People don't usually change.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about people lately. And I have realized that no matter how I change or how much I try to make some relationships work... a lot of times people just don't change. Expecting them to is just setting yourself up for more disappointment. And disappointment is what I keep allowing myself to feel when they don't meet my expectations. I am probably not going to have reciprocal relationships with some of the people in my life. I have literally known them my whole life and they haven't changed yet. So it is stupid of me to worry about it. But I just want to feel cared for and like I matter sometimes. I am sure, in some twisted way that I do matter to them. I am just not sure that that is always enough. And I am not sure when I have to quit exerting so much effort while never getting anything in return. I am very exhausted with it all. I guess some things have just been happening in my life that are reconfirming to me who does actually have an interest in me and who only cares when it is convenient for them or serves their own needs. But I am a loyal friend/family member so I would love the same in return. Too bad the people that keep hurting me are undoubtedly NOT people who read my blog. *sigh*.

It really isn't so bad...

Thought I would share some pictures with you so you can laugh at me... with me. I looked a bit goofy coming home yesterday so I took a picture of me with my big bandage on. Little did I know I still had donut on my mouth when I took the picture. Great! But its the only bandaged up picture I have :) So you just have to act like I look completely amazing! And, the bandage was wrapped so tightly around my head and so low on my forehead my eyes were half shut for a day. I looked fabulous!

And then there is todays look... no bandage but a pretty nice scar on the back of my ear and a cotton ball holding in all the stuff. Good times!

 

See... not so bad right. The band aid is where my drain tube was. When he pulled it out, it felt all weird and creepy. It was pretty long too. Longer than I expected it to be. I chose not to look at my gross bandages. My hair is still dirty. I might tackle that tomorrow or whenever I feel like it. I have to keep my ear dry and well, I have a lot of hair so I am not sure how that will work yet. Dr whatshisface (not my ENT but his partner whose name I can't recall) suggested a plastic baggy over my ear. Hmmm... my guess is there is going to be some hair, skin around my ear that doesn't get cleaned very well. 

He also said that I have dissolvable packing in my ear so i won't know what my hearing is like for 6+ weeks until it is all out.  But I look good. Apparently better than most a day post op. I am really in very little pain. Just tired because I am having issues sleeping. Have great people from church making sure we are well fed for a few days and just trying to take it easy. Get my stitched out on Tuesday and learn more about the surgery then too. I think that is all there is to update about though! See... not so bad.

Thank you!

Just wanted to say thanks to all my friends who have called or messaged me over the past few days. We appreciate all the offers of help and all the kind words. I am doing well. Surgery went well. Apparently better than expected. Mr. Wonderful said that my Dr. seemed pretty excited that the damage wasn't as extensive as the CT seemed to indicate. My small hearing bones were all unharmed which is pretty good news for the potential of better hearing. But, I have no clue yet what that will be like. I have very bad and loud ringing in my right ear. I had kind of hoped that would be gone but it isn't. Lots of swishing going on from fluid. It took me about... 5? hrs to get to sleep between having to sleep on my back and all the movement going on in my ear and my arm getting tingly. lol. But I am really not in much pain. My throat hurts a bit today from the breathing tube and I am on enough antibiotics to effectively treat ear infections for a small country somewhere. 2g of keflex a day. This is my 3rd round of antibiotics in the past month. I think after this next round is over, 30 of the last 40 days I will have spent on one antibiotic or another.

I will know more next week when I talk to Dr. Y I think. He is in his other office today so someone else will be seeing me and removing my bandage today and drain tube. Excited to have this ridiculous looking wrap off of my head and hoping that increased mobility of my neck and face will help me sleep today. Not excited about feeling things ooze out of my ear over the course of the next several weeks but hopefully as it drains out, I will hear better. Not expecting it though, I want to try to stay as realistic as possible. Knowing it looked better in there than expected is comforting as far as not needing another surgery but it also may pose some more questions as to what is going on. We will see! Worst case scenario seems to be... I no longer have infection in my head/ear and I need a hearing aid to hear well. Not too bad.

