A sister and what she's taught me

I feel like I always apologize for not writing enough. I have these great plans to write 3-4 times a week and I need to. It helps me focus, gets things off my chest, and it is a non-kid related outlet for me.

The biggest news I have lately is that I spoke with my half-sister on Saturday. It has taken me a while to talk about it though. I enjoyed the conversation and hearing her sweet voice. It was so strange to talk to a girl who is related to me but who I have never met. My sister but all I have is this one hour conversation and a hand full of emails. I have no clue what is going to become of this. I am scared to pursue it and be disappointed and scared to pursue it and actually gain a sister. Both terrify me. We both have so much baggage and I worry that we will, indeed, be complicating one another's lives more than helping.

The conversation confirmed in me that I want to adopt children. D's adoptive parents provided her with a life her parents never could have given her and a life that I did not have the chance to have (not that it is a bad thing but a reflection on our conversation). Her mom and dad adopted her, my half brother and their other sister who were all born addicted to drugs. They also adopted 3 other children and have 3 children. She has a big ole family! Knowing how she became adopted and what her parents must have gone through, they are some very selfless people. And if we could provide a safe family for children that wouldn't otherwise have that... that would be a dream come true for me. I feel more and more pulled to adoption everyday. I feel less and less sad about not having anymore biological children everyday.

I also learned that my feelings about my father are not limited to just me. I always felt alone because I was the only girl in our family. Yes, my brothers felt similar things but a guys relationship with their dad and a girls is quite different so how we internalized what had happened to us has been very different and I have spent a lot of time feeling alone about it. Talking to D showed me that I am not alone in how I feel. She feels the same way and even verbalizes it similarly.

I have a nephew who she put up for adoption. I am proud of her for this. It is SO hard on her and she misses him everyday but I think she did what was absolutely the best for him. And I am confident he will be trying to find her in about 17 years to learn the complete picture of his story. My siblings and I have all been curious and gone back and tried to find information about our family and origin. It is so natural to want to know what happened and if there is more to the story. It is so natural to want to be bonded to your siblings even if you didn't grow up with them. Her son's birthday is right in between my sons and nephews birthdays. Just a couple of days before Jrs. So I have added a February birthday to the mix of celebrations. I will always be praying for this little guy and that he grows into a good man. I am also praying that he meets his mom one day because she loves him very much and did what she thought was best for him.

I have learned that people who are abused often go through a time of really blaming themselves. I have done it, she has done it, many of my friends that I have made recently have done it. There is nothing to blame on yourself when you are a victim of abuse or abandonment. Nothing any of us did makes us deserve these things. It has nothing to do with us. Grab that truth and hold it tight. You didn't do anything to deserve abuse or neglect or abandonment. It seems like once I finally got a real handle on that, I healed a lot. The wounds are still there but they are scabbing over and scarring up and this truth is a big part of that.

I do really look forward to talking to her more. Hopefully it will be less awkward next time that it was on Saturday. We both felt a bit guarded and strange about it all. There is a reason things are happening this way, I know there is.