town. I was encouraged to get out in the community and meet people who are experiencing the same things. So... ya know, I decided to go for it. My therapist will be proud of me for doing something so decidedly social :P. So if you could, would you consider donating to the NMSS to fund research and resources for MS? It would mean a lot to me.

http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/ILDWalkEvents?px=10122053&pg=personal&fr_id=16798

I will update about Africa soon! I am getting my vaccines next week and we are about to send in for our visas. WoW! Very excited.

Cancer Sucks

Yes, I know... nothing new or amazingly insightful. But I just need to get it out. Cancer sucks! Cancer sucks bad.

I have a sweet friend who has beaten brain cancer once and it is back now. Stage 4. She is in the hospital right now because it has maybe moved to her lungs. She is young... just a couple of years older than me. And she has 2 beautiful sons who are 5 and 4 years old. Their dad died not long ago and now their mom is very sick. It sucks. Please pray for my friend or send her healing thoughts. She needs them! It sounds kind of like there isn't a whole lot they can do for the cancer so I know that a miracle is needed. A miracle... unfair. I talked to her this morning and she is in good spirits but told me to get everyone I know to pray for her and send her healing and loving thoughts. So please do that for my friend. She won't know more details about the breathing issues shes having and pain until tomorrow but if I hear anything I will update.

Summer Bucket List (through the eyes of a 5 year old)

See Cubs play at Wrigley Field.
Watch Fireworks
Go to C's house
Go to the zoo
Play in the sprinklers
Ride a train
Watch a train at Culver's

Wow, hes an easy date. I think we can get these things done this summer. Fireworks on monday. Zoo, train and cubs when we go to Chicago in August. And the other 3 are very easy. lol. Hope its a fun summer for him though. I can't believe this boy is starting Kindy in August. He is growing into such a big, smart boy.

Tests and waiting... wee!

There are some things you never get used to admitting. One of the things I have the hardest time talking about with people is that I have something wrong with my body. Most likely I have Multiple Sclerosis. I need one more clinical symptom to get a diagnosis. And since I definitely have lesions on my brain and several of them... there is no way to be cleared of MS really. I have known and so have most people close to me... that I have something wrong with my immune system. So this really isn't a huge surprise to me as I have been experiencing more and more problems with my nervous system and immune system over the past few years. Anyway all that to say that on Monday I had a spinal tap. And really, it wasn't too bad. I saw a very talented and amazing Dr. in Peoria who performed the procedure. He was beyond sweet and caring and talked me through the whole thing. The tech I had was also amazing (my MS dr is in Peoria... which is why the spinal tap was there). I had only heard nightmare stories about Spinal Tap and well I didn't have a nightmare story. I layed flat on my stomach on a table and the dr used xray imaging to mark exactly where he needed to go in. Then he numbed through my back and muscles and then put the needle in to my back. I didn't feel it until it was next to my spine but it was really only kind of a pinching sensation. He moved the table to get me at the best angle so he could retrieve the fluid as quickly as possible. I layed on my back for 24 hrs so I didn't get a massive headache and was good to go by yesterday. My back is a bit sore but it is kind of muscular, like I worked out too much or something. WAY scarier to think about than experience for me. Anyway all that to say that I have to wait 2 weeks for the results to come in. I will either get a confirmed diagnosis or still be in limbo land trying to figure out what is going on with my body. Limbo land sucks by the way. Not a fan of it.

Slobber Rocket is also in limbo land with his hormone stuff. He had blood work done in Feb and it showed that his IGF-1 levels are very low. So we know that something is going on with his hormones but not a diagnosis for him yet. He goes back to see his endocrinologist in Oct (on halloween!) and will have more measurements taken and more bloodwork drawn. Then we will schedule him for what is called a Stim test where they will give him medication to stimulate growth hormone in his body and draw blood several times over the course of 5 hours. Dr. V said that most likely he will start some sort of treatment shortly after his 3rd birthday. Not sure if it will be for IGF deficiency or Growth Hormone Deficiency yet though. Hormones are very complicated. All kids with GHD have secondary IGF deficiency but kids can have primary IGF deficiency and no growth hormone deficiency. IF he has growth hormone deficiency he will have an MRI to make sure his pituitary gland is okay as well. The good/amazing news about hormone issues is that they are very treatable and we can get him treatment to help his body grow to be healthy (including his organs which is my biggest concern). It is pretty fascinating stuff. Right now my boy is doing fabulously though. He is very healthy and smart and now that I have more of an idea of what is going on, I feel much more calm and confident about it all.

Super Muscles has a loose tooth :) Hes been wiggling it a lot. He thinks the tooth fairy should get him a 2 wheel bike for losing his tooth. I informed him that the tooth fairy was mom and dad and that we would give him a dollar for his tooth. lol. He said "no thank you" and I asked why and he said "because I want something COOL!" He makes me laugh often. Hes also kind of arrogant but don't tell him I said that. He was asking me today what the word panic means and I explained it to him and told him that it is better to stay calm and use your brain to solve a problem when one arises. He gave me an example of how his aunt used her brain to solve a problem with her tv (she had the cable guy come fix it). Then he said "My Aunt S is very smart but... I am much smarter". Oh my goodness! Where does he get this stuff from? He is a smart boy though, I will give him that.

Mr. Wonderful is busy being awesome. He got a very prestigious fellowship from NASA to fund his last year in grad school, went to Spain to present some of his research, has had several papers published lately and just got priority A for some observation time on the Very Large Telescope. He is such a hard worker and I am very proud of his accomplishments. Oh and did you catch that it is his LAST year in grad school. This time next year he will be Dr. Mr. Wonderful! And we will be moving out of the midwest. To where, well... I have no idea yet. But we know that it will be an adventure and we are all for adventures.

I am still struggling working through some family relationships. Learning a lot in therapy and through prayer and talking to trusted friends. Sometimes it feels very overwhelming but I know its what is best for me. I have also been doing a lot of fundraising for our trip to Ghana in November and loving every minute. Still in PT twice a week for my knee. Start jogging next week! Praying that I can convince my dr to let me play fall ball but I seriously doubt it. He said no sports for a YEAR. Blargh. I am also trying hard to work on being a more open friend and letting people into my inner circle. Apparently I suck at that ;) I feel like I am getting better. I have made one pretty good friend over the last year (like in real life, that I hang out with) which is a pretty massive improvement for me. This whole learning how to trust people thing is really not easy. I try to remember what my friend L has told me many times... "it took you 24 years to learn these behaviors, its going to take a long time to unlearn them" and then I just keep trying to slowly work on them. Setting boundaries with my family is getting easier but resistance is getting greater. Thankfully I have friends to run my thoughts by first who can tell me if what I think is going to hurt my progress in the long run. Left to my own thoughts I make poor choices with them too often. Amanda, Lora and JD have been absolutely invaluable to me as I work through all of this.  Thanks ladies.

