Something about being real

For a long time I have been trying to figure out what my blog was for or about. Sure, it is about my life as a mom and as a wife. It is about 2 cute little boys and their crazy adventures. It is about grad school and getting to the other side. But lately I have felt the need to be more transparent with some of my struggles because I am beginning to see that everyone needs someone to relate to.

I can't sleep right now. This is pretty normal for me. I spend most of my late nights laying in my bed staring straight up at the ceiling BEGGING my mind to shut up so I can sleep. OR I get up and peck around on my computer. I journal pretty much every night to just get the thoughts out. I have been like this ever since I can remember. I worry incessantly about everything. I walk around fearing what people are thinking about me and my stomach hurts about 90% of the time. I have trouble going to new places. I have issues meeting new people. I have anxiety. Bad anxiety. It is pretty common for people who were abused as children to have anxiety both as children and as adults. There are some studies that suggest that how our brains have been physically altered by abuse. This affects things like memory but also how we communicate with people. Sometimes reading emotion that isn't there because we are so used to trying to figure out how to keep ourselves safe. This has been a very big struggle for me since I was very young. It picked up in high school and through a bit of college then kind of settled down until I had children. Since having my two sweet boys, I have found new ways to become anxious. Much of the time my mind is completely occupied with how to keep my children safe.

And I wish it were as simple as realizing my thoughts weren't rational. If it were that simple, I could totally feel better. But it is very complicated. Sometimes I need to be medicated for this. It is what it is. If you don't sleep you can't function and if you lay in bed until 2 or 3 every morning and your children get up at 6:30... you have to figure out a way to give your body a rest. If you can't take your kids out of the house because you have too much anxiety to do normal things that parents should do with their children... it is tough. I feel like I have a grasp on what is going on buy I am powerless to change it.

And this is where I am today... working on figuring out what needs to be done so that I can function best for my family. Working every day to try and free myself from the past. Trying to figure out appropriate and healthy boundaries for people. And sometimes I feel sorry for myself. There is a lot more to it than just anxiety. I have some other issues that overlap and feed my anxiety. So I am in counseling and trying to get my mind and my body to kind of work together instead of against each other. I am exercising. Trying to eat better. And trying to take care of my mind. Getting the medical care I need in addition to these things. I feel like I am making the right steps. I just have to keep making good choices and trust that it will all work out to a healthy woman at some point.

Counseling is hard though. Taking care of yourself is hard. There are so many other things I feel an obligation to. But when I think about it, none of it much matters if I am not taking care of myself because I can't give to them if I am feeling crummy. I can't invest in relationships if i can't trust. I can't allow my children freedom if I try to micromanage their lives because of my own fear. I can't be the wife my husband needs if I can't learn to cope with past abuse without projecting things onto him... things he has never done and will never do.

Anyway, I just wanted to let some of the people who read my blog know they are not alone. I added a new link to the side of my blog for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Its a pretty useful site. If you have PTSD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder (or other anxiety disorders), don't be afraid to get help. They seem to be things people think they can will themselves through and that is not always the case. I know my biggest motivation is and has always been to end the cycle of abuse so that my children never grow up with the experiences I had. THEY deserve so much more. *I* deserved so much more. *YOU* deserve so much more.

-as a note... some of this was written last night well well past my bedtime and some was written this afternoon when I was thinking a bit more clearly and not just rambling.