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with not being okay.
My counselor asked me to think about how I can be okay with not feeling okay as I make some very big decisions. I have avoided answering this question for days. It seemed the hardest of the things I am supposed to think about.
I guess the first question is: is it okay to not be okay? I generally feel like I am letting people down if I am not okay. I have kids to raise, a house to clean, dinners to make, parent teacher conferences to attend, church obligations, a dog, a husband to spend time with... the list goes on and on and on. Looking at my schedule for next week makes me all too aware that I have a lot of stuff to take care of and it makes me feel like I don't have time to "not be okay". Really, I don't. Every moment of my week seems to be occupied by... something. And the moments that are not occupied by something, I should be cleaning or cooking or making Christmas gifts. So going into it, I thought that I just can't be not okay. I can't because I don't have the time and I don't want to punish my family.
But the truth is that whether I have time to be not okay or not... I am not okay. I am struggling badly with anxiety. Worry about big decisions, social anxiety, general worries about kids and health and family and schools for SM and panic attacks and asthma and allergies and so much stuff. I think people that don't struggle daily with anxiety have a hard time actually knowing what an anxiety disorder must be like. I technically have 2 anxiety disorders. So on top of worrying about everything in life and it's sister, I have triggers for anxiety related to the past abuse and my childhood. It is a fairly complex beast. But when I am not taking care of myself and filling up my cup with healthy and useful coping skills... anxiety can be a very debilitating thing for me. OR even when I am taking care of myself but have very hard choices to make or am trying to do something that scares me to death... I am not okay. Right now, I am not okay.
So after I established that I am, in fact, NOT okay... I started thinking more about the question. How can I be okay with not feeling great? How can I be okay with not being okay? Is it even possible? I often times feel like I just don't work right. Is it okay that I don't work right? That I have to exert a huge amount of effort to just be able to cope with... taking my children out in public or being able to handle anxiety enough that I can actually sleep normally? Is there really a way to be accepting of the fact that even though I love working out I hate going to the gym? I hate people looking at me, I hate talking to people, I have to go to the locker room and calm myself down after I leave my 20 month old with people I barely know? Or that I can't make phone calls.. I have to be desperate for help before I make a phone call. Will accepting that help? When you accept something as truth does it mean that you are making excuses for not doing things right or well?
I don't like being like this. I don't like being socially awkward. I don't like struggling to make friends or struggling to trust people with my kids. I don't like that I seem judgmental to people because my brain works how it works. Because it puts actions and people into very neat little categories and I lack something in there to create more than 2 categories.
So I accept it. Is it like recovery where admitting that it is a problem is a step toward help? Or is it justifying how you behave even if it is unhealthy?
Anyway all of this is basically the preface to an excerpt that I wrote today. This is how I think... its a very long and drawn out process most of the time.
So how can I be okay with not feeling okay (this question is related to a big decision I am making)?
I guess you ultimately stand on principles. You find conviction or confidence or something that makes it worth while. You trust the people around you to make sure you don't break or crumble. Take care of yourself. And... jump in.
I guess I am going to jump in. I might need a push but I am just going to jump in because I have no other choice. Prayers and positive thoughts are very appreciated.
5 comments:
In all honesty, no one is okay. You get that right? We've all been broken in different ways. I have a lot of trouble connecting with other people on more than a superficial basis. I know the people in my life who I can count on for certain things (like the who I can leave my child with) but on the other hand, even though I may appreciate them, I don't really ever show any one person enough of myself for them to actually "get" me. Does that make sense?
It's a defense mechanism after years of trying to connect but finding that most people just aren't that interested. It hurts, a lot.
My issues don't manifest themselves as feelings of anxiety. Instead, I tend to end up in situations where it's easy for people in my life to neglect me. I put forth a certain amount of effort and then when I wear down, I take a break. That's usually when I notice that the phone doesn't ring. No one checks in. I was the glue. And lately, I've decided I don't want to be the glue any more. But it's frightfully lonely.
So, yes, acceptance and adaption are key. So I'm sending you many positive thoughts.
Thanks for your comment Loosey. I think you are at least partially right. No one is okay all of the time. And that is a ridiculous expectation to hold myself up to.
I am learning a lot about acceptance right now. It is hard to accept things that should just... not be. But without accepting that what happened happened and who people are is who they are... I will have a hard time learning skills to adapt.
I really enjoyed your recent post BTW.
Ok So I told you I was going to bed... I was/am..but I had to read your blog first. I can honestly say, as a mom, a wife, a referre(LOL), a christian... all that. that I am normal in my feelings, That it is OK to not be OK. And God sent you to me to help me understand that I need to deal with my issues head on. Its nice to have someone to relate to. And in a way Connect with. I admire your strength and courage to jump in. You have inspired me in more ways than one. I can't give up, I wont. And I am learning to accept that its ok to not be OK all the time. Im also learning more and more to let go and Let GOD. When I lay down and give it all to him... wow what a difference.
I enjoyed this Blog... In more ways than I can even being to express... Thanks!
Even when you're not OK, you have people who love you and support you. You are the best you you can be every day, and I think that's pretty awesome for now <3
~amanda
I really liked the question about whether to accept your feelings or fight your feelings. I would say that the way you are feeling needs to improve for sure. You are in survival mode and not in living mode. However, the hard part, it seems, that you face is not being too hard on yourself for feeling so down and out. Who needs feelings on top of feelings? Who needs to feel guilty for feeling? Maybe that is the step you need to take first...removing the guilt from the way you feel. Then, you can start fixing the real, core feelings that are getting in the way of your happiness. Just a thought.
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