For a while anyway. I have been so excited about my trip to Ghana that I have been pushing a lot of big things to the back burner. Unfortunately all those big things came out tonight as a long conversation with the hubs before bed and LOTS of tears. I am sad. I mean I am happy about many many things but I am also sad.
Right now, I can't stop thinking about my step dad. He is sitting in some prison in Indiana... I am not even sure where. I could find out if I tried hard enough but I haven't found the case on the interwebs or anything. But I am sad thinking about how lonely he must be. There is a difference between thinking someone did something wrong and are getting punished for those poor choices and feeling sad that a human being, and one that I care about even, is alone and has had all of his rights stripped from him. I think I did the right thing even though I feel a huge amount of sorrow and even guilt for setting it all in motion. Everyone seems to think I should be happy about this too... but I am just sad and feel like its my fault. And it is my fault to a large extend and I need to be okay with it.
The deal is, he did something horrible. He violated the trust of 2 children. He violated 2 children. One of those children was me. And when he was left alone with my son and nephew, I freaked and ran as hard as I could to find a counselor who would help me figure it all out and tell my family because I could not take the anxiety attacks and guilt and sheer feeling of absolute failure at keeping my son safe. He is okay by the way... it was literally a car ride alone with him from point A to point B. But still... it was enough to scare the crap out of me. I couldn't let that happen to my kids or any kids that I love. I just had no other option and I had to do what I felt was right. I had no way of knowing it would turn into this. I wasn't ever going to press charges... and I didn't. I just wanted him away from my kids and my nieces and nephews. That is all. Its a bit messy because going into the rest of it gives personal details about people I have no right to give personal details about. But the point is this is not at all how I expected it to end.
I never expected to be sitting down writing a blog thinking about how my dad was going to spend the next (at least) 8.5 years in prison. I never expected to feel so confused about it. I never expected so many people to tell me how to feel about it.
I never thought I would have next to no relationship with my mom at this point in my life. And it isn't personal. It is just what I need right now. And some days I feel literally choked by the anger that surrounds our relationship. My anger mostly. How do I let go of it? I am working on it with D (my therapist) and I have come a long way but people are getting really impatient with me. Frustrated that I am not moving toward reconciliation fast enough. But I have to take care of my own emotional wounds and needs and those of my families first. Raw wounds are ugly and I don't want any ugly relationships anymore. I just don't.
Never thought I would be recovering from my 2nd acl repair or have allergies to the extent that I have them or be in the process of being diagnosed with a chronic illness. Never imagined I would see 4 specialists about my ears and still have no real answers on how to help them.
But I also never known Redemption like I have seen in the last year. I never thought that I would be able to get to the point of trusting someone to help me with my past and work through it. I never thought I would have the strength to go through all that has transpired in the past 6 months. I never would have imagined preparing myself for going to Ghana. I wouldn't have known that with all the health problems I have, that I would have the energy to fund raise and network like I have. Sure sometimes I do it while laying on my bed so tired I can't think straight and with numb hands but I always have the ability to keep going. I never knew I would see a few relationships get stronger than they had ever been or that I would meet my bio dad and form some kind of... friendship... with him. Or that as terrified as I was to send Super Muscles to preschool that we would both absolutely love the experience more than I can express. And the biggest thing I would have never guessed... was that I would be sitting in my living room right now, feeling so much compassion for a man who hurt me so much. Never in a million years would I have guessed that. And I know that if I can feel compassion for him, I can find that for my mom. It is inside me somewhere and I am trying so hard to find it but I am encouraged by how things have changed so far.
That is the remarkable thing about it all. I have been closing my eyes and hanging on to Jesus for dear life. More than I ever have... and you know what? The miracle is that he has given me enough excitement to drown out a lot of the sadness. It still creeps in and I still see my therapist every week and have PT 3 times a week and drs appointments. And even emotional break downs when I get overwhelmed. But it's good. Life is good and I am happy because I have seen so much redemption and healing in my life. And I know that I know that I am not alone in all of this. It is an amazing feeling. Tonight I weep... but joy comes in the morning.