Worry or Worship

I have anxiety. It is kind of bad. I used to take medication for it (hated how it made me feel) and after a lot of counseling I kind of learned how to mostly handle it. I still get really sick in some situations and I do not trust people at all with my children but for the most part, I lead a pretty normal life. I just don't DO as much as other people sometimes. I am okay with it and I learn more how to break free from the grips of anxiety bit by bit, day by day.

On Sunday morning we had a guest pastor come in (our pastor is on vacation) and he did a sermon titled "Worry or Worship" and I want to share a bit about it because it actually helped me a little with my anxiety this week. The question was basically this: "When bad things happen, are you going to worry or are you going to Worship?"

To set the scene, we were in Acts 16: 16-31. In this passage, Paul removes a demon from a slave girl. The slave girl was making her masters a lot of money so they got angry with Paul and threw him and Silas into prison. Into the inner prison and shackled them to the walls. At midnight Paul and Silas were heard singing Praises and praying. Then there was an earthquake that shook everything up and released the chains from Paul and Silas and broke all of the doors of the prison open. When the guard woke and saw this, he drew his sword to kill himself (in that time, if a guard lost a prisoner he would kill himself or be killed by his bosses) and Paul tells him not to harm himself because everyone was still there. No one left. Then the guard asks Paul what he must do to be saved and Paul and Silas tell him to believe in the Lord Jesus.

I am going to remove the miracles and just focus on what I, specifically, pulled from the message on Sunday (there are many lessons in this passage). Paul and Silas were punished harshly for something that was not "wrong". In fact, what they did was godly and miraculous. Just like sometimes we fall onto times that are hard and what we are going through feels like punishment. When I had Slobber Rocket and my older son was hours away in an emergency room being cared for by people that love him but who were not me and my husband. It was horrible and I wondered why I was being "punished" with a c-section, emotional scars from how my baby came into this world and a very sick little boy hours away from us. My husband also had to go to the ER because he was ill too. Just like so many times when I was a child and had bad things happen to me at the hands of people who were supposed to care for me... the list goes on and most people/if not all can say the same and just insert different details. But what was unique about Paul and Silas is what they did in the midst of their storm. They were up at a time when they should be sleeping praying and singing to God. They could have been up worrying about how they were going to get through this, they could have been making all kinds of earthly plans for how to get through it (not saying that is a bad idea generally) but they weren't. They were praising God in the middle of a bad circumstance. And guess what? God showed up!

Even more strange... a whole prison full of people stayed put when the doors were opened by the earthquake. Why? What on Earth is up with that. I fully believe that when the spirit of God is present, you want to be there. I think the other prisoners saw Paul and Silas worshiping and witnessed a miracle so great that they could not deny the power of God. And so they listened to Paul and Silas when they (presumably) were asked to stay.

No, this doesn't heal the fact that I have anxiety. I am fully confident that God could heal that part of my mind and body. I still have anxiety everyday. I still have irrational fears allowing others' to take care of my children. I still get sick to my stomach and sometimes I even stay home instead of doing some things because I just can't make myself be in a specific situation. Hey, I am putting myself out there today. But if that isn't how it helps me, I bet you are wondering it why it helped me. This story and the sermon reinforced in me that I always have a choice in how to respond to things. For me, I have to work against my nature and illness to make the good choice or right choice sometimes but I CAN do it. I won't do it every time. I won't always choose to worship. Some days I will choose to worry and my body and my brain will win out over my desire to worship. But, the more I choose to worship, the easier it will be to continue to choose that path. And when I make the choice, which often times goes against my own nature, God will show up. And that has given me peace this week. It has helped me make good decisions this week even when, many times, I completely dreaded what I was about to do.