A big change

I only have the time and or... energy to discuss one huge life altering event at a time. And since there are plenty of them going on in my life right now... I guess you just have to wait in suspense. Or something like that. I highly doubt anyone actually waits in suspense for me to update my blog but I can dream. Ha!

Anyway, I guess the real story starts back in October. I was working on telling my family big stuff and writing letters and doing all sorts of stuff in counseling. Just a lot of stuff going on... when I got an email from my biological father. To me, it was complicating an already complicated time. I am angry with him and don't understand what is going on at all. The email basically said that he has been thinking about us (me and my brothers) and that he was interested in meeting up with me in December to explain everything or answer questions or just to... try and see if we can get to know one another. He wanted to be in my life and in the life of my family. I was pissed. I hadn't seen him for 20 years. He missed everything important in my life. Christmases, graduations, basketball games, my wedding, the birth of my kids, trips to mcdonalds... anything as big or small as you can imagine, he missed. He was completely absent in my life throughout my entire childhood. I did not at all understand any of it. Why now? Why if he changed his life 15 years ago... why not then? There are just so many questions going through my head. It is all so confusing. And I sat on it and stewed on it for a good long time. Well over a month of just thinking about it. Spending lots of time talking to my younger brother, counselor and husband about it. Getting angry, getting hopeful, getting confused and frustrated. I feel like my younger brother is the only person in the world who understands me right now and I just kept talking to him about it. Getting angry together... cooling off together.

Then I came to a point of... I am trying to change some of the things in my personality and life that have held me back from relationships. I am trying to change my black and white thinking. I am trying to see more sides of the situation than just mine and open up to the fact that sometimes there is more than one right. I am trying to become open minded and more forgiving. There are several people in my life who I have given chance after chance after chance to. Why can't I give him a chance to show me that he has changed and is sincere. With no expectations. I don't expect to get a dad out of this. Most of me feels like that ship has sailed. But, I could have some sort of relationship with him that works for us. And my kids could gain someone in their lives who will hopefully care for them and be good to them. So why can't I just meet with him and let him explain? Why can't I let him give my boys a Christmas gift if he wants to do that? Why can't I try and put the past behind me and really, genuinely try and get to know who he is now? There was really no good reason that I could think of. I was acting out of hurt and fear and anger. My first reaction was all frustration and anger. But it wasn't logical and it wasn't a reaction that took what I am trying to do with myself into play. Once I realized my brother was warming up to the idea and starting to feel like maybe we should give him a chance to explain, I pretty much knew that is what I needed to do. So my younger brother and I are going to go have lunch with a man that we haven't seen in 20 years next week. A man that provided the genetics to bring us into this world but that neither of us know. And I am scared and nervous and scared. But I will have my brother with me for support and he makes me feel safer. He has made me feel understood lately when no one else has been able to. And I know its because we have been through so many of the same things together. We genuinely do understand what its like.

I figure... what is the worst that can happen? The worst that can happen is I find out he hasn't changed and is a jerk... and I don't have a relationship with him. But it brings closure to the whole thing. I already haven't had a relationship with him for most of my life. So the worst that can happen is things stay the same but I shut the door to a lot of unanswered questions. There is a whole list of better outcomes than that so I guess my odds are pretty good at a positive learning experience. I am hanging onto that. Keep us in your prayers and thoughts. Most likely we will be doing lunch on the 21st...