No touching please

I went to my first counseling session yesterday. I found it to be... strange. I had a lot of anxiety about it and had to talk myself into going in. Like, I called a friend because I was about a half a second from turning around and going back home. My stomach was killing me, I was nauseous, I was feeling like the car was closing in on me, I couldn't think and it was getting hard to breathe... I was having a panic attack. I have sort of learned some tricks to helping myself get through them. I can calm myself down most of the time enough to function. I calmed myself to the point that I could go inside but my stomach was in absolute knots. The office was nice. Good music, amazing decorating style, sweet faces... I started to calm down a little. Then my counselor came out to see me and that is where I decided this really really really might not be a great idea. I say hi and then she gives me a big, giant hug. I feel the room closing in on me again. I feel like there is no where to run. I feel like the hug lasts 15 minutes... at least. I just want her to stop touching me. I don't say anything because I don't like confrontation. I ignore all the retreat orders going through my brain. I resist the urge to shove her away from me and run out of the room. I felt so out of control. I hated being touched and I couldn't move or say anything. We go in and do some talking/intake kind of stuff. I was honest, detached but honest.

When I got home, my husband asserts that I should just tell her how I felt. I thought he was right but I always worry about hurting people's feelings and not saying things with enough consideration. I used to be one of the most tactless people around. I used to wear my anger with the world right on my sleeve and anything could piss me off. I fight those tenancies down. I still have a lot of anger. But I don't want to be an angry person. So I run from most confrontation. And my initial response was to avoid confrontation. But my husband pointed out that avoiding it would only result in another similar situation. And honestly, I don't want to discount someone because they touched me when they didn't even know I didn't want to be touched. I tell Super Muscles all the time to use his words when he is in a situation that is frustrating or hurtful but I don't even know how to use my own words. I sent her an email last night and explained the situation. It was a compromise between confronting the issue head on and in person and running from the situation all together. Thankfully I am sure most counselors are used to weirdos who don't like to be touched though. And as my friend so eloquently put it "if she doesn't like it, she can talk to her therapist about it".

So maybe once I have this whole touching thing under control I will feel more comfortable seeing her next week? This week has been very hard on me as far as emotions go but to be honest I am going to have a period of time where I suck to be around or talk to. The first couple of months of therapy have proven, in the past, to be very hard on me. And right now I am trying to deal with some things that are much more difficult in terms of actually handling than I have addressed before. I am digging up the past (intentionally) in order to make one of the hardest, most complicated decisions I have ever made. Prayers and healing thoughts are, as always, quite welcome. Thanks for being part of my journey. I appreciate everyone who reads my blog and thinks about me.