I am not an extrovert: the first step is admitting you lied to yourself.

It is kind of funny how you are constantly learning new things about yourself. I was telling a friend today that I always had this notion that I was extroverted. Well, I am not sure if that is the right way to put it but I sure spent a lot of time thinking I was extroverted based solely on what I wanted, in my head, from a social standpoint. I like the idea of social. I love the idea of having friends close enough to trust and care for. Love the concept of having people calling me and asking me to do things with them. I like thinking about being comfortable in social settings. But... I am not. And it wreaks havoc on my self-confidence. I am, for all practical purposes, introverted. As in... I behave as an introvert because of the sheer amount of anxiety I deal with on a daily basis. I do things with my family but that is about it. I stay home a lot. I stay away from new people. I don't feel comfortable behaving socially. I don't like crowds... they stress me out. I HATE talking on the phone.  I can't trust people. I don't even really like talking to people because I feel like they are judging me and my intelligence. And this is all just every day social interaction. Public speaking, um... no. It isn't that I don't know a lot of people. I do. I know lots of people, have lots of acquaintances. But no friends (I know there are people who will say "but yea , I am your friend" and I am not saying I don't value you so don't be offended. This is about me and the connections I make and not about who and how people reach out to me). It is frustrating. It feeds my anxieties because I feel like I am only good at failing in this area. I think I am generally known as a nice, but distant, person. Someone who will do things for others but not invest in them. And that is because that is about how I am. There are just so many things that add up to a very socially awkward person. This would be fine if I were like my husband and was okay with this. He is very comfortable with his introvertedness (wee made up word!). I think he generally feels secure and loved and valued/respected. Plus his personality has nothing to do with anxiety so yea, he is introverted but the boy can give kick butt speeches and has confidence in himself. And I just don't want to live my life being this kind of person!

I feel anxious all the time. Sick. I want to succeed in social situations but I have a very hard time doing that. Maybe if things would have played out differently I would be better or it would be easier. But not in this life and not right now. Anxiety, fear, inability to trust... I am so sick of those things being the theme of my life lately. I am trying to change that. I really am. I have a massive fear of my children being horribly affected by my fears and fear related/anxiety driven choices. I can not let that happen. I have found a counselor that I really like and we are working through stuff. It is like this though..., hard at first and for a while. My anxiety level is higher than most of the populations just as a product of suffering with multiple anxiety disorders so counseling makes me a lot worse for a while. But it is going to get better and I am going to make some big, healthy choices for me and my family. It will hurt, no doubt, but it is what I need to do. Being healthy for my family is the most important thing I can do for them. I am so thankful that even though I have issues, they love me. I keep coming back to that. They love me, they support me, and they are totally worth the hard work. And sometimes... I feel like I might even be worth the work too.