Well I think that is enough of an update for tonight. I am getting a bit blurry eyed. I drove to Indiana to get my big boy today and we had great conversations in the car on the way home but being in the car for several hours made me super sleepy.

Conviction and Heartbreak

Conviction is a tough pill to swallow. Today I turned on the radio twice to the bridge of Sidewalk Prophets song "you love me anyway".

I am the thorn in your crown, but you love me anyway. 
I am the sweat from your brow, but you love me anyway. 
I am the nail in your wrist, but you love me anyway. 
I am Judas' kiss, but you love me anyway.

See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd

For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking
ground
Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

The conviction is maybe not where you would expect it to be. The conviction is about relationships I have with people. A particular person actually. If this is how God exhibited his love to us... I must find the conviction and compulsion to love like that. And I do have a compulsion to love many people to the best of my ability. But its there, the knowledge that there are a couple of people who I have not been able to love. Spite and anger covers them and covers me. And I am ashamed. I am sorry. 

But I had a friend tell me today that sometimes the best way you can love someone is to let them go. Sometimes staying there keeps the cycle going. Sometimes being there to prop them up pulls you down and hurts you instead of helping them. So I distanced myself from someone tonight. And I am very sad. I want to love this person and I want to treat them with respect and love. And I feel like right now this is the best way I can do that. But it hurts.

Joy comes in the morning

For a while anyway. I have been so excited about my trip to Ghana that I have been pushing a lot of big things to the back burner. Unfortunately all those big things came out tonight as a long conversation with the hubs before bed and LOTS of tears. I am sad. I mean I am happy about many many things but I am also sad.

Right now, I can't stop thinking about my step dad. He is sitting in some prison in Indiana... I am not even sure where. I could find out if I tried hard enough but I haven't found the case on the interwebs or anything. But I am sad thinking about how lonely he must be. There is a difference between thinking someone did something wrong and are getting punished for those poor choices and feeling sad that a human being, and one that I care about even, is alone and has had all of his rights stripped from him. I think I did the right thing even though I feel a huge amount of sorrow and even guilt for setting it all in motion. Everyone seems to think I should be happy about this too... but I am just sad and feel like its my fault. And it is my fault to a large extend and I need to be okay with it.

The deal is, he did something horrible. He violated the trust of 2 children. He violated 2 children. One of those children was me. And when he was left alone with my son and nephew, I freaked and ran as hard as I could to find a counselor who would help me figure it all out and tell my family because I could not take the anxiety attacks and guilt and sheer feeling of absolute failure at keeping my son safe. He is okay by the way... it was literally a car ride alone with him from point A to point B. But still... it was enough to scare the crap out of me. I couldn't let that happen to my kids or any kids that I love. I just had no other option and I had to do what I felt was right. I had no way of knowing it would turn into this. I wasn't ever going to press charges... and I didn't. I just wanted him away from my kids and my nieces and nephews. That is all. Its a bit messy because going into the rest of it gives personal details about people I have no right to give personal details about. But the point is this is not at all how I expected it to end.

I never expected to be sitting down writing a blog thinking about how my dad was going to spend the next (at least) 8.5 years in prison. I never expected to feel so confused about it. I never expected so many people to tell me how to feel about it.

I never thought I would have next to no relationship with my mom at this point in my life. And it isn't personal. It is just what I need right now. And some days I feel literally choked by the anger that surrounds our relationship. My anger mostly. How do I let go of it? I am working on it with D (my therapist) and I have come a long way but people are getting really impatient with me. Frustrated that I am not moving toward reconciliation fast enough. But I have to take care of my own emotional wounds and needs and those of my families first. Raw wounds are ugly and I don't want any ugly relationships anymore. I just don't.

Never thought I would be recovering from my 2nd acl repair or have allergies to the extent that I have them or be in the process of being diagnosed with a chronic illness. Never imagined I would see 4 specialists about my ears and still have no real answers on how to help them.

But I also never known Redemption like I have seen in the last year. I never thought that I would be able to get to the point of trusting someone to help me with my past and work through it. I never thought I would have the strength to go through all that has transpired in the past 6 months. I never would have imagined preparing myself for going to Ghana. I wouldn't have known that with all the health problems I have, that I would have the energy to fund raise and network like I have. Sure sometimes I do it while laying on my bed so tired I can't think straight and with numb hands but I always have the ability to keep going. I never knew I would see a few relationships get stronger than they had ever been or that I would meet my bio dad and form some kind of... friendship... with him. Or that as terrified as I was to send Super Muscles to preschool that we would both absolutely love the experience more than I can express. And the biggest thing I would have never guessed... was that I would be sitting in my living room right now, feeling so much compassion for a man who hurt me so much. Never in a million years would I have guessed that. And I know that if I can feel compassion for him, I can find that for my mom. It is inside me somewhere and I am trying so hard to find it but I am encouraged by how things have changed so far.

That is the remarkable thing about it all. I have been closing my eyes and hanging on to Jesus for dear life. More than I ever have... and you know what? The miracle is that he has given me enough excitement to drown out a lot of the sadness. It still creeps in and I still see my therapist every week and have PT 3 times a week and drs appointments. And even emotional break downs when I get overwhelmed. But it's good. Life is good and I am happy because I have seen so much redemption and healing in my life. And I know that I know that I am not alone in all of this. It is an amazing feeling. Tonight I weep... but joy comes in the morning.

While the nation celebrates

While our nation celebrates, I am sitting at home feeling incredibly sad. I wish I could really explain what is in my heart but I have already been terribly misunderstood so I doubt seriously that it is possible. Why are we celebrating the death of a human being? Why are we in the streets cheering that someone's dad, brother, child, grandfather... whatever, was shot dead in a war? My heart is sad to see this. I feel nauseous every single time I see someone cheering in the streets or a new facebook update about how justice was served.

Justice was not served! Justice will never be served. There is no way to bring back innocent people. And this doesn't stop the war. It doesn't bring back our men and women from Afghanistan. I would be totally surprised if we didn't just piss off a bunch of crazy terrorists. What justice is that? Putting more of our soldiers in danger is not justice.

