Superficial

Have you ever acknowledged something about yourself that was not really good? You admit that it is a problem but you have no clue where to even begin to start fixing it. You know its a destructive behavior but logic can't overtake emotion for some reason... That is where I sit tonight.

I know I have a problem. My problem is that I make and maintain almost exclusively superficial relationships. I know WHY I do it. I don't trust people. I can't trust people. I like to control my environment enough to make myself feel... safe. But this is not a healthy way to cope with the past. I can't keep my children away from everyone who I perceive could be dangerous. That has been exhausting and quite honestly it makes me sick, physically, to worry about them so much.

I also need to learn how to make and nurture relationships. Healthy relationships. Ones with boundaries that make sense and friends who make as much effort in the relationship as I do. That is not a skill I possess. Which makes finding meaningful relationships even more difficult. Apparently I don't know what normal relationships are. I have a fairly normal relationship with my husband I think. But he is one of the few people I know who can put up with me in a relationship. It is not that I am mean or critical (of anyone other than myself) or self-centered. I am a distant friend. I would do anything for a friend or family member but I don't have the ability to open up to people or emotionally invest.

But... the fact that I have only made 2-3 trusting relationships in 10 years (including the one with my husband) means I have no real support network. In the 3.5 years I have lived here I have only made one friend who sadly had to move away from the area. But even that friendship, though I care about her, is distant sometimes. I recognize this. I am just at a loss on how to fix it. I realize only 2 people know me. I mean the me that is hidden from everyone else. The real, honest, vulnerable, sweet me. I even own up to the fact that I am usually okay with that thinking that yea, its not normal but it is what works for me. Plus, if anyone has a reason to be like this... it is me! So not a great attitude to have but sometimes that is how it is. But the older I get  the more I realize, I have to learn to function in a variety of relationships for the sake of my children and most importantly so that I can have fulfilling and rich friendships. I would rather not pass on my own issues to my children by being a poor example to them. I would also rather not experience extreme anxiety anytime I let them do things without me. That is obviously not a healthy way to deal with normal kid stuff like... going to preschool (yes, those who know me know it has taken me almost 2 whole years and a lot of hesitation to put SM in preschool).

This all came to the surface in therapy on Monday because we were discussing goals for my treatment plan. And there is an area for social goals. It just made me realize when talking about it that I don't know how to make friends. I mean I can function socially out of necessity but I don't know how to actually figure out who is trustworthy and who is interested in becoming my friend. I don't know how to tell who my secrets are safe with or how to know if someone just feels sorry for me or obligated to listen to my sad tale. I don't know what is too overwhelming or what information to give to people in pursuit of a friendship. I feel terribly inadequate. I also wonder if other people feel this way. I assume most people make friendships kind of... organically. But I just don't have any experience with that. I have tried to make friends while living here and I have lots of acquaintances and even people who are willing to help us out if we need it. But again *I* keep it very superficial. Thankfully I have someone teaching me some of the skills I need. But I feel odd discussing it and going through the process of picking someone who is supposed to become a non-superficial... you know, genuine friend.