Pushing through

I wrote my last post as something that just kind of happened when I sat down to write. I didn't really mean for it to turn out how it did but I think it reminded me of who I want to be. And who I want to be is: not a victim. Some days I think I have accomplished that. Sometimes I feel very confident in myself and my decisions. I feel like I am on the verge of forgiveness or that I have even fully achieved it with some people. Forgiveness of others and some days glimpses of forgiveness to myself. Forgiving myself is a work in progress though. Logically as someone who has been victimized, I don't even NEED to forgive myself. I did nothing wrong. But logic and abuse don't really go hand in hand. Because I hate myself sometimes for not protecting myself or preserving myself.

I took a big step though after I wrote my last post. I went to a very good friend and just got some big stuff out. Shared secrets. And was loved even though I felt positively unlovable. This friend cried with me and gave me some tough but accurate advice. And I made plans to push through. And I am pushing through. Calls to counselors have been made (I have to find a THE right person) and today I am going to use my voice to tell someone about it. Someone I trust and find safe. I am nauseous thinking about it but I am going to do it. I am going to do it in my own voice so I can't detach from the situation (because I definitely felt detached when talking online to my other friend). And I am going to eventually do what is right. I know its vague but... thats what you get today.

And I am okay. I apparently scared some people with a bad morning a few days ago but I am okay. My life is busy and fun so I usually don't even dwell on this stuff but the quietness of my oldest son being gone gave me lots of time to think. And that is when things seem to get hard. Now that he is back, the chaos is filling in the times where I was thinking too much. And I love that about him. He is always going and always playing and always creating joy. But I realize I have to keep myself in check if I want to be a healthy parent for my children and a healthy wife for my husband and a healthy friend for everyone else. So... I am not entering a period of intentional maintenance. I need to stay on top of my mental health because some day it will be very quiet and if I haven't been proactive, that could be a big problem.

Prayer and positive/healing thoughts are always welcome. And as I feel comfortable I will probably write about some things. Writing seems to help and even if only 5 people who I may or may not know very well read it, I feel like it gives power back to me. It feels like my story has an impact.