I know people who were in NYC and in Washington DC and who have fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. People that I dearly love have suffered far greater than any person ought to suffer in life. My brothers have seen things no one should ever see. Innocence has been killed trying to get at this man for the past 10 years in the form of young men and women serving this country and children and women being in the wrong place at the wrong time. War is not justice. Death is not justice. Peace is the only thing I can think of that approaches justice for the lives lost.

I will never forget how my stomach sank and my body filled with nauseousness as I saw people cheering in the streets near the White House just like I will never forget watching the 2nd plane fly into the tower and the towers collapse with thousands of people inside. Nothing will change those feelings or the consequences. We didn't just make the world safer, we made the world angrier and more uncertain. And I just don't feel like that is celebratory.

I echo everyone's sentiments toward our troops though. They are who put their lives on the line for us everyday. They are brave men and women dedicated to protecting our country. And I am extremely thankful and proud of them. Every.single.day.

So, I think this is worthy of feeling. It is monumental. It is history altering. It is something I will always remember. Where I was when waiting for Obama to address the nation that Osama bin Laden was dead. But I won't remember it like so many people probably will. War is not justice. And I am pretty sure that is one conviction I will always have. I have seen what war does to people. I have brothers very affected by war. It is not Justice.

Kanee and ch-ch-ch-changes

"Mom, is that word ka-nee?" "no Buddy, that word is knee, when a K and an N are next to each other at the beginning of a word it makes an 'Nnn' sound" "well that doesn't make any sense" "You are right K, there are lots of rules in the English language that don't make much sense but we have to learn them if we want to be good readers and writers" "well, it is still silly"... well there you have it. And I mus say, I agree with him :) It is a pretty dumb "rule". Anyway, my kanee is doing about as well as can be expected. Still very sore and very tired from surgery. Having issues sleeping and the sleeping/pain med combo gives me terrifying dreams. My flexion is up well past 60 degrees out of 120 and I am starting into strengthening exercises. I can put some weight on my leg using crutches and walk a bit but I get tired and winded and SWEATY easily yet. Oh well. It will come back in time. See my dr tomorrow and will discuss the massive contact rash and many blisters I have on my knee. Oh the joy of being allergic to everything under the sun. Should start hardcore PT this week too. If you can help with my peanut boy some... let me know. I am looking for a rotation to help with him. I will likely have PT MWF for a few weeks then twice a week... and tapering off for several months.

And about the changes... I just want people to know... or kano that I have and am going to continue to make positive changes in my life. It is really unfortunate if you don't want to come along the journey with me but I can not let you hold me back or hurt me anymore. There has been a ton going on lately that has let me know who cares for and values me and who is fine without me. I am done with the hurt and am going to focus on making MY life with my family the best it can be. I don't need people in my life anymore who hurt me. I don't need acceptance from people just because it is what I have always wanted. I am a good person, with a good heart, who takes great care of my family... and I am proud of that. I know there is always room for change and I am putting in the work for that change. Focusing on my faith and my mental health and my physical health every day is part of that! But I can only change me if if you never change you, we might have to drift apart. Family is not exempt from this because we share bloodlines. If anything you should be cheering me on instead of pushing me away. So... I am just putting it out there. I will do what I think is right and I will keep making changes. Feel free to join me, or not. That is not my concern or focus.

Oh and if you have anything you can donate to an auction or any connections you can hook me up with for an auction in June that will benefit the trip to Africe, let me know! We have some great things and hopefully more amazing things to come. The auction will be online so if we can dream it we can offer it!

Peace, love and flowers and send me some knee healing prayers while we are at it :)

Knee Surgery... tomorrow

I am going to the "little hospital" in town tomorrow for my ACL revision. I have to be there at 5:30 am. No food or drink after midnight so I am glad I have the early surgery :) It is outpatient and I am hoping to be home and in my own bed (or couch) by noon. That would be glorious! I am going to be flat on my back for a few days and drugged up! So if you want to have a funny conversation with me... the next few days might be good days to call. In kind of interesting news, I had to go buy both nail polish remover and antibacterial body soap to prepare for this surgery. Interesting because... how does painted toenails have anything to do with knee surgery and what is washing with antibacterial soap going to do to prevent infection when they scrub the heck out of you before they hack away anyhow. I have had 4 surgeries thus far and a procedure under anesthesia and this is the first time for the soap thing. I guess it must be new. Oh well.

Send prayers and thoughts my way for a good surgery and quick recovery. I would appreciate it very much.

Perception

I used to be a member of a Martial Arts class in my hometown. Our instructor used to say something to us all the time and it went like this "You are not only responsible for your actions but also how your actions are perceived." He definitely wasn't a perfect guy but this advice has stuck with me.

There is a group of friends online that I have had since I was pregnant with my oldest son. So we have been friends for nearly 6 years! Been through so many things you can not even imagine. Illnesses, deaths, marriage, premature births... the list is enormous. Most of us have never met but it has always been a place where I felt safe. A place where I went for support in parenting and in life.

Recently there was a big "cat fight" in this group and things have changed for us. Not even sure how to attempt to explain it. But I tried to settle the dispute by sharing honestly with another person how her actions were perceived. Of course, I don't know her IRL (in real life) so I can't communicate with her about her day to day goings on. I had gotten several emails from friends saying that this person had hurt them in someway or another and honestly, she had hurt me with her words as well. So I did the only thing that I know how to do. I don't handle bull well and in fact am not good at it. I get my knife out and cut through. So I was honest with her and told her how she was making feel. Unfortunately it didn't really go how I had planned it to go and she often tried to turn things around on me or others instead of owning her part of the problem. I apologized for my part (I sometimes antagonized her... on purpose... for a response) and admitted my mistakes but she could not see her contribution.

Eventually things died down and I felt like I did the right thing but unfortunately things will never go back to normal. People are still scared to speak their hearts with her around and people are still hurt. I am kind of mourning that group right now. Not that the group is gone or friends are lost but the dynamic is so different and it makes me sad. But fortunately, some of us have bonded in a new way and I have really grown some friendships through this and that is exciting.

Anyway, I guess what I want to say in conclusion is that if several people approach you or even just a good friend... I think that you need to really reflect and see what your contribution is. That is how we better ourselves and that is how we develop stronger character. And I agree, we are responsible for how people perceive us because really... that is part of WHO we are as well.

Kind of a rambling post... sorry about that.

Brief update

We added a button to our funds account for Ghana. You now have the option to donate monthly for the next 7 months. Anything you donate will go toward building the school as well as school supplies and expenses. Thank you so much for supporting me in this.

Also keep up to date with the goings on of our trip by following this blog:  www.tinyurl.com/Ghana2011.

