The "D-word" is the new "F-bomb"

Before we got married almost 5 yrs ago (in two weeks... wow), we made a pact to one another. We would never ever drop the "D-word" on one another. It is a promise we have taken very seriously. In fact, I have a hard time thinking about typing the word in order to tell you about it. It is not a word that is in my vocabulary.

What is the "D-word" and why do we need to eliminate it from our vocabulary? The "D-word" I speak of is Divorce. I can tell you how eliminating this word from my thoughts and the way I think about relationships has helped my own marriage. The idea was that we would not allow it to be an option for us. Since it is not an option, we would not say the word let alone bring it to the table.

Maybe it seems a bit extreme to actually eliminate a word from your vocabulary. I, myself, typically think that making words "bad" is a ridiculous notion. But it is not about eliminating a bad word, it is about eliminating a poisonous thought process within our marriage. Our culture has taught us that marriage is not something that lasts. It is something we do when we are "in love" with someone and later on, if we fall out of love or something bad happens we just get the "D-word" and go on about our lives. Basically, in our culture we operate on a mating system called serial monogamy. This is a system that says that it is okay to have as many partners as you wish as long as they don't overlap. So, don't cheat but if you fall out of love, go find someone else because that is socially acceptable.

That is well and fine but I didn't say my vows to society. I said them to Mr. Wonderful and to God. And we (my husband and I) had already experienced the impact divorce has on children. Both of our parents are divorced and we knew many of the consequences of such a decision. We were in the middle of the consequences in our own families (just for the record, I feel my mother was completely justified in seeking a divorce as she was being abused by her husband). So, that is kind of what spurred us into making this commitment to one another.

Why it helps...

The threat is not a bargaining tool or a way to get what we want from the other person because there is no threat.

We are forced to think of a way to solve the problem, not a way to avoid the problem.

Our children never have to hear us discuss something scary and permanently invasive to their little lives.

We don't look for faults in each other when we are unhappy.

We can talk about hard things with one another with out the fear of this being a consequence (though, me crying or getting frustrated may be a consequence because I am quite emotional...)


Those are just some of the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I would encourage you to think about doing this in your marriage as well. Not because I know all there is to know about marriage (I can assure you, I don't) but because it has helped me a lot in the way I think about marriage and my husband.