Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Why am I an orphan?

How can I be 25 years old and still feel like an orphan? That is what I keep asking myself over and over. I am a wife and have my own children. Why do I keep trying to fill this parent void? The expectations keep hanging around though. I expect my mom to meet certain standards and for whatever reason she can't. It isn't my fault and in some ways, it isn't even her fault. I wish she would get the help she needs so that we could build some sort of meaningful relationship again. I am putting myself out there I guess by typing this on my public blog huh? Oh well, it hurts and today I am overwhelmed by all the hurt going on in my life right now. I am never going to feel like my bio dad is more than a random friend I met when I was 25 who is nice to my kids. He is trying but how do you let go of all the missed time? How do you forgive all the missed birthdays, basketball games and choir concerts? How do you shake the feelings that if he would have been around things would not have turned out how they did? Why can't I stop caring for someone who hurt me deeply? Why did I unleash all of this and most likely set the wheels in motion to send someone to prison? I did it to protect my kids but the guilt is crazy. I did it to protect my niece and nephew but the regret is sometimes strong. I did it to stop feeling trapped by a secret but some days I hate myself. Why will she never see the hurt she has caused and the pain we carry around every day of our lives? When will she stop being the victim and realize that she is the perpetrator? And why do I just have to accept that this is how it all is and it likely won't change?

Oh yea, if you can't tell... today has been a rough day. I am just having a hard time understanding just about everything in the current firestorm around me. Nothing makes sense. And I hate feeling like I have no control over any of it. But that is how it is. I have no control. I had no clue things would turn out this way or that what I would say would have these consequences. But I am trying to stand firm in my choices. They were the best choices I could make for the people who could not take care of themselves. I am sorry if some people can't understand the choices I have made. I am going to keep making hard choices if it means doing what is right for my boys though. It is my duty and privilege to protect them and sometimes that means making very difficult choices. I hope some day all of this will be worked out and we can forgive and mend some of these relationships. I really do. But if we can't... I am going to keep doing what is best for my family even if that means I lose some people in the process.

I know I am so cryptic but sometimes I just want to get out the feelings with out the nitty gritty. This is my life today. Praying for strength and for an easier tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

He doesn't need me anymore!

Hello, I am around! I promise. It has just been a long couple of weeks for me. Very little sleep, doctors appointments, winter vacations, Christmas, working out...

Anyway, I think this is completely normal but I have been feeling a bit sad lately about how little Super Muscles needs me. The biggest thing that makes me feel this way is that he reads fabulously. Which... that is great! But he literally will not let me read to him anymore. At all. He has even taken to reading books that are for much older kids by himself. It is slow going because he WANTS to understand what is going on. So occasionally he asks me what a word means or how to say it. But for the most part, he wants nothing to do with my help. NOTHING. Actually he really wants to read ME stories all the time. Which is fabulous but I just want my baby to curl up on my lap and let me read to him.  I guess its a good thing I have Slobber Rocket... he still loves letting me read to him. Ah, SM is just growing up way too fast. He does everything on his own and most everything well on his own. He does have one pair of jeans that happens to be pretty difficult to button but he has started buttoning up his own shirts (dress shirts) even. Where did my baby go?

Anyway nothing spectacular or enlightening from me today. But I do want to remember what I thought as my kiddos grew up. Maybe you will get enlightenment from me tomorrow? We will have to see. This not sleeping stuff is sucking the brain out of my head.