I really am working on a blog dedicated specifically to this :) Apparently my life has so far been too busy with learning about knee surgery, canceling other appointments, finding help with child care, etc. But I am going to go into my room right now and work on it for a while. Kay?

Hope you will step out and join us in doing something beautiful in Africa. I am so passionate about these children and George's work in Kete Krachi. All children deserve a childhood and we hope we can help make this happen for a few more kids. "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world" That song keeps floating through my head when I think about the journey we are embarking on. God loves these children, I love these children and together we can make life a little easier by providing a safe home and education for trafficked children.

Getting my knee fixed up!

I am probably one of the few nuts that is semi-excited about having surgery. But... I am. Heh. On Wednesday the 13th I am going to have an acl revision on my left knee. I was very worried that my surgeon wouldn't want to do it again but thankfully he didn't even hesitate and is sure he can get it working :) The reason I am so excited is because I will be able to play softball and run again in a few months. More importantly I will be able to carry my toddler again and run around and play with the boys. And I will be able to play with the kids in Ghana in November. All massively important things to me.

Being the girl who is extremely fascinated by surgery and cool stuff like that... I am pretty excited about getting donor tissue for the graft too. It is pretty neat. Most everyone I have talked to it are a little weirded out but I think its so amazing that people donate their bodies and then it can help people like me continue to have an active lifestyle. I won't be able to play basketball or hockey or soccer but... softball and running... woohoo! Hopefully volleyball with a brace. Ah may zing.

Anyway, I am going to have a couple of rough weeks ahead but I am so looking forward to getting my mobility back in one of the ways that matters most to me: working out and playing sports. I have to work out to manage my anxiety. So yea, I am a little oddly excited about having surgery on my knee :) So keep me in your thoughts and prayers... My hubs too because hes going to have to take care of me and the boys for several days. Thankfully hes a pretty good (and hot) male nurse when I am down for the count.

Fundraising!

Fundraising is well underway for our trip to Ghana in November. We have a lot of money to raise so we have to get a move on. If you would like to help, I have added a chip-in button to the left of posts on the blog. I will also add it at the end of this post. We have already met 1% of our $30,000 goal to build the school at the Village of Life "campus". I am praying that God will continue to move us forward as we look to serve Him through our efforts.

Soon I will be dedicating a new blog solely to the trip to Ghana and will just post short updates on my personal blog. This is a blog that I typically reserve for my deepest thoughts and feelings. This is a big part of my heart and I will be sharing on here too but not as much as the last couple of posts.

In addition to the $30,000 we are raising as a group... I will be raising about $3,000 for traveling expenses. If you would like to help me with that, please let me know! This would not go to the chip-in but to me directly and put into a savings account until it is time to buy my plane ticket and various other things I will need before and during the trip.

I have lots of ideas for community fundraising ideas and also online fundraising, I will reveal more soon. But if you have any ideas on how we can ramp up our fundraising efforts, please feel free to let me know! Also if you have any friends or you yourself can donate items/services for an auction or raffle (not sure which yet) please let me know. I am thinking there will be an auction in May. Of course this will depend on how my appointment goes tomorrow with my orthopedist about my knee and when I will need surgery. Also if you would be interested in a softball tournament or sand volleyball tournament or know that you could help me generate interest for these, let me know as well :)

Thanks!

That big thing I was telling you about..

Remember I said I had big news? I am going to share it with you :)

In November of this year, I am going to Ghana, Africa on a mission trip. Here is what we will be doing (in summary from JD)

Our trip to Africa will be in support of George and his team at PACODEP. We will serve alongside of him while he visits the child slaves on the islands of Lake Volta. This will allow us to gain a better understanding of their situation, which will help us as we work with the rescued children on the mainland and share/write their stories. God willing, we will also witness first hand the rescue of any children released while we are in Ghana. 

On the mainland, we will work alongside of George and his team at the Village of Life, the campus built to accommodate the children who have been rescued. Love will be poured onto these children as they adjust to their new freedom and learn to read and write, learn the basics of hygiene, get proper nutrition and care… even as they learn to play.

I will be fundraising from now until we leave on November 6 for 2 things: 1) trip expenses (which will be roughly $2-3000... I am still working on figuring out a narrower window on how much it will cost) and 2) $30,000 to build a new school at the village of life so that George and his team can have the room and resources to continue rescuing children off of the lake (they are at max capacity right now). 

I will share more about our fundraising efforts in the days coming. Until then, I want to share a video with you that shows you exactly what George does on Lake Volta...

http://www.touchalifekids.org/lake-volta-video

For a more poetically and beautifully written blog post on it all you need to go see JD. This is a beautiful opportunity to be a part of what God is doing on Lake Volta. I have such a passion for children and human rights and I am ready to join God in this journey. I ask for your prayers, thoughts and support as we launch into fundraising for this trip and planning for it as well. If you have any ideas you want to share with me about fundraising or you can help with some of the things JD lists in her post, feel free to contact me, JD or Tia

More to come soon, I promise. Thank you for joining me in this fascinating journey. The passion and pull for these children that I feel is amazing and beautiful and I am thankful that God has put this on my heart and brought me to people who who are passionate about the same things in their lives. 

Other goals

I have also been thinking about some other goals that are not really as "heavy" as life goals. Still important to me though.

1) Get a dSLR and learn about photography
2) Find some new alternatives for competitive sports that doesn't require tearing my knee up (which is a frustrating goal but apparently necessary as I can't play volleyball and basketball and soccer... sigh)
3) Read more often
4) Get our house ready to sell (craziness that we are moving in a bit over a year)
5) Continue working out the health issues I have
6) do something (even something entirely selfish!) for myself at least 1 time a month

Will post some ideas and steps to how to accomplish some of these goals soon. Some of them are obviously self explanatory (like picking up books more often).

And there is something stirring in my heart that I hope to fill you in on soon. Pray/think about me as I make a big decision about something I am really becoming passionate about.

Goals

I am trying to go about really figuring out what I want in life so I am going to list some goals as I think of them. I already have many scribbled into my journal so I am going to start there I guess.

