Expectations

I am learning a lot about myself. Starting to figure out what is truly important to me and what is meaningless. Starting to learn how I actually feel instead of covering it up with pleasing everyone. Addressing all the hard stuff in my past and even present and putting them in their place, assigning feelings and emotions, and working... legitimately... through them. 

One thing that i have learned through this is that expectations get you in trouble. Not that I am good at letting go of expectations yet. In fact, I suck at it. But I want to get better and am working on figuring out how to get my expectations for people lower. It is two-fold... I want to get hurt less. Even if I can meet the expectations I set for others, it is hurtful to me when they can't. It is so hard to have people in your life that you can't even hold reasonable expectations on because they can't come near meeting them. I feel like I am babying them because I literally have to strip down everything I had thought and expected before to nothing. And ideals get in the way too. Family "should" do this or family "should" do that. Family should never speak to me that way or they should respect my feelings and needs. Or they should not hit below the belt because they are angry (by the way, I really think its ridiculous to attack someone's beliefs because you disagree with how they are behaving... it is a low blow and I may have a very hard time getting over it). And it is hard and frustrating. I want to be able to have relationships that I can depend on and where I don't have to do so much teaching and boundary setting. I desperately want normal but that is an absolutely unreasonable expectation. So my expectations set me up to get hurt a lot. But also the high expectations give me an easy out for relationships. It is a protection mechanism. I have these expectations and once you piss me off... I can pretty easily write you off. Unreliable, untrustworthy, liar, incompetent... it leads to lots of judging on my part. And I realize these are learned behaviors and they will take a while to unlearn but I am so done. I just wish I could get it. That things would click and I would be able to make friends and that I would be able to accept my family for what it is. Manage relationships in ways that are healthy for me and not feel obligated to others. 

One of my 12 steppers (I have two amazing women in my life in recovery and I refer to them as 12 stepping me when they pull out things they learn in the 12 step program :)) told me the other day that "expectations are resentments waiting to happen". And when I look back on my life I see that pretty clearly. Especially as an adult... most of the time I get upset or angry with someone is when they don't meet my expectations. Even if my expectations are low... it is not my job to enforce expectations on others. I mean I can set boundaries, I can back away from the relationships, I can stand up for what I feel is right... but I can't push my own morals and views onto other people. That is their choice and I have to find a way to let other people handle their own "stuff" without feeling so hurt by it. And I also need to figure out how to give people 2nd chances so I can make friends. I need to stop dismissing people for mistakes. 

A friend of mine and I had dinner together the other night. One thing we discussed is knowing when its time to have children. She has been married for a bit over a year. And she said to me that she was scared of loving another person because she is scared that they will... not always be there (the particular conversation was referring to death)... but it struck a chord with me because I feel the same way. My fears hinge on something different but they are very similar. I am terrified of being abandoned. I am scared to death to get close to people and have them leave me or hurt me or disappoint me in ways that can't be repaired. It is pretty much all I have known. My husband and best friend are really the only two people I trust not to do that. And sometimes I even doubt that pretty strongly. And I am not sure, today, how to get past that fear. I want to badly because I really want to work on having relationships that are healthy and mutually beneficial to me and the other parties... I just don't know how yet. I keep reminding myself that it is a process. So I am going to keep pushing and keep learning about myself and... try to lower my expectations. Even if just a little at a time, I will be moving toward some of my goals.