No concert :(

So... I would be at a concert right now but I am not. Instead I am at home with my family tending to a 4 yr old who is sick. I am really bummed but this is life sometimes with kids I guess. I am just a little tired of feeling like I am always on the back burner though. And yeah, I am even a little pouty about it right now. I think I will feel better tomorrow. I know it would have been selfish to take him to Indy just to sleep and be sick in an new and uncomfortable environment and I also know it would have been selfish to take our only car so that I could still go. So, we all stayed home. That doesn't mean I have to like it! I am just a little worn out and was really looking forward to doing something for myself. It was especially timely for me considering I am having surgery in a few days. Now that I got it out, I am done whining.

Tomorrow will be better. More snuggles with cute boys at the very least.

Concert, surgery, and stubbornness

It wasn't too long ago when I decided to join a book club that was reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. It was September I suppose because it was before my birthday. I could go back and look but that is irrelevant. What I ended up discovering was a bunch of women that it seems like I have known for years. You hear stories about how peoples lives seem to flow into one another but it is rare that you find the same thing happening to yourself. I know it is rare for me anyway. I only have one friend with whom circumstances has bonded us for life. But I started getting onto the Bloom chat in the evenings after the boys went to bed and Mr. Wonderful was doing his... whatever he does... and I was known. Not things like, "oh they know my favorite color" or  anything superficial that you find yourself revealing on first dates. But all the fears, pains, burdens and past heart ache I have had were matched with this group of women. Women who have been abused, who struggle with anxiety, who feel that because of their past they are not valuable... and ultimately women who are working through those same issues with the help of God and faith and learning to trust again.

It has been a great experience for me. A hard one too. I have been challenged to open up about my past a bit. I still don't remember a lot of things about my childhood (I will assume that is a good thing) but I am learning that my story has a meaning and a purpose. My experiences can be used to encourage people and to share some heavy burdens. It's just that... in life, empathy is rare. So if you have a level of empathy for a certain set of experiences, you need to share that. It is a gift in a way. And I am slowly learning that. I am thankful for my Bloom friends for helping to teach me so much recently.

But that brings me to the concert! Tomorrow I am going to go to a Selah concert in Ft. Wayne, Indiana with a hand full of my Bloom friends. We finally get to meet face to face! Well, some of us! I am very excited about this. They should feel special that my half deaf self is going to a concert with them. :)

________________

I have surgery on Tuesday. My friend, Jen, keeps asking if I am nervous. I am mostly not nervous unless I dwell on it and then I get a twinge of nerves. I most feel sympathetic toward my husband who has to be awake and waiting for a 2.5-4 hr surgery to be completed inside of my head. I know getting whatever that is in my ear out is going to be beneficial to my health. So it is one of those things where you kind of look forward to it in some ways. Mr. Wonderful summed it up well... even if I lose my hearing in my right ear, if it ends the chronic and horrible pain I have been living with for years... it is going to improve my life. So that is how I am choosing to look at it. Plus, a hearing aid isn't the end of the world!

_________________

My Slobber Rocket is a stubborn little turd. He is still refusing to eat many foods. He has made some minimal progress in drinking from a cup but mostly he doesn't care to mess with texture and he refuses to eat if I make him try new textures. He will get it eventually though. Tomorrow is going to be rough on him but he is going to have to drink something other than breast milk throughout the day while I am away from him. Thankfully it won't be for *that* long and he is eating enough solids and will take sips from a cup so he will be okay until I get back to him. Then he will nurse 5 times through out the night I am sure. Daddy will at least have some milk to put him to bed with but who knows how that will work. We shall see!

From the archives: Marriage

I am going to randomly re-publish some posts that I liked from my old blog over here just so I can have it all in one place and share some things I have thought about with new readers. This is one of those posts. At the end I also added some of the responses I got. Feel free to add your own.

Marriage: originally published Sept. 2 2007

So, those of you that know me and know me well KNOW I am struggling with some issues that surround marriage. Not my own ;) I have a great man! and what I consider to be a wonderful marriage. But... more about the entity of marriage. What makes it work.
What makes a marriage work anyway?

God?

love?

Sex?

trust?

Having the same goals?

money?

Struggles that a couple make it through?