1) Raise successful/content children. An ongoing, constantly fluid goal. One that influences pretty much all of my decisions and right now my number one goal.
2) Get a degree: The problem... I have no clue what I want to do when I grow up :) Right now I am leaning toward an online Psychology program at Penn State. Should only take 2 years and then I can pursue further education or licensing for some of the jobs I might like. I also figure if I am still interested in nursing down the road, I can pursue it. Lately I have been leaning toward child advocacy or child life specialist. Both meet many of the needs I have for a career and psychology would put in a field of study to pursue either one.
3) Have a career that has a positive impact on my community. That impacts people and helps people in a real and tangible way.
4) Adopt 2 more children. My hope is to adopt siblings so they don't have to be split up (I have some personal experience with this that really drives me in this direction). MW would rather not adopt a baby.infant but we also don't want to go too old. So I am thinking probably toddler/preschool siblings. I would love to adopt from a country where children are very at risk of being sold into the sex trade industry or abandoned. Most of the time my heart leans toward China because I have made some wonderful friends in Chambana who have opened my heart and eyes to the little girls of China. At any rate this is one of the bigger goals I have. I feel like my family has some children out there somewhere. Maybe they are not even born yet but I feel like I will find them when the time is right. The more time I put between me and the birth of Slobber Rocket, the more I feel convinced that we will be adding children to our family through adoption and not my uterus. And I love that idea because I feel like it is what is right for us.
5) Go to a Superbowl: completely superficial but one of my goals none the less. Anxiety poses a pretty big barrier to this but I will get to one in my lifetime if there is a way.
6) Do something life altering for someone with no expectations of them and without them finding out. Pretty self explanatory.
7) Contribute in some way or in many ways to decrease poverty and human rights abuses.

So that is the list scribbled down late at night several months ago into the safety of my journal. An assignment given to me by my counselor that I totally didn't follow the instructions to. I was trying to think of things I could do at home to help my progress so decided to write a list of my future goals then make a list for the next year of how to move toward those goals. It turned out my way was also useful :) I have also since figured out a few of the things she was talking about so it all worked out in the end.

Finding me inside this life

For the last 5.5 years or so I have pretty much been a mom. I dropped out of college to have my Super Muscles and became a stay at home mom. When we moved to Illinois, around SM 1st birthday, I started really wanting another child. Mostly because I looked at my oldest son and knew that I really wanted him to have a sibling. I knew if we didn't have another child now, even though it was an inconvenient time as far as money went, that our oldest child would not get a sibling until he was 6-7 years old. The thought of that made me sad. Now that we have Slobber Rocket, I think this was absolutely the best decision for our family. I can't imagine our lives without that tiny little blondie in it. And I love seeing him and big bubby interact with one another and learn how to care for and love each other. It is a beautiful bond. But with that being said, having another child pushed some of my goals even further away. And at some point, I got lost. I got very lost in being a mom. I look at my life now and I feel like it is SO much of my identity. And I love being a mom. But a mom is not all of me. A mom and a wife is not all of me. I am starting to really feel like I need to find me again. The "Me" that is separate from "Mommy". The me that wants to get a degree and have a meaningful career some day. The me who is passionate about advocating for children and taking care of the most vulnerable in our communities and world. The me who is fascinated with photography and really wants to learn a lot more about it. The me who wants to stop sitting by, in many ways, and watching the world go by.

I have spent so much time supporting my husband in devoting himself to his career that it has left very little time for me to develop the parts of me outside of my family. I feel like my family is the only thing that defines me to others and while I love them more than words can describe... they are not all of me. They don't embody all of my passions or skills or dreams. And I just feel a little lost, like even I don't know the other parts of me well at all anymore.

So I have decided that I am going to spend time achieving some of my own goals that are only for me. Some of them may take a really long time (like getting a degree while still staying home with my children... ha) but if not now, when? I don't want to keep feeling like everything is about everyone else. Maybe I sound selfish right now but I have to rescue some of the other parts of myself.

I think a lot of it is a product of really figuring out why I do some of the things I do. How I have always been the people pleaser and the one to make sure everyone is happy. And how that has simply led to me neglecting myself and my own goals. I don't mind the sacrifices I have made for my family. I don't want people to think that. I love staying home with my children. I like that they know the comfort of my arms when they get hurt and that my hands are lovingly preparing them food that nourishes them. And I even really love that  my husband is going full throttle after his dreams. It has been beautiful watching him inch closer and closer to getting something he has dreamed about for so long. And it has been amazing how much we have both learned about sacrifice along the way (yea I stay home with our kids so he can do this but he has wonderfully balanced a very rigorous phd program while making time for us,... and PhD students get paid very little so that has been another area of big sacrifice for our family). Anyway I am learning these things about myself and I am also learning that I deserve to be happy. Not only in my family life but I deserve to have a career I love and hobbies I enjoy and passions and causes to pursue.

I am not sure what any of this looks like yet. But I know that I am going to go after some of my dreams. I am working on a list and a plan and MW is helping me figure it out (he is pretty much the best in case I haven't said that before). It is going to take a lot more work. A lot of patience and a lot of help. It is going to take really battling my anxiety and learning to trust a few more people. But heck, that is pretty much one of my bigger goals in counseling :) So... coming at you soon will be a list of long term goals and maybe you guys can help me brain storm how to move toward achieving them?

A Parent's Role

A friend of mine and I have been talking a lot about having children and when you know you are ready and how you know your kids will turn out okay and you won't screw them up. She is married and they are considering trying for children soon. I am really the only person her age that she knows who has a few years of parenting experience. So today at lunch we were talking about what a parent's role is... It is something I have thought about a lot in the past. I often wonder what people think their role is in their child/ren's life. I am sure it varies. But I think every parent should try and answer this question because then it kind of gives you a philosophy that helps you structure how and what you teach your children.

I think my role as a mother to my children is to set a good example for them on how to treat others and how to treat myself (as a result modeling them how to treat themselves). I think I need to respect them as people so that they can learn how to respect others. Ideally I want my children to grow up to be content in life. No matter what they have or what they don't have... I want them to find peace and contentment. I want them to be independent thinkers and not just believe something because other people say it is true. I want them to explore ideas and thirst for knowledge. I don't want them to always make choices based on what will make me and their dad happy or their significant other or their friends or their boss... (because, lets face it, that has never brought me ANY peace or contentment). I want them to have dreams and to value themselves enough to go after them. I hope that they treat all others with respect and dignity. I hope they value truth and stick to their moral convictions. And I hope that we model our marriage for them to be one they see love, sacrifice and teamwork in. I hope that we teach them everyday how to work out problems with the people you love (and even with people you don't much care for) with compromise and understanding.

Wow... being a parent seems daunting when you write it all out. I wonder how much of that we actually have control of. I know so many people who have had amazing parents and have turned into not very nice people. I know so many people who were raised by douche bags who somehow turn out to be decent people and great parents. So to some extent, I think we have a lack of control but we do shape our children. I mean its not a 1 to 1 correlation by any means but their childhoods and the habits modeled are often times the foundation for how children learn how to interpret the world and handle problems.

