Figuring it all out and preschool

Figuring out who you are or who you want to be is tough. Acting perfect doesn't work and neither does acting how you feel. Both of them alienate me to the point of feeling like no one really wants to get to know me. It is like you have to balance a good persona with the true, harsh realities of life. You gotta let the good show and hints of the tough but not too much of either. No one wants to be around someone who brags or talks too much about themselves and no one wants to be around a downer either. But I live in a world between euphoria and depression and anger. When things are good for me... I can think of a lot of good and it is so easy to talk about. When things are bad, I don't talk much because no one really seems too interested in my deep dark secrets and issues... and who wants to be dragged into my hole with me? There is rarely middle ground lately. Where my head is clear enough to exist in this funk while acknowledging the good at the same time.

Not to say I can't name off all the good things in my life or how blessed I am. I can. But my mind has issues existing in two places at once. I am intently focused on a goal. It has incredible moral implications for me and really huge consequences and I have been completely occupied much of the time by it. My counselor says I need to schedule it in. Ha. That makes me giggle because I am very schedule oriented so in theory it seems like a great idea. I hate being late. I like knowing exactly how my day will go. Feeling rushed makes me anxious. Being late makes me miserable. But the idea of giving these thoughts a beginning and an end seems too hard. They just consume me sometimes... for hours and hours. Or even days. It is the whole anxiety thing. Preoccupied with massive and overwhelming thoughts and fears. I still take care of my kids and kiss on them and play with them.They deserve that. I realize they deserve it. But... I am not giving them all of me. I am so split with them. Trying to act okay when I am not okay. And trying to figure out if some balance actually exists where I can be me in the good and bad and still form solid relationships that have meaning and depth.

I guess the ultimate goal would be... balance. I think that is one over arching theme in life. Balance in all things. Balancing my past with my present and future. Letting it teach me and learning to release things that I can't carry healthily into the future with me. Sometimes it seems as if those things define me in many ways but I don't want them to. But I also want to feel comfortable being myself even if it isn't always pretty. I am not talking about being a bad person... sheesh I am not very articulate this evening. At any rate, life is confusing me a bit right now and I just don't really know how to go about handling it.

My Super Muscles starts preschool next week. I am very anxious about it. His teachers are very sweet and kind. He has 3 teachers in his room and I think they said 14 kids will start on Tuesday. They can enroll up to 20 in the room so the ratio is pretty good. I think he will love it. I, however, will be letting Daddy take the boy to his first day of school while attending a counseling session. If I leave this up to me to do, it could turn out badly. So I am not doing that. I have to step back and not sabotage things for my big boy. I am having a lot of anxiety about this and I could very easily see myself not taking him. Or not wanting to leave my house. Or taking him and having a panic attack when I get outside. I am thankful that MW is willing to help me with this. My counselor also thinks this is a good plan for his first day. Hopefully when I pick him up he will be so excited! And ultimately this will be a good thing. I know if I can just get through it, it will be great. It is just the whole trusting people I don't know well to take care of my son for a big part of the day... thing. He will love it. It will be good for both of us. I just have to keep convincing myself those things are true.