Worry

My sweet boy a few weeks ago in his infant carrier.

I think for lots of people worry is a persistent nuisance. If it isn't one thing its another. If it isn't one relationship, it is another. I have been pretty open about the fact that I struggle a lot with anxiety. It started getting bad in high school until, in college, I was regularly having panic attacks and was unable to sleep or function. I bailed on many many of my classes my freshman year because I was too depressed and tired to go to class. Not only was I processing a lot of my past, I was also worried about my future and not sleeping well. It all mixed together and proved to be a pretty toxic combination for me and my mental health. I went to counseling and tried medications and I mostly do much better now. I have pretty well learned to focus on what I can control and let go of what I can't control. Let the hurt heal and focus on the positive.

But sometimes I fall very much into the trap of worrying beyond what is healthy. It is the kind of worry that makes your stomach hurt for a week and makes you not want to eat because you just feel queasy (but eat I do, I am nurturing a little person so I force myself to eat well). And it all hinges on that little boy that I eat well for. What is wrong with him? That is all I have been thinking about now for quite a while. What is going on in his tiny little body and what can I do to help him? Is there anything I can do? Why has he only gained 11 oz in 6 months? Why is he still the size of a 6 mos old? Why does he still fit into his infant carrier with the straps on the lowest setting? Why can I carry him around in that thing like he is only 6 mos old? Why hasn't he grown the typical 10 inches most kids grow in their first year of life? He is very nearly a year old. And the comments drive me crazy. I have tried not to worry about him for so long. Because honestly he is smart and sweet and learning new games and tricks and words. He is very mobile and has good dexterity. But he just is not growing. And now, after thinking for a long time that he would eventually really start growing, I am worried. Worried about tests, worried about health, worried about what this all means for him. Praying it is simple and easy to fix. Fearing it is neither of those things. I have a (nearly) 1 yr old that weighs 16 lbs 12 oz. I know he eats well. I know he nurses often. I know hes getting calories. What I don't know... is why those calories aren't making him grow. And I feel like if I don't talk about it, the worry is going to drive me mad. So, I am sharing how I feel with the hopes that getting it out will calm my mind and help me focus on what needs to be done.

But he is such a blessing and fun little person in our lives. He kisses my face constantly and plays with my hair when he nurses. He is very very stubborn in many ways and will shake his head NO if he doesn't want something or want to do something. And if that head starts shaking, I might as well hang it up because he is not going to give in. And he throws his arms up in the air to be carried around (on his perch) anytime he sees me or his dad. I am in love with this boy and worry is not going to paralyze me from enjoying him.

I am working on trusting and leaving the fear behind.