So I guess from my list of things I want for my children... the biggest things I think that I need to do as their mom is to encourage independence and critical thinking. Encourage them to go after their dreams hard core. SHOW them how to treat others with love and respect. Love their dad the best way I can. And always model to them my beliefs and explain to them why I believe what I do and how I came to the conclusions I came to. Role play and discuss appropriate ways to handle conflict and fear. And always always be honest with them. That is kind of my plan anyway. I know I will fail sometimes. I mean, I have failed sometimes already. But these children are 2 of the biggest and most important blessings in my life and I have promised to do things to better their odds at becoming amazing adults with the potential to make an impact on their communities.

And since I am trying to do this whole positivity thing lately... the one thing I am most proud of as a parent is that my children have very carefree lives to this point. Yes, we have had health problems, money problems, family problems but to this point I feel like they are very secure and trust us to keep them safe. By the time I was Super Muscles age, my parents were already divorced, I was going to a babysitter who was abusive, going home to a boyfriend of my moms who was also abusive... I thought no one loved me, especially not my dad. I felt alone because I was the only girl. And I KNOW that my children are loved and feel loved and that means the world to me.

So... what do you find to be your role as a parent and how do you plan to meet the expectations of the role you are creating for yourself as a parent?

The Hard Questions

I know that everyone thinks of hard questions. Whether it be about their beliefs or suffering in the world or mortality or... I know the must. It isn't something that people really talk about a lot but, what the heck, honesty is a lens into someones true soul (or something like that) right?

So I am going to put out there some things I have been thinking about. Feel free to comment, think or do nothing. This is for me but maybe it will help someone else too.

I have been thinking a lot about beliefs and God and suffering lately. I became a Christian when I was in 3rd grade. I did not grow up in a Christian home but in 3rd grade I started walking to a church down the road from my house with my brother. And that church family took us in. Then I went to church camp that summer and while there decided to become a Christian. But there is just SO MUCH I don't get about religion. Even more that I don't get about God and suffering. I think these are normal thoughts though and people just don't really talk about them. My husband and I discuss them often though. I just don't understand God as portrayed by most of my friends. Who controls absolutely everything which ultimately makes Him responsible for the good, the bad and the ugly. The general line of reasoning being that God controls everything so everything must be a product of God's will. And if everything is a product of God's will then the horrible things that happen in life are actually good things. They have a good and Holy purpose. ... I have a hard time with that whole line of thinking. I have tried to accept it but I can't. I have experienced senseless thing after senseless thing in life. I have seen suffering that makes NO sense. I know children with illnesses that will kill them before they even get a good shot at life and I know their parents and the agony they experience just trying to live life with this knowledge and give their kids the best chances at life that they can. I know people who have been abused and raped and molested and beaten up by several people and left by spouses and abandoned by dads and moms and ignored by the parents they have who are present. I can think of a million things that are senseless and I just don't get it. And I don't get clinging onto the idea that God causes and/or controls all of life's happenings. Jesus himself prayed that God's will be done on earth as it is in Heaven... which indicates to me that this world contains anything but God's perfect and flawless will for man.

What got all of this stirred up is a book I am reading called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It is actually quite a good read but I disagree pretty strongly with some of her theology (well... that isn't saying much because I am not sure I agree with most people's theology). Anyway I am to the part of the book where she is trying to learn to be thankful for the bad. And it just... it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I get looking back and being thankful for the lessons the bad has taught you but to be thankful for senseless, horrible things... that is an interesting concept for me. I am not thankful that I have a chronic illness. In fact, I am annoyed by it. I am also not very appreciative that I tore my ACL again and may never be able to play several sports that I love.

But... that is where I differ from many I guess... I am okay with being irritated and frustrated and even angry about bad things happening. I feel no compulsion to be thankful for horrible, painful experiences. No obligation. Because I just don't think God hurts people as a matter of bringing Himself glory. I think that the world is full of crap and sometimes that crap lands at my feet. PEOPLE make horrible choices that end in lives destroyed. Natural disasters happen as freak occurances. Kids play dangerous games and die. Genetics are a crapshoot and some people get the unlucky end of them. And some things are beyond senseless! Abusing children, rape, murder, (some... or most) war, illness... anyway,... I feel okay with things being the way the world turns with no one in particular to blame. It makes me sleep a little easier at night not thinking God causes all the pain of the world.

Now I don't think that learning from pain is bad. In fact, I think we can learn through horrific experiences. It has taken some pretty terrible things in my own life for me to learn how to handle certain things or to speak for innocence or to mature. I think everyone experiences that. And I do think that God helps reveal things we can learn that maybe we wouldn't otherwise (though EVERYone learns from the past... painful or awesome).

Wow this is long and rambling but I wanted to get it down because it was eating away at my mind. I get fixated on things sometimes and just have to get them out so I can shelf the thoughts for a little while.

Some things are moving in the right direction

I have been so busy lately. Don't even really know where to start. I guess we can start with my knee... I tore my acl again for sure. I am in PT twice a week until I see the surgeon on April 5. Slobber Rocket is bouncing between slightly anemic and normal hemoglobin levels on his CBCs. It can be normal variability though. But his ferritin is low (his iron stores) so he is taking ferrous sulfate for a couple of months to see if we can get his iron stores up. One of his hormone screens also came back abnormal. So he does need a stimulation test but we are still unsure about how we are going to proceed. The current thought is to have us come back to St Louis in 3 mos and do a short stim test and if he fails it do the longer one. But she would really rather wait until he is a bit older before trying to do the longer one. And I don't think waiting until he is 3 is that big of a deal. We are still discussing it. She should be calling me this week to tell me about his hand xrays that she had sent to her office. She wanted to read them herself. He had them taken maybe 6 months ago. That is sort of the DL on me and the blonde one.

As far as moving in the right direction... I was cleaning up the kitchen today and thinking. Just... thinking. I do this a lot when I am cleaning. My kids seem to hide when the brooms and rags are brought out so it is fairly quiet in the house then. And the thought of my husband came into my head and just how people have perceived us. Ever since we started dating, people have pretty much openly thought that he was too good for me. He is smarter than me, kinder than me, more successful than me... the list is kind of long. If it wasn't high school friends saying these things it was parents insinuating them and if it wasn't them it was people in the professional world giving me this dumbfounded stare when MW introduces me and they ask me what I do and I say I am a stay at home mom. It has been reinforced for so long that I have often thought that he was better than me. That I just... I don't know, didn't deserve him. But as I was standing in the kitchen this morning thinking... a big smile creeped up on my face and for the first time that I can remember I very much thought... "I am just as worthy as he is." Just as worthy of happiness, success, health. And I am just as valuable as he is. He definitely treats me like I am and he always has. But I have never really believed it. I am not sure why I didn't and I am not sure I can put my finger on why those thoughts have changed. But I am glad that for the first time in my relationship I feel like I am as deserving of him as he is of me. I am a respectful person, I am kind, trustworthy, honest, compassionate, smart. I am a good wife and a good mom. I am educated and when I am not knowledgeable about something, I learn about it. I am capable and valuable and especially valuable in my relationship with my family and in my role in this life I have. And I feel pretty darn good about that today.

