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How can I be 25 years old and still feel like an orphan? That is what I keep asking myself over and over. I am a wife and have my own children. Why do I keep trying to fill this parent void? The expectations keep hanging around though. I expect my mom to meet certain standards and for whatever reason she can't. It isn't my fault and in some ways, it isn't even her fault. I wish she would get the help she needs so that we could build some sort of meaningful relationship again. I am putting myself out there I guess by typing this on my public blog huh? Oh well, it hurts and today I am overwhelmed by all the hurt going on in my life right now. I am never going to feel like my bio dad is more than a random friend I met when I was 25 who is nice to my kids. He is trying but how do you let go of all the missed time? How do you forgive all the missed birthdays, basketball games and choir concerts? How do you shake the feelings that if he would have been around things would not have turned out how they did? Why can't I stop caring for someone who hurt me deeply? Why did I unleash all of this and most likely set the wheels in motion to send someone to prison? I did it to protect my kids but the guilt is crazy. I did it to protect my niece and nephew but the regret is sometimes strong. I did it to stop feeling trapped by a secret but some days I hate myself. Why will she never see the hurt she has caused and the pain we carry around every day of our lives? When will she stop being the victim and realize that she is the perpetrator? And why do I just have to accept that this is how it all is and it likely won't change?
Oh yea, if you can't tell... today has been a rough day. I am just having a hard time understanding just about everything in the current firestorm around me. Nothing makes sense. And I hate feeling like I have no control over any of it. But that is how it is. I have no control. I had no clue things would turn out this way or that what I would say would have these consequences. But I am trying to stand firm in my choices. They were the best choices I could make for the people who could not take care of themselves. I am sorry if some people can't understand the choices I have made. I am going to keep making hard choices if it means doing what is right for my boys though. It is my duty and privilege to protect them and sometimes that means making very difficult choices. I hope some day all of this will be worked out and we can forgive and mend some of these relationships. I really do. But if we can't... I am going to keep doing what is best for my family even if that means I lose some people in the process.
I know I am so cryptic but sometimes I just want to get out the feelings with out the nitty gritty. This is my life today. Praying for strength and for an easier tomorrow.
2 comments:
Sweetheart, you're not alone. When my parents got divorced, they kind of divorced us, too. So while they were physically sometimes around, I always felt like they were always emotionally absent.
Sometimes, with hard parent/child relationships, I think the best you can hope for is a feeling of civility. It's a lot more than other folks get. Don't make him into a Dad. He's Joe Bob... the guy you share genes with. I know you want him to be more. You want what your husband gives your boys. You hope it will fill in the holes, but it won't. The guy you've made up in your head of how a Dad should be is fantasy. It's not what we got. And you're right, we had no control over it. We were kids... and it sucks.
But mostly, I think what sucks, from my experience, is that I beat myself up for a lifetime thinking the problem was that I wasn't worth knowing. That somehow I was broken, because the people I felt should love me the most in the world, never appeared to understand me more than on a superficial level. I was clean, warm, fed and educated. To me, that's a bare minimum. I wanted more. It's those stupid high expectations.
Now, through X-man, I learned that it wasn't me. It was them. And when you understand that you're not the broken one (even though we're all damaged property), it's a bit easier to show compassion for those that are.
Good luck with -- Everything.
When God led me to speak to the parole officer last year, I knew that the purpose was to shed light in order for the prisoner to get the help he needed, the help that would help him be released from his own personal prison, and the physical one, when he was truly ready. Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it's always worth it.
I never anticipated that based on the 'new' information (it's not new, they just didn't do their jobs 20 years ago), they would consider reopening the case and pressing new charges that could keep him there another 20 years.
While my heart goes out to him and how he must be feeling about this, the truth doesn't change. The choices that led him there were his, and my responsibility was to ensure his protection, as well as the protection of others. I refuse to accept any guilt directed my way -- it isn't mine to carry. I also had to accept that my mother had not protected me as she should have, and forgive her for it. I could not help but forgive her, especially knowing that I could have made more effort to help her see the reality of the situation. I've forgiven myself for that too.
He'll never be a "dad" to me, he never was in the ways that counted... the good news is that God filled that role beyond measure, and that's where I rest my self-worth. No dad on earth could ever compare. That was the void all along... a God-shaped void that wouldn't be filled by anyone else or anything else but the Ultimate Father.
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