Self-importance

It seems to me like our society really values the idea of altruism. Doing something for someone else at your own expense to better their life. Or putting someones welfare above your own. It is a very noble idea. It is actually something I value very much. I think its a true testament of humanity and "evolution" that such a thing exists in the world. That a species can have some representatives that have this value. It goes against nature. I think it is something deeper than nature. Something a bit supernatural or that God can place into the hearts of man (if you allow me to get all... theological for a moment). I bring this up, because this is a very valued quality in humanity as I see it. And I am someone who strives desperately hard to mold myself into a "good" person. When people look into my life I want them to see me in a way that says "she was a great person. She loved God, she loved others, she worked hard, she helped people". I could create such a list that shows just how much I value other peoples view of me. And you would think the desire to be altruistic or very morally upright in the eyes of others would be a good thing. A healthy thing. That is what I have always thought anyway (I admit, many of my thoughts are not healthy or "normal" so if you think I sound odd that is why).

But I am in the process of learning that self-importance or self-love or self-acceptance is pretty much equally as important. That it is the key, of sorts, to getting to the point where I can love people how I want to love them. I am having a very hard time expressing what I am trying to say... that has been happening to me a lot. What I mean is that if I can't love myself and take care of myself then I can not give to others. Sometimes I just want to love others so much maybe because I feel like it will fill some void that disliking myself leaves. But it never does and generally just perpetuates the self-critical thoughts. Now I am not saying doing for others is bad. Actually it one way to lessen anxiety and it is something that works quite well for me. But I am saying I can't focus on it to the exclusion of myself (which is basically what I have done for a long time... put a lot of effort into other people while putting myself on the back burner). I have to let go of wanting things because I think it is what makes me look good to others. I have to be able to know myself and accept myself for who I am today. I have to be okay with it while striving to do better tomorrow. But mostly I just have to be okay with taking time to work on me. I have to quit thinking it is selfish because it isn't! It is what many people I love and want to help need. A healthy wife, mom, friend... So as much as I value altruism, I am going to be trying to put my own needs first for a little bit. And harder than putting my own needs first for a bit, I will also be striving not to feel bad for that. The logical end to this is me being more able to aspire to the traits I value. Neglecting myself has taken from me the things I want to offer to others. I am reclaiming those things one day at a time. I might not believe it very often but I am going to keep saying it: I am important and I am going to work hard to show myself love and care so that I can show the same to those around me.