A picture that hurts.

I have to write about this because I am not really sure what else to do or who to talk to that would understand but I really need to get it out. And I guess... who knows, maybe some random stranger can come along and help me?

I saw a picture today (that my older brother pointed me to) of my biological father and his family. It stung. It hurt. It made me angry. It made me cry (just a little). But mostly it pissed me off. There was a little girl in the picture who is my half sister (as well as 3 step-siblings) and she looks like MY sister and she has a name that is similar to mine (really really weirded me out). And she has the same smile as my nephew, Junior. And they looked happy. A happiness, that if I am honest, I don't think he deserves. And it is raw how I feel and I don't understand it.

You see, my "dad" left my family when I was 2. Then he left another family (gave the 2 children up for adoption actually) when they were small. Then he got into relationships with kids all around him and left those kids. We won't add in all the criminal activity and the time my brother lived with him and what that did to him or some of the things he did to my mom or anything like that because that would not be good for my emotional state right now. Neither would discussing how growing up being abandoned affects a person... I will just skip it.

But, tonight I am sad. And I think I am going to give myself some time to be sad and angry. Because most days I ignore it and most days I focus on my own family and not the hurts of a little girl who wanted a dad or the consequences my whole family has faced and still are facing from those decisions. But, it did affect us and it does hurt to see him smiling with a new family in a picture with a new home with a little girl who is my sister and who I should know. It just... hurts.