I am a mess.

Sometimes I think I am a big mess. Anxiety, trust issues, abandonment, abuse, unmet expectations, hurt, failure. I feel like those define me some days. And in some ways, they very much define me. They are part of me and influence how I act and react in this world. I feel paralyzed by the fear that my husband is one day going to not think I am good enough any longer or that I am going to turn into someone who really and truly is unlovable. Or that my kids are going to grow up and want nothing to do with me. So many fears. But if I hold on to them, they gain more power. I can't DO anything about my past. I can't fix my childhood or create a dad who was active in my life or who loved me. I can't turn back the clock and grow up with the siblings I am just now getting to know. I can't erase the bruises on my small body or on my brothers' bodies. And even those things don't guarantee it would have turned out any better.

I am very big on processing things though. How can I process what I have gone through to make it productive for me? To make it drive me to be a better person, wife, mom, friend, sister... How can I forgive to the point that little things don't upset me dramatically? How can I be healthy and happy with who I am? How can I feel loved and valued when it seems like, by many, I am not? Why does the past have to affect me so heavily and is there a way to change that?

But in reality... all of those things are lies. My husband loves me and values me. He listens to me and respects me. I care for my children the best I can and they know they are loved. And everything bad about my childhood... they are just lies. Every beating was a lie telling me I am not good enough. Watching my brothers be hurt were lies too instilling in them that they were not good enough and even small mistakes deserved big punishment. A dad that left when I was tiny was a lie in regards to my importance and value. A child can't see these things. But I have many good days when I see those were, indeed, lies. No one deserves to be beaten. No one deserves to be made to feel like they are unwanted or unloved. And that no one includes me.

But days like I have had the last few days... I feel like such a child again. Insecurity, disgust with myself, over critical. I am just trying to step back and remind myself that I don't have to believe those lies anymore.

So what can I do? I guess I can stop the cycle of abuse which I have done with my family. I can stop dwelling on the past and focus on today and being happy today.  And I can try to be as healthy as possible. Sometimes for me, that will include going to therapy or seeing my doctor or just writing my feelings out. It will require help from my family and friends to let me know when I need additional help. Anxiety and depression can be very hidden from the people who suffer from them. And I can keep reminding myself over and over and over again that I am valued and loved. I need that reinforced as a truth to cover up all of the ugly lies I have been told. And I can forgive. It is hard but it is freeing. I can let go of the anger and realize that I don't own their actions but I do own my reaction and I don't have to be angry and resentful.

Do any of you struggle with things like this? How do you handle it? What helps you and how do you work on forgiveness?