Simple is... complicated

I am a very simplistic thinker. I mean there are usually only two options right? Right and wrong. Good and bad. Correct and incorrect. Well that isn't actually right but that is how my brain works anyway. I have a very hard time seeing the complexity in situations. I make judgments pretty much solely on what I perceive to be good or right. I shun what is wrong or bad. I am terribly hard on myself if I turn out to be doing something I see as wrong or if I did make a mistake. And as simple as the way I think is... it makes my life very difficult and complex because it colors every single relationship that I have (or will have). I have a very hard time accepting people for who they are. I either play someone up a lot because they seem really good to me (my husband for example... though he is great man, I often have an inflated view of him and hold him to really high standards) or they seem... evil... to me. This makes relationships very hard for me to figure out because I just can't wrap my head around "grey areas". That doing something "grey" does not make someone bad or unworthy of my friendship. This is something we deal with in my counseling sessions quite frequently. How do you get your expectations down to reasonable when you have this way of thinking about things? The obvious solution is to slowly change how you think and to lower expectations of others.

To me that is not as easy or obvious to do just because I literally have a hard time processing events and people in a way that seems reasonable to most other people. I get why I do it but change is slow and slow bothers me. My friend said to me today that I just need to be okay where I am at right now. And maybe she is right but it seems like I am stalling out and feeling worse about a lot of things. And I know that is just how it is. But I just want to be able to hear what I need to do, and do it. I can't, but I wish I could. It takes work and slow, methodical changes. It takes pushing myself but slowly enough that I don't have panic attacks or make very big mistakes when trying to pummel through to the end. It takes dedication. I am dedicated to becoming a healthier person. I am dedicated to setting appropriate boundaries with family and friends for the sake of my own well being and the well being of my boys. I am dedicated to slowly and methodically realizing I contribute to some of the issues and working to change those parts about myself. But I don't think its simple. And I am sad that I am learning to do things you are supposed to pick up along the way in childhood at 25. It makes no sense to me and it forces me to face the facts about my expectations... they can't be met so I have to let them go.

So, I think simply. Some people think that my honesty and sense of integrity are great traits. They are most likely the 2 friends I have. ha. But for the most part, the simple way I think hurts relationships because it doesn't allow people to be who they are and where they are. And it hinders me from accepting them. Acceptance. I am not very good at accepting things outside of my ideals. I have to realize the world is not perfect and people are not perfect. I am not sure what this actually means for some relationships because I know there is a balance. Accepting too much allows pain. Not accepting breeds loneliness. I have to set boundaries. Real, identifiable boundaries to keep from being continuously hurt and to pave the way for the next several months and big decisions in my life. But acceptance has to be part of it too. Realizing that there is grey and there are things in peoples lives that need empathy and grace. So I am sorry if I have been less than accepting of any of you. I don't mean to be and I am trying to work on it. My counselor keeps telling me these are things I can learn and I am trusting her. She is challenging me in lots of ways and the growing pains are, at times, pretty miserable. But I am trusting her and trusting that one day, I will have more healthy, meaningful relationships. Until then, I am learning a whole lot about how my simple ways of thinking make things more complicated sometimes.