Perspective: Own verses others

One thing I am learning right now is that people need people. It is amazing as I open up about myself some of the people who have contacted me or who I have just had a sense about who say "you know, I feel like you might understand this". I had one such conversation like this recently. I think I may have helped my friend a bit but she also helped me see something kind of eye opening.

She was explaining a situation that happened to her and as she explained it she minimized what happened to her by the words she chose to use. When I asked her what she would think if the same thing happened to her (future) teenager daughter... well then it would have a much harsher definition and a very concrete outline of an appropriate punishment. And as I listened to this sweet woman tell her story, my heart broke in half for her. I was angry, I was pissed, I wanted to hurt some people in the situation who had the opportunity to make it easier on her and refused to do so. I could see some of the things that I thought would help her. Obviously with any healing the steps you have to take are steps that must be taken in your own time. But my heart seriously burned with empathy. When I spoke to another friend about some of my own stuff she said something along the lines of she just doesn't understand how I have sympathy (or some skewed version of such a thing) for my abuser because SHE wants to punish this person herself. And I knew I understood exactly what my friend was doing when she minimized the situation.

I get it. I have the same problem. I have done this for a long time. Until recently I have been ignoring the past. Truth is I have been in counseling before and I even ignored my past then focusing mainly on trying to get my anxiety under control without really digging into the hard stuff or the roots of some of the anxiety. That was too freaking scary! Too hard to admit. Suppressing it to the point that everything about myself had become numb to avoid pain. Even as I acknowledge it now I sugar coat what happened and I even talk about it like I am talking about it happening to someone else. I have a lot of issues actually attaching the story to myself. Abuse is easy to say as far as abstract descriptors go. Abuse can mean anything really. It can mean your mom yelled at you a lot. It can mean your dad called you stupid. It can mean you were physically assaulted frequently and hid under your bed when you got into trouble. *sigh* It can mean so many different things but it feels easier to say and leave it up to other peoples imaginations or interpretations with the hope that they will chose the easier things to think and not feel bad for you. Or to just admit that other people have had it worse so your own trauma is not THAT bad. Adding the adjective in front of the word is a whole other demon. Physically abused, sexually abused, verbally abused, emotionally abused... they all add gravity to what one has experienced and often times the one who has experienced them doesn't want to own the gravity because that is hard. Admitting to yourself that you were violated and how... wow. And giving it the proper assessment is even more difficult. I can see how my friend was violated and how badly she hurts and I feel that in many ways more than I feel my own hurt.

And this is where perspective comes in I guess. Trauma shifts the perspective you have of yourself. Whether you are detaching from what happened to protect yourself or grew up thinking it was normal for you and you deserved it or had other people minimize what happened so you tried to follow suit. Ah, there are so many reasons people can not see their own abuse in the same light that they see others' in. But the important part of the conversation for me was the realization that I have to care for myself and love myself like I care for and love other victims. I have to embrace the love of God for myself as much as I encourage others to. I have to realize that if I believe God sees their pain then I have believe he sees my pain just as intensely. If I believe they deserve healing and rest then I need to believe I deserve the same. I have to think myself worthy of the same respect I feel she deserves. Now from head knowledge to heart knowledge... like usual.