I have been thinking about this lately. My brother is journeying into a marriage union soon. A convenant between himself, his bride to be, and God. Do those words mean anything? Do the words you say, if you mean them, seal your relationship? Im so sure that many people have meant the very vows they have spoken to the person they loved on their wedding day and yet the divorce rate is 50%

Will God punish someone for choosing the wrong person... or can the wrong person become the right person with enough work? Does God honor a marriage covenant between 2 people he has not brought together? Does God have anything to do with a happy marriage (not talking about a marriage that furthers the Kingdom... just overall happiness)?

Is obligation ever a motive to get married? What about money or feelings? Why and how do you decide that you legitamately want to spend the rest of your life with one solitary human being? What makes that other person worthy of YOU? what makes YOU worthy of the others love, joys, sorrows, triumphs, defeats?

What is love? Does love make you happy? Is love a feeling, a collection of feelings, a flutter in your stomach?

I have in my head what I think a marriage is. But, I know lots of other people with very different definitions of marriage. Kyles grandparents are very happy together and yet their marriage is very different from mine. Pastor Kent and Becky have a marriage that Kyle and I strive for but its very different than J & K who seem to be legitamately happy and loving in their own relationship. I think of all the types of marriages I have seen... my mom and stepdad, paul and amy, Andy and Amanda, my grandparents, kyles dad and stepmom, T & J, scott and carol,... they are all so vastly different. For some, God is the foundation. He is what holds their marriage together. Pulls them out of the depths of the darkest moments. For others, sheer freaking determination keeps them together. For some others... regardless of religion or determination... they just like each other and never seem to fight or mind being with one another. How does this work? And how do you know if someone is legitamately making a mistake with the person they are choosing? And if it is a mistake, who is to say that determination and working through the fights and downs wont make them right for one another eventually?

I was given some advice once by a dear man in our lives. He said "Love is not a feeling but rather an action. I may not FEEL the love for my wife but I find that if I SHOW her love anyway, I fall in love with her all over again" Is this the essence of human love? It is certainly the best advice about marriage that I have ever received.

I know some soon to be spouses will read this... why are you getting married?

And to the already marrieds... Why did you get married?

One of the reasons I got married is because I felt like I could spend my whole life looking for someone better than Kyle and would never find anyone. He has always cared about my wellbeing and my growth as a person if not equally as much as  his own maybe even more than his own. He wants to be a godly man and husband and father. I felt from the time I met him again in high school that he was the man I would marry. I was 14 when I decided he was my future husband :) I feel very strongly that God chose him for me and put him in my life at a time when I needed a best friend and confidant more than ever before. It was a time when I needed desperately to learn to trust and he never hurt me. Those are just a few of the 9 million reasons I married my amazing husband.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. If you are about to get married... get out a piece of paper and write down the reasons you are marrying this person in the near future. Really examine them and see if they are lasting reasons of if they are material or trivial reasons.


Im glad you arent the only one who questions the reasonings for marraige.
Marraige is not a step people should take unless they can look down the road many years from now and still fall in love with the person they are with.
I took the vows once, and didnt fully mean them, we had nothing holding our relationship together.
And it failed, miserably. I would still be fighting for it to this day if there werent circumstances that could have prevented it. I'm very anti-divorce. And I'm ashamed to admit I've had one. But, I know in time, I willmarry the person I am meant to be with, someone who every morning I wake up and fall in love with all over again. But, it wont be in my time, it will be in Gods. I will know when he is ready for me to say I do, until then I will wait for the time to come.
I hope whomever may read this will take this to heart, cause not only does divorce ruin your look at every relationship there after, it also ruins you emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually.
2500 dollars for a divorce seems like so much instead of making a good thing work.

~Lindy

I got married because I was knocked up.
Kidding. Really. Honest. :)
I knew before I even dated Brian taht we would be together for a long time. After we started dating, I knew within 2 months we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
We had talked about getting married that fall...Doing a JOP kind of service. When we found out about Kiernan, we told our families we were going to get married and they insisted on doing a bit ole ceremony for us so...yeah. :)
Its been two years for us so far and the honeymoon isn't over yet. :) Well, parts are. We do certainly fart in front of each other and I think we've both caught the other digging wedges and boogers a time or two lol but the love and romance is there. And the admiration and respect for one another as people has only grown stronger.
I don't know anything else to say. :)
~Jasmine


Love it! Sorry I haven't responded before now.

