Finding me inside this life

For the last 5.5 years or so I have pretty much been a mom. I dropped out of college to have my Super Muscles and became a stay at home mom. When we moved to Illinois, around SM 1st birthday, I started really wanting another child. Mostly because I looked at my oldest son and knew that I really wanted him to have a sibling. I knew if we didn't have another child now, even though it was an inconvenient time as far as money went, that our oldest child would not get a sibling until he was 6-7 years old. The thought of that made me sad. Now that we have Slobber Rocket, I think this was absolutely the best decision for our family. I can't imagine our lives without that tiny little blondie in it. And I love seeing him and big bubby interact with one another and learn how to care for and love each other. It is a beautiful bond. But with that being said, having another child pushed some of my goals even further away. And at some point, I got lost. I got very lost in being a mom. I look at my life now and I feel like it is SO much of my identity. And I love being a mom. But a mom is not all of me. A mom and a wife is not all of me. I am starting to really feel like I need to find me again. The "Me" that is separate from "Mommy". The me that wants to get a degree and have a meaningful career some day. The me who is passionate about advocating for children and taking care of the most vulnerable in our communities and world. The me who is fascinated with photography and really wants to learn a lot more about it. The me who wants to stop sitting by, in many ways, and watching the world go by.

I have spent so much time supporting my husband in devoting himself to his career that it has left very little time for me to develop the parts of me outside of my family. I feel like my family is the only thing that defines me to others and while I love them more than words can describe... they are not all of me. They don't embody all of my passions or skills or dreams. And I just feel a little lost, like even I don't know the other parts of me well at all anymore.

So I have decided that I am going to spend time achieving some of my own goals that are only for me. Some of them may take a really long time (like getting a degree while still staying home with my children... ha) but if not now, when? I don't want to keep feeling like everything is about everyone else. Maybe I sound selfish right now but I have to rescue some of the other parts of myself.

I think a lot of it is a product of really figuring out why I do some of the things I do. How I have always been the people pleaser and the one to make sure everyone is happy. And how that has simply led to me neglecting myself and my own goals. I don't mind the sacrifices I have made for my family. I don't want people to think that. I love staying home with my children. I like that they know the comfort of my arms when they get hurt and that my hands are lovingly preparing them food that nourishes them. And I even really love that  my husband is going full throttle after his dreams. It has been beautiful watching him inch closer and closer to getting something he has dreamed about for so long. And it has been amazing how much we have both learned about sacrifice along the way (yea I stay home with our kids so he can do this but he has wonderfully balanced a very rigorous phd program while making time for us,... and PhD students get paid very little so that has been another area of big sacrifice for our family). Anyway I am learning these things about myself and I am also learning that I deserve to be happy. Not only in my family life but I deserve to have a career I love and hobbies I enjoy and passions and causes to pursue.

I am not sure what any of this looks like yet. But I know that I am going to go after some of my dreams. I am working on a list and a plan and MW is helping me figure it out (he is pretty much the best in case I haven't said that before). It is going to take a lot more work. A lot of patience and a lot of help. It is going to take really battling my anxiety and learning to trust a few more people. But heck, that is pretty much one of my bigger goals in counseling :) So... coming at you soon will be a list of long term goals and maybe you guys can help me brain storm how to move toward achieving them?