Trying to figure it out

I was reading a friends blog today. It is a private blog so I can't share it with you but it really spoke to me. You see, she laid it ALL out there for her friends to read. I mean a whole past of abuse, horribly awful treatment. And how she came to God through it all. Basically it was a very detailed testimony. In such detail that most people don't, won't or can't give.

I put myself in the can't category. Right now, I can't talk about all that has happened to me with that much courage. I mean, I can explain that I had a rough childhood. That I have lived through many forms of abuse. That I grew up in poverty. That the men in my life have never been able to have a normal functioning relationship with me (not that I knew it was abnormal until I was much older). I can explain those things. But ultimately I want to help people. I think my life and past has the potential to help people find their voice and refuse to continue living in the past or continue being abused. I think the fact that I grew up to marry a very good man when statistics show that I should be in yet another abusive relationship is powerful. And I can attribute it to my relationship with God. With seeing the value He had in me. And discovering my own worth through that. But I can't quite share so freely yet. I am too scared. Horrified to hurt people who don't know everything and just plain terrified of messing things up. So I know it makes no sense. I know writing is therapeutic so writing it out and dealing with it will help. I spent a lot of time in therapy doing just that. Fleshing it out and forgiving. Finding my voice. Learning to stand up for myself. Rediscovering confidence.

I made promises to myself when I was a little girl that I would never get into relationships like I saw my mom in. And a sweet 14 yr old walked into my life my freshman year of high school and I kept that promise. And that sweet 14 yr old has never left my side and has helped me through such massive hurdles in my life. That is a miracle. Maybe some people take not being abused for granted because that is a normal functioning relationship but I never knew that until I started dating my husband. My normal included seeing my mom choose abusive men and gaining an attitude that she deserved or had somehow earned abuse. And now I look at my mom who is SUCH a sweet and good person under all the baggage, struggle to keep it all together. I am not even sure that she knows what happiness is anymore and it makes me so sad. And maybe she reads this blog... it is certainly possible. I hope you don't take offense to what I am saying Mom. I love you and I wish you would seek help to deal with your past. I know it would make a huge difference in your life and in your marriage.

But the point is, I can't dive into it yet but I hope one day I have the courage my friend, JD, has shown. I am not ready to be that vulnerable yet but I know God has in store for me to use my past to help others. He is breaking down the walls and grooming me for it. I feel such a strong pull to women who have been through similar things and a love that I can't really explain. It is powerful. I can see it in some people's faces without ever talking to them. And I know I am right. Now... to get to a point where I can help.