Why did I get married? Hmmm.... Honestly, even though I was a Christian when Andy and I first started talking about marriage, God's will was not first on my mind. I just wasn't used to thinking in those terms yet. So at that point, the answer would have been he was my best friend, we were a great team, and we seemed to compliment each other perfectly. He respected my opinion and was clear in the fact that he supported me as a person as well as my dreams and ambitions. I was smart enough to realize that this was not a package that came around every day, even though I wasn't looking for it at the time.


By the time we got married, it was clear that God's plan for us was to take on the adventure of life together and I have yet to second guess that fact. We continue to compliment one another and are always aware of looking out for the other's best interests. Lately, we have had several conversations with the same underlying theme - we want to give each other the best quality of life possible, even if it means making sacrifices.


So that, like yours, is the short answer.

PS - "Marriage and Babies Don't Fix Anything!" coming to a bookstore near you ;-)

~Amanda

Super Muscles turns 4!

I figured since I posted about Slobber Rocket's birthday a bit late I had to show my eldest son the same kind of mom love! Wouldn't want to be unfair you know.

My sweet Super Muscles turned 4 yrs old on Monday, February 8. He is such a big boy now. He had actually convinced himself that he was 4 when he had his birthday party. I had to break the news to him that a party doesn't change your age. It was a difficult 9 days for my son as he anticipated the day he could finally say he was 4. He is done with 3 and said good bye with very few issues. In fact, he is loving this new age. He thinks he is hot stuff. And... he is! Hopefully I can now come through on my promise to let him play tee ball when he is 4. So far, I don't know of a place that offers it before 5. Boo.

Anyway, Super Muscles changed my world when he was born on a snowy morning in Muncie, Indiana. Long labor, 3 hours of pushing, vacuum attached to his head... he was stubborn about coming into this world. I don't blame him though. But there are very few memories that stick out in my mind like the first memory I have of him being placed into my arms. The whole world stopped for a few seconds. I could not think of a single word to say that quantified that moment. So I just sat in silence for a few moments taking in this perfect, sweet little boy who had just entered into the world. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. He snuggled right in and nursed and seriously... I. was. in. love. He didn't really even look like a newborn. He had this perfect face that was far ahead of his age. He still has that sense about him. Like... he is older and more mature than the numbers say he should be. He certainly has many 4 year old moments though, don't get me wrong.

The last year, SM has changed and grown so much it would be hard to describe it all. So I will try to sum up some of my favorite things about him. He has the most delicious grin where he scrunches up his eyes. It is so funny and sweet and cute. I love when I get that silly grin of his. He is also learning how to be friends with other children. He is learning how to share and take turns. How to take care of other people (especially his little brother... most of the time). He talks like an adult very frequently. He says things that crack me up. He told me the other day that he couldn't change the tv to something because "it is just impossible mom!".  He is taking more opportunities to act like a big boy and he even owns his mistakes sometimes. If he has an accident at night, he quietly comes to get me to help him and tries very hard not to wake his brother. He loves dinosaurs, toy story and cars. He has a terrific sense of humor and tells jokes that sometimes no one else gets but they make me laugh anyway because they send him into fits of laughter. He is learning to write and he can spell many words phonetically which is a very neat process to watch.

He is such a neat little boy! I didn't think I was ready for a child at 20 and I probably wasn't really. But he has taught us so much about life and team work and family and love. I love him so much and am so thankful that he came when we needed him instead of when *I* was ready for a child. Happy Birthday Super Muscles!

P.S. Super Muscles, I realize you are a super rules follower but please forgive me for a delinquent birthday post ;)

Big day tomorrow

Two posts in one day... what? That is insanity.

So the Colts had a rough day today. I am sad and my husband went to bed at 9:30 (he says he was tired but I know his spirit is crushed...).

