Long week but I am healing... again

Ever just feel emotionally spent? I mean, just tired of carrying the burdens of life? Tired of the weight of the past? I think I have done a lot of healing in the past 6 or so years from my past but sometimes I still have entire weeks or a month here and there when it all comes rushing back and I am dealing with it all over again.

Then I remember, I am weak. I remember, it is not my power that has healed my heart in many many ways. And it won't be my power that ultimately gives my soul rest.

How do I know this? Because I tried on my own for far too long. And I was a miserable person. I was a mean person. I said things to other people that no one should say. I acted out instead of finding the calm in the situation and finding a solution. I was depressed. I was angry. I was tired. I was... a mess. Not many people know me from then. Mostly just my family and a few high school friends. My husband knows me from then and I often don't know why he chose to stick it out with me. I am so thankful for him. I really was a miserable girl who was often times less than what he deserved. But I was hurt and broken. I had to figure out how to stop that pattern or I was going to end up doing the same things in my own life or worse, to my own children.

After getting into a tearful argument with Mr. Wonderful in college and trying to give him back my engagement ring (oh yea, it was bad but he would never let me go no matter how I treated him)..., I just needed help. I had no clue where to turn because I felt so abandoned. So I just started praying. And crying. And pleading with God. I so needed rest from the demons that ruled my life. I started seeing a counselor who helped me find tangible ways to handle anxiety and stress and I started working on forgiveness. I really felt like, for the first time in my life, I was doing what God intended for me to be doing. I was healing and I was asking for help. I was forgiving people I never imagined I could forgive. People that really really hurt me. People that really really hurt my brothers. And it gave me freedom. I slowly stopped being ruled by my past and started owning my present and future.

Then there are weeks like this when I am reminded of all those demons again. Where I can talk about it and cry about it but it is SO emotionally draining. I feel like that scared little child again. But now I am keenly aware that I have a Heavenly Father who will not abandon me. Who is working on healing the scars if I just allow it. And... I have two beautiful sons who need a mom to let God work on her heart. So, I am going to do that. I love my family too much to let the past rule any part of my life.