Finally... an endocrinologist

After over a year of trying to figure out why my little Slobber Rocket isn't growing very quickly I think we finally got to a doctor who can help us. She is a bit over 3 hrs away at St Louis Children's Hospital (an absolutely beautiful and amazing facility created just for little ones) but she is committed to making sure he is okay and I really like her. We took Slobber Rocket to see her for the first time on Friday. She did a very thorough exam on him. Measured his height, weight, head circumference, wing span, inseam... hands and feet. Anything you can think of. A whole lot of history questions. A lot of poking, feeling and making sure he isn't sick and all of his organs seem okay. Lots of looking for signs of dysmorphic features that would indicate a congenital disorder.

Then... music to my ears... or well music to my ears was at the beginning but I didn't want to tell the story that way. :) She said "well, this is not a nutritional thing, his BMI is good... he is just so short that he doesn't NEED to gain weight". I know, that seems like a "duh" to me too but if you have kept up with our story, I have been told numerous times that he just simply doesn't get enough calories. I must say our ped has stuck it out with me and worked with me when I insisted the gastro was wrong so I can't blame her much. Anyway there is something going on with him and now we are working to figure it out. She assured me that we were in the right place and that she would help us.

Anyway the basic plan of action is to make sure he is systemically okay. He had a urine collection and blood work while we were there. She is testing for diabetes, thyroid problems, celiacs, for some byproduct hormone issues (basically a screen for a hormone problem since growth hormone isn't available at all times during the day), kidney issues... I think that kind of covers it. If any of those tests come back abnormal we will deal with it. If his screens come back abnormal then she will have us come back up very soon and we will do what is called a "stim test" (short for stimulation test) where SR will be hooked to an IV, given medication to stimulate growth hormones, and have blood drawn over the course of about 3 hrs. If the hormone screens are wonkey, he will also likely have a brain MRI to make sure his pituitary glad is okay. If all of that is "normal" we will go back in 5-6 months for another set of measurements and then again when he is about 3. If by 3, he is not growing and is still very low on the growth chart in height, we will do the Stim test then and she will recommend hormone injections for sure at that time whether he has an identifiable hormone problem or not. She said by 3 children will likely never catch up to their peers without help. Which is not a problem if you are going to be 5'5" or 5'6" but we have to decide if we are okay with him being 5'1" or so as an adult and weigh the pros and cons of that. The injections may only give him a few inches or 4 or 5... it is kind of hard to tell. So there is a lot of option weighing.

But I did leave feeling reassured that I know my kids the best and that if I keep fighting for them then I will get them what they need. I also left with a renewed sense that doctors are humans and it is absolutely okay to challenge them when you think they are wrong. I think so many people elevate doctors to some position of be all, know all and really they are people. Yes, people who have studied a lot about medicine, and their field but still people. And intuition seems to have a good deal of weight and parents are the best source of intuition. So challenge your doctors. I pretty much always want my doctor to prove things to me. I know I am a pain in the neck sometimes but they couldn't prove to me that SR was malnourished or FTT so I refused to believe it because I know how we take care of him. And if they could prove that he was malnourished then they were going to prove to me why. Does he have an allergy, an illness, or a metabolism problem? That is a bit of a tangent but I do think we are our own best advocates and certainly the best advocates of our children who otherwise can't easily speak for themselves.

At any rate... we left with one of the best doctors in the country saying he is absolutely perfect health wise but that now we need to figure out what is going on in his tiny body and causing him not to grow. So forward we go. It kind of seems like we will be getting to know St. Louis Children's hospital a bit over the course of the rest of our tenure in Illinois. And I am okay with that. Dr. A is an intelligent, bright young doctor who really seems to love children and wants to help us figure out what is going on with our son. I will take frequent 3 hr drives for that :)

Damn Knee

Just got home a bit ago from seeing Patty the ortho NP. My MRI was a bit of a mess. Lots going on inside of my knee. Bone contusions, torn meniscus and as the radiologist puts is my acl is "likely torn". Likely because they couldn't see the part very well that seems like it is torn. SO. More time on crutches, more drs, and I am guessing at the very least a scope on my knee to get a better view of my acl and see if the meniscus damage is going to inhibit my mobility at all. So there you have it. Next tuesday I will be seeing a new doctor to figure out what we need to do. So I will be out of athletics for a bit. I will have not nearly enough time to pick up training for the half EVEN IF I don't need surgery. There is no way. Just so frustrating. I am hoping PT is miraculously all I will need so MAYBE I can get back at it by softball season. *sigh* I am annoyed.

Reality bites

I had some tests done today at the hospital. I ended up spending over 3 hrs there this morning for the testing I needed to have done. While it did bite... that isn't the reality I am talking about. As I was waiting for the lab to call my neurologist in peoria about some bloodwork I needed... an older man came in with his family. He was with his son and some lady that referred to him by his first name... Jack. Jack was 70 years old and has liver cancer and a lifetime of smoking has eaten away at 2/3 of his lungs. His cancer is bad. Reminds me of how my family felt when Mr. Wonderful's grandpa got sick. Jack was given 3 months, tops, to live. His family was very sweet and chatty. Jack was quiet and slowly sipping his coffee... looked like he was thinking some big thoughts and just listening to the 2 people that he loves talk to me and discuss things. Just contemplative. You could tell he was thinking about deep things. Life and death, his tests, his family.