Anyway, it is a big day in our land tomorrow. My BIG boy turns 4! and Slobber Rocket has 2 very important doctors appointments. I will talk about Super Muscles birthday another time but right now I am up kind of processing tomorrows doctors appointments for my tiny little boy. He is going to go see a GI doctor and a Speech Therapist. I am hoping very much that we can get on the road to figuring out why SR is not growing very well. I am very nervous but at the same time hopeful. I have lots of questions and lots of information to share but it is hard to sort it all out and to know what is and isn't important or related. But I know that if I don't press to figure things out, no one will. Being a parent is overwhelming sometimes. I just want to do right by them. Sometimes doing what is right seems scary. There are potential tests for him that seem as scary as not knowing why he is not gaining weight. Anything that requires anesthesia on a 16.5 lb boy seems terrifying to me. But if you let it go for a long time other parts of his body and development could be permanently affected. If kids spend too much time malnourished (some issues that he may have could mean he is not getting nutrition from his food) or not growing, they can have serious cognitive issues that are not reversible. I mean, his brain is growing rapidly along with his body. The human body works VERY hard to make sure the brain is growing and developing properly and SR is very much a typical 1 yr old developmentally so that is reassuring. But at the same time I feel like it can't wait because who knows how long that will last if he actually has something going on in his little body. I am just hoping that one of these specialists has an idea of what is going on. Worried that his issues could mean some big diet changes for both of us but if it will help him, I am all over it.

That was one of those... "stream of consciousness" things I guess. But I am looking forward to a morning with SR and celebrating Super Muscles birthday tomorrow. Can not believe my biggest boy is 4 yrs old! Time flies. Say a prayer or send a thought out for my Slobber Rocket and his dr and speech therapist tomorrow.

What time is it?

GAME TIME. Hooh!

So all I gotta say is GO COLTS! and if you don't have a favorite team, cheer for the colts for us tonight. And if you like the Saints... well... don't talk to me tonight ;)

Just sending my boys some love. Lets get it done!

1st Birthday

I am a few days late on this as Slobber Rocket's birthday was on Jan. 30th (Jan. 03 if our insurance is any indication of reality). I am generally more on top of things like this but... well, its been a difficult couple of weeks for me and honestly, I don't even know how to sum up a year with this tiny piece of heaven. And yea... that is the amt of cake he ate! :). Well, I actually dug the hole into the cake and tried to convince him to eat it and it didn't work ;).  But that is the face of a little boy who has made a big difference in our lives over the course of the last 1 yr and 9 mos. Sweet blonde hair and amazing blue, green, potentially hazelish eyes (seriously, it is hard to tell. I am thinking they are turning hazel like mine but they are a very light hazel but daddy says maybe green and sometimes they look blue). And he certainly has a very big personality in that tiny little body of his. He is very expressive and sweet. We often tease that he has Napoleon syndrome because he gets SO angry when things don't go his way and he throws baby profanities at problems. He keeps trying even if something gets in his way and he may cuss about it but he doesn't give up. He genuinely believes he can accomplish anything. And though the things he is trying to accomplish now are climbing the couch and getting over and through objects that are keeping him from something he desires, I think this will stick with him. That part of his personality is very much like me. I think we often times look for ways our children are like us. Honestly Slobber Rocket is also very similar to his Daddy. From that blonde hair to his quiet, contemplative temperament (except when he is determined to accomplish a goal) he embodies so many cool things I really like about his dad.

But what is really cool about that 2nd child is that you thought you were all loved out and spent caring for the other child. And this 2nd child came along and I found out that was no where near true. That I could love another guy just as much and in new ways. And as his personality develops to have quirks and nuances, I find myself falling more and more in love with him just like I always have with his brother. It is a new love, a different love but an equal love. It is really hard to explain except that people tell you it will happen but you just don't know how to believe them. You can't believe them because it isn't logical really but it just happens.

And Slobber Rocket has presented new challenges to our family this year. There has been the growing pains of a 3 yr old learning to have a brother, and illnesses, and sleeplessness.... but I look back from today and all of it has taught me so much about being a family and about truly being there for one another. My husband has shown such sacrifice in helping to take care of our children even when he has to work and we really haven't had much sleep. Super Muscles had a rough few months in there somewhere (not only was he 3 and 3 is not my favorite age but he had a new sibling) but he is learning to share and take care of his brother. He is learning that his brother is small and young and needs lots of help. He is being more kind and concerned. I pray their relationship continues to bloom into a friendship and brotherhood that will be strong and centered.

