Perception

I used to be a member of a Martial Arts class in my hometown. Our instructor used to say something to us all the time and it went like this "You are not only responsible for your actions but also how your actions are perceived." He definitely wasn't a perfect guy but this advice has stuck with me.

There is a group of friends online that I have had since I was pregnant with my oldest son. So we have been friends for nearly 6 years! Been through so many things you can not even imagine. Illnesses, deaths, marriage, premature births... the list is enormous. Most of us have never met but it has always been a place where I felt safe. A place where I went for support in parenting and in life.

Recently there was a big "cat fight" in this group and things have changed for us. Not even sure how to attempt to explain it. But I tried to settle the dispute by sharing honestly with another person how her actions were perceived. Of course, I don't know her IRL (in real life) so I can't communicate with her about her day to day goings on. I had gotten several emails from friends saying that this person had hurt them in someway or another and honestly, she had hurt me with her words as well. So I did the only thing that I know how to do. I don't handle bull well and in fact am not good at it. I get my knife out and cut through. So I was honest with her and told her how she was making feel. Unfortunately it didn't really go how I had planned it to go and she often tried to turn things around on me or others instead of owning her part of the problem. I apologized for my part (I sometimes antagonized her... on purpose... for a response) and admitted my mistakes but she could not see her contribution.

Eventually things died down and I felt like I did the right thing but unfortunately things will never go back to normal. People are still scared to speak their hearts with her around and people are still hurt. I am kind of mourning that group right now. Not that the group is gone or friends are lost but the dynamic is so different and it makes me sad. But fortunately, some of us have bonded in a new way and I have really grown some friendships through this and that is exciting.

Anyway, I guess what I want to say in conclusion is that if several people approach you or even just a good friend... I think that you need to really reflect and see what your contribution is. That is how we better ourselves and that is how we develop stronger character. And I agree, we are responsible for how people perceive us because really... that is part of WHO we are as well.

Kind of a rambling post... sorry about that.