Moving past Anger

My counseling assignment this week is to write out all of the reasons I am angry with someone who has been very influential in my life. I didn't really want to do it and I still don't. The thought I keep having is that I don't want to focus on anger! Because it upsets me and adds to my anxiety. But as I started writing, and writing, and writing... I realized I have a lot of anger trapped inside. A lot. I have known I was angry. I can say the words easily. I have even dropped the "hate" word regarding this person. But getting out all the specific reasons and instances... big and small, obvious and subtle, personality flaws and actions... it makes me see just how angry I am.

I started writing on Tuesday. Within 5 minutes I had a whole page full of reasons I was angry. Then I had to stop for a while because I was getting upset with myself and with the fact that this person has hurt me so much. I expected a list but I really didn't expect to be able to sit down and write down 20+ reasons for anger in mere moments. Then came the guilt. And when I talked to my husband and about his understanding of the situation and my anger... more guilt. Not that it is his fault by any means because he did nothing wrong but he just doesn't understand how I have interpreted some things. He doesn't understand how I can have so much anger towards this person but have a totally different outlook and even sympathy toward past abusers. And, logically, it makes no sense to me either. I know it is normal as far as abuse goes (well, there is a wide range of normal) as I have been reassured that this is fairly common. But then I feel guilty like I should be less angry with this person and more angry with other people. Like maybe there is some cosmic balance of anger and acceptance among all of these people that will settle things into a peaceful state in my mind.

But the point ends up being... I can't continue to be this angry. I am not sure what that looks like though. It may be ending some relationships or enforcing extremely strict boundaries. I know that it isn't going to be staying how things are. It won't be allowing these relationships to continue to be destructive and hurtful in my life. I have to take responsibility for my part in allowing myself to continue to get hurt. I have the ability and know how to change the nature of the relationships. I lack some of the skills right now to do it all successfully but I am trying to learn those skills. At the same time, I think there may always be anger. I have very rigid ideals and being angry goes against kind of the way I view a "good" person. Which then makes me feel like a very bad person because of all of the anger I feel. But I think I have to mold the situation I am in and my ideals to become something healthier. I am not a bad person because I am angry. I am not a bad person because I feel guilt. I am not a bad person because I have sympathy for people who maybe I shouldn't have sympathy for. And even if I remain angry about some things, if I set healthy boundaries and get to a point where I can move past the anger in a productive way... well maybe there really is an acceptable level of anger.

I am not sure really but I need to figure out the balance that works for me and, by extension, my family.