About this time the phlabotomist comes out to speak to Jack and his family. She tells Jack that his insurance will not cover 2 of his tests. The total cost he would be responsible for was roughly $700. One of the tests was very important for his doctors in trying to help him be comfortable and possibly receive treatment for his illness. He got a bit angry and irritated and said "I guess I will just go home. I don't have that kind of money." His family convinced him to go through with the testing and promised him they would figure out how to pay for it and he needed to try and not worry about all the details. Then, this is where tears started streaming down my cheeks... I was trying to hide the fact that I was listening but my heart was breaking in a million little pieces listening to this. He looked up at the tech and said "It is just horrible that someone works hard their whole life and when they get old and sick... people just want them to hurry up and die. I just need people to care and make sure I get the help I need". The lady speaking to him was very sympathetic and sweet. But I think everyone in the room was crying. He was telling her hw he worked for 56 years as a truck driver and how he was a good man and paid his taxes and did the right things and now he can't get the care he needs. There were many sad things about it all. The pain in his son's face, the frail, sad voice of a man you can tell has always been strong and capable, and the fear that you could tell the whole family felt about death. Death was just hanging there in the room. Everyone knew it and everyone was terrified and Jack was just... needing some compassion and help. He was needing to feel like the medical community cared about him... Jack... and not about money.

His friend/daughter in law... whatever she is... was telling me that his insurance would only pay for him to be in the hospital for 48 hrs when he got sick and he was not ready to come home when they sent him home over the weekend. But since he has been deemed terminally ill and has a timeline, his insurance doesn't want him IN the hospital racking up the medical expenses even if he needs the 24 hr care for a week to get his strength back. Ugh... it makes me tear up just thinking about the story again. The emotion and fear in his voice was just so evident and I wanted to run up to him and give him a big hug. "I care about you Jack!" I don't know you at all other than what I saw today but I care about you and I want you to have good care. I want you to be able to feel respected and loved in your last days of life... however many may be left. I am sorry that I didn't let you know myself today that it breaks my heart to see you suffering. A big part of me feels horrible about that.

Volleyball...

Volleyball is my... stay in halfway decent shape so I can play softball... sport. Then the spring comes and I play softball until it is TOO COLD in Illinois to play any longer. Anyway, I am a little grumpy because when playing volleyball on Monday I hurt my knee. Um... not exactly sure what is going on yet but the injury is extremely similar to how I tore my ACL in high school. My left foot stayed planted and the rest of my body kept going. Pop, pop, crack goes the knee... I go down and clutch my leg. And then it swells like a balloon and I can't move it very much or walk on it. I am "non-weight bearing" for at the very least a week and a half. Until after I have my MRI and see ortho again. Of course, that is torture. How do you take care of 2 kids with no hands? I am having a difficult time figuring it out and cheating A LOT. I figure, can I really mess it up that much more? I doubt it. Don't tell my dr. she would kick my butt. But corralling a 2 year old with no hands to help is next to impossible. Putting said kid into the car with no hands is also impossible. Keeping up with Super Muscles is also impossible if I am following drs. orders. So... I am trying but failing miserably. I know as my arms and core get used to the crutches, it will improve. But for now I am annoyed and feeling slightly sorry for myself. And honestly, I am irritated that I hurt my knee playing a filler sport and not one I am even that sold out on. ha. Oh well... I will see what the MRI says and get it fixed. I gotta play sports and stay active or I go stir crazy and I am far to competitive to let my knee stop me from getting back in the saddle. My dream would be that I can be ready for softball but word on the street is that I need to slow down "for a while" so we will see. Me slow down? This woman obviously doesn't know me well. That is my one topic update for today. Hopefully I will blog more updates soon as I am confined to sitting around for a while...

Why am I an orphan?

How can I be 25 years old and still feel like an orphan? That is what I keep asking myself over and over. I am a wife and have my own children. Why do I keep trying to fill this parent void? The expectations keep hanging around though. I expect my mom to meet certain standards and for whatever reason she can't. It isn't my fault and in some ways, it isn't even her fault. I wish she would get the help she needs so that we could build some sort of meaningful relationship again. I am putting myself out there I guess by typing this on my public blog huh? Oh well, it hurts and today I am overwhelmed by all the hurt going on in my life right now. I am never going to feel like my bio dad is more than a random friend I met when I was 25 who is nice to my kids. He is trying but how do you let go of all the missed time? How do you forgive all the missed birthdays, basketball games and choir concerts? How do you shake the feelings that if he would have been around things would not have turned out how they did? Why can't I stop caring for someone who hurt me deeply? Why did I unleash all of this and most likely set the wheels in motion to send someone to prison? I did it to protect my kids but the guilt is crazy. I did it to protect my niece and nephew but the regret is sometimes strong. I did it to stop feeling trapped by a secret but some days I hate myself. Why will she never see the hurt she has caused and the pain we carry around every day of our lives? When will she stop being the victim and realize that she is the perpetrator? And why do I just have to accept that this is how it all is and it likely won't change?

Oh yea, if you can't tell... today has been a rough day. I am just having a hard time understanding just about everything in the current firestorm around me. Nothing makes sense. And I hate feeling like I have no control over any of it. But that is how it is. I have no control. I had no clue things would turn out this way or that what I would say would have these consequences. But I am trying to stand firm in my choices. They were the best choices I could make for the people who could not take care of themselves. I am sorry if some people can't understand the choices I have made. I am going to keep making hard choices if it means doing what is right for my boys though. It is my duty and privilege to protect them and sometimes that means making very difficult choices. I hope some day all of this will be worked out and we can forgive and mend some of these relationships. I really do. But if we can't... I am going to keep doing what is best for my family even if that means I lose some people in the process.

I know I am so cryptic but sometimes I just want to get out the feelings with out the nitty gritty. This is my life today. Praying for strength and for an easier tomorrow.

He doesn't need me anymore!

Hello, I am around! I promise. It has just been a long couple of weeks for me. Very little sleep, doctors appointments, winter vacations, Christmas, working out...

Anyway, I think this is completely normal but I have been feeling a bit sad lately about how little Super Muscles needs me. The biggest thing that makes me feel this way is that he reads fabulously. Which... that is great! But he literally will not let me read to him anymore. At all. He has even taken to reading books that are for much older kids by himself. It is slow going because he WANTS to understand what is going on. So occasionally he asks me what a word means or how to say it. But for the most part, he wants nothing to do with my help. NOTHING. Actually he really wants to read ME stories all the time. Which is fabulous but I just want my baby to curl up on my lap and let me read to him.  I guess its a good thing I have Slobber Rocket... he still loves letting me read to him. Ah, SM is just growing up way too fast. He does everything on his own and most everything well on his own. He does have one pair of jeans that happens to be pretty difficult to button but he has started buttoning up his own shirts (dress shirts) even. Where did my baby go?

Anyway nothing spectacular or enlightening from me today. But I do want to remember what I thought as my kiddos grew up. Maybe you will get enlightenment from me tomorrow? We will have to see. This not sleeping stuff is sucking the brain out of my head.