I think it is just interesting how one little person can change so many things in someones life. I love waking up every morning to nurse this little boy who just grins at me and sings to me. I love the loud kisses he gives and the shy cuddles we get when he doesn't want to talk to people he doesn't know. I don't love some of the problems he seems to have because they are exhausting but I love that it is all teaching me something about life and love. That I have/ we have a strength about our family. I love when the boys sit next to one another and talk to each other like they have their own special language. I like chasing Slobber Rocket around the living room on my hands and knees and listening to him laugh. He has such a sweet giggle. I love when he dances and how he carries around a stupid (ie dirty)  hacky sack all the time because he likes the texture. I love how when he is tired he will find the nearest blanket and just lie down for a quick rest before he is off and moving again. And I especially like how he has made our home and family better just because he is here. Some of the best gifts come in tiny packages. Slobber Rocket is certainly one of those awesome gifts in a tiny little package.

Update on SR

It has been one of those weeks where you just feel like you are stuck in the mud with your wheels spinning. I was sick. It was no fun. Had to prepare for the boys birthday party. I think everyone had a good time. Super Muscles especially loved it. Slobber Rocket seemed tired and to not be feeling great. He was a bit congested. He wanted to be on his perch the whole time (in mamas arms on her hip or on daddys lap). He also didn't eat anything and just licked the icing off his fingers. Had just a tiny tiny bit of cake. Which is not unexpected. He rarely eats any solids and when he does, he gags on it.

Then from there I started about my mission of trying desperately to figure out what is going on with my peanut of a boy. Took him to the dr on monday and got what I considered to be horrible advice from the NP who is helping to cover for our new pediatrician (who is on maternity leave). Not saying the NP is not a good one. She may be, but I left feeling angry with how uneducated about nursing she seemed to be. Her hypothesis was that I needed to withhold breastmilk from my 16.5 lb 12 month old in order to get him to eat more solids. This, apparently, will make him gain more weight. She compared it to letting a child fill up on cows milk (drink) so that the child is not getting enough food and nutrition. Considering breast milk is pretty nutritionally complete I just didn't get the parallel. Not sure how withholding the bulk of his calories (not to mention that breast milk has more calories than anything he would eat in solid form) will accomplish the goal of making him gain weight. I also have been trying diligently with solids and he refuses them. He can't eat anything thicker or chunkier than yogurt mixed with cereal without gagging. We also have a lot of allergies in our family and it just didn't seem to me to be what I should be doing with my child. I would feel so horrible to let him be hungry. I have always been a parent who kind of goes by what I feel is right. I don't say it is right for everyone but I do not believe in forcing my children to eat things they refuse to eat.  And I don't withhold food from my kids when they are hungry. Just doesn't fit my philosophy. I assume children know when they are hungry and what they need. Eating food you gag on doesn't sound particularly fun to me either. Anyway, all that to say I just couldn't get behind the advice she gave us. Even if it would only be for a month. I felt like I ran the risk of him losing weight more than the potential for reward. So I called a LC at Carle who has been helping me a ton. She is working with my ped (apparently this is my Peds LC too) and her nurse to try and get Slobber Rocket the referrals that would hopefully get us on track to figure out why he isn't growing.  The first things would be a speech consult (to see if he has physical problems swallowing or with his tongue) and a GI consult (to make sure his gut is okay and absorbing all the nutrition he is getting). I definitely feel more at ease to know I am not crazy. Even if I were still nursing him exclusively, it makes no sense for him to stop gaining weight. I have done this nursing a baby thing before and I know kind of how it works. I am so thankful to finally have someone on my side who is saying "this just isn't right". She also gave me some ideas on how to get him to try and start using a straw. He will not do a cup or bottle at all. But maybe he can learn to use a straw. So that is something I am going to try and do for him. Anyway, I feel like we are making some progress and I am thankful for that. It is hard to watch my child eat and eat and eat and not gain any weight.

*** update to the update, the referrals did go through. I have to call friday if I haven't heard anything about getting him an appointment.