What it is like.

I have been told numerous times lately that it is beneficial to try and see other people's viewpoints. This may seem simple to most people and just like a "duh" kind of thing but to me its difficult. It has nothing to do with what I want for myself and more to do with how my mind interprets information. But I am slowly relearning some things and working on it. But that isn't really what this post is about. But this idea of see other people's perspective and putting myself in their shoes for a moment has made me ponder if people who don't have anxiety know what it is like.

I can't begin to explain what having an anxiety disorder is like so that people "get it". But maybe I can share someone else's experience that maybe you haven't thought of. Or maybe you absolutely know exactly what I mean. Whichever case... this is just what I feel like writing about today.

I hate when people are late. Like... loathe it. It is borderline obsessive how upset I get. At about 5 minutes past our meeting time, my heart starts racing, my throat starts closing up, my head starts spinning with thoughts.  It is not that I want to be rude or lose friends. It is that I literally am terrified when someone is late. They have gotten hit by a car, or their child was kidnapped, or they are being held hostage at a bank... I have a hard time keeping my thoughts under control. She caught all of the stop lights red or she got held up in a slow line at the convenience store or she had to go get gas before heading my way... those seem like logical enough thoughts except they are never the ones that come.

I also can't be late. It, too, is obsessive. And the anxiety is a bit different. I start feeling overwhelmed, nauseous, irritable, angry and upset when I run late. My hands start sweating, head pounding, sometimes if I think I 'might' be late... there are tears. I have actually told my counselor before that if I am late for a session she should probably call my husband or the police because it would really be an emergency if I were late. I just can't handle it. I feel like I am being a disappointment, that I am holding people up, that I am setting myself up for an odd social experience. I start to feel like I am being rude and that people will judge me or won't ask me to do things with them anymore.

And social stuff... yea, I pretty much hate it all. It is all overwhelming and scary. What if she doesn't like me, what if I spill something, what if I have nothing to talk about. I am stupid, I don't have a degree, I hate feeling judged. Sweaty, sick, avoidant. Shy... I don't like talking to new people. It is so hard. Crowds freak me out. What if there is a fire when I am in a crowd. All I can think of is that episode from Seinfeld where George is running out of his girlfriends sons birthday party pushing over all the kids and old ladies to save himself. And I am short so I just feel like I am all closed in.

And family, my family is like the source of so much fear and anxiety. What if I die? What if one of them dies? What if no one likes my sons and they hate school and... What if my husband leaves me? How can I handle something like that (so not even a legitimate fear just so anyone knows... that is a huge part of why anxiety sucks... most of it is not logical, I just can't stop my brain)? What if someone kidnaps my children? What if someone hurts them?... I literally do not leave my kids with anyone. I have when it was absolutely necessary... like when I had a baby or when I had surgery but I have so much fear and anxiety about leaving them with people. I know they are mostly safe with me. That I won't hurt or abuse them. That Daddy won't hurt or abuse them. But I was abused by a babysitter in various ways so I know there is distrust there that comes from somewhere but it doesn't mean its logical for me now.

This is the tip of the iceberg. I could go on and on and on. My mind just runs like a crazy fool into the land of scary. And if it were as easy as just thinking differently, I would do it. I do take medication that helps somewhat but it just never completely fades and if I get too quiet I start worrying again. I have tried praying, I have tried meditation and working out and they all only help... while I am doing them.

Not that I want people to feel sorry for me. Because that would suck. But I do want people to understand anxiety and how it affects people a little better... maybe? I don't want to worry. I am envious of how my husband can put things on a shelf and say "there is nothing i can do about it, I will think about it when it happens." But all you can do is work on it right... slowly but surely it gets a little better, a little less overwhelming. I even let someone be 10 minutes late the other day and didn't cry :) Not that I want it to happen again or anything but its a step in the right direction.

I do really want to be able to understand people better and I want to be more honest so people can understand me better. I guess that is part of healing and figuring it all out. If I have been a pain in the butt to you in the past with how stubborn I can be on some subjects, I am sorry. I am trying to be more... I don't know... empathetic. It takes time and unlearning a lot of stuff and replacing it with healthy stuff so give me some time but I am trying.

Wow, long super rambling kind of post. Sorry about that.