Grief comes in waves

The other day I was adding some items to our registry like I do every year. Our families really like having this so they have ideas about what we need and would like. They don't live close so this really helps everyone out in many ways. Anyway, I went to the page and signed in... and I saw that the last visitor to my registry had been MW Grandfather. And I just sat there and cried for a while. Sad that he won't be picking out the boys' Christmas gifts this year. Every year since we had Super Muscles, Papa had picked out their Christmas and birthday gifts. It is just what he did. They never really bought anyone else gifts. They gave cards and money to their children and grandchildren. But he loved picking out gifts for our boys. After that I was getting Slobber Rocket's shoes on and they were the gift that Papa had picked out for him last year. His very first pair of sneakers. The shoes he learned to walk in. And since he is so tiny, he is just now starting to get real snug in these shoes and we have recently went up a half a size but he can wear these if his bigger shoes are hiding and that is what happened that day. And I just thought to myself, I am not sure if I can ever get rid of these cute blue stride rites. They were the last thing that he gave to my son. And it has all hit me like a wave... the first Christmas since I was 15 that I won't spend with this great man. With a man that had so much influence on my husband and the person he grew into.

The paintings on my wall that he did for us. The gift my husband gave me when we were 16. It was right after his grandfather started painting again after his stroke. It is a painting based off of a special place that we went the summer before. It was given to me on our first official date (I wasn't allowed to date alone until I was 16... pretty sure its a good rule and will be the rule for my children too). It reminds me of such a happy day in my life. And it was so special because it was the first painting of the MANY that he would paint over the next several years. My husband asked him for this and it sparked something in his grandfather... and it was something we would come to enjoy watching from then on out. Every time we would return home from college for a break, we would drop in and see the newest paintings. And the joy that he had creating something beautiful. And I love having a piece (or a few pieces) of that in my home. I miss him today. I am heartbroken that my boys will never know him the way I knew him. Funny and witty and charming and talented and smart.

But they will get to see him as we saw him through stories and memories. And I am sure my husband will bust out the "Hey stand up, I think you have something on you"... "While you are up, can you get me a soda?" haha... on our kids. His grandfather did that to me one of the first times I had dinner at their house. It was so funny, I still laugh about it. I was so confused. lol.

Like a wave... today I am a bit overwhelmed by the sadness that comes with losing someone you love so much. He wasn't biological family but he adopted me the day he met me. And treated me just like I had always been a part of his family. This Christmas is our first with out him and I know its going to be hard on so many people. I just wish there was more I could do to ease the pain for my family this holiday season. Love you all.