I did it.

I have been in counseling for four months now working on one goal and one goal alone. Well today, I accomplished that goal. I do have to sit back and wait for the bomb to go off but I did it. I am a nervous wreck. My hair is falling out, my stomach hurts constantly, I can't think, I am nauseous, I am getting lots of headaches and body aches, I can't sleep, eating is difficult (unless its a brownie)... but I did it. And for the next several days I just have to wait. And probably go to the gym a lot to combat some of this anxiety! (but hey, can't complain about a motivator to get to the gym... I have been working out 5-6 times a week the past few weeks because of anxiety). Even if nothing changes with the people involved, I know I did what was right. I am confident in that. I am frail and unsure about everything else in life but I am so convinced this is the only solution that it doesn't matter. Anyway I know I am vague but I also know that many of you have been praying for me or shooting your good thoughts my way. Keep them coming because I have a lot ahead of me but the good (and terrifying) news is that I did it. The rest of it is out of my control and I know I have the right people in place to help me get through this.

In slightly less serious news. I went to the gyno today. Found out I have polycystic ovaries which we pretty much assumed since I have had high androgen levels (male hormones like testosterone) for several years now. But I have been on birth control before and between and and after children so we haven't been able to see the cysts on my ovaries until today. Once I was off the pill for a while my ovaries started producing many cysts instead of one to be ovulated. And we saw that very clearly on the ultrasound today. Basically, I don't ovulate or have a normal cycle... the good news is that I don't need to ovulate since I am not having anymore children anytime soon (if ever, from my own uterus. The plan is adoption). And birth control will regulate my hormones. Thankfully I am finding this out for sure after I have already had 2 beautiful little boys. And to this point I have no insulin resistance or other thyroid issues. So really it is pretty good news as far as an incurable disease goes. I hope this doesn't sound too odd. I do really think that it was pretty good news. I am so thankful knowing what my ovaries look like now that I have two children. I sometimes wonder if things would have gone according to MY plan how that would have all ended up. At any rate... hopefully my body is going to be getting regulated like... yesterday :) My doctor was dressed up in her full Colt's garb today. She has season tix to see the boys play and she wears this to every game she goes to. She definitely got bumped up a few cool notches. Now to figure out how to get her season tix when they can't make a game. *sigh*.

Keep thinking about and praying for me though. The next few days are going to be very difficult... it will be a waiting game. Followed by reactions. So I need lots of encouragement, support and prayers for the next little while. But... I did it.

Some Goals

Recently I have been trying to think of some things I would like to accomplish. I think having goals focuses your life in a way where you can improve. And, I think one of the main purposes in life is to improve over time. To learn new lessons, to live better, to love better... to improve. So here are some ways that I wish to improve over the next several months:

1) Spend less time on the computer. I think by doing this my house will be cleaner ;) I am really good about not ignoring my children but I ignore housework in favor of the computer often.
2) Continue making healthier choices about food. I have recently gotten rid of all caffeine in my diet and am now working on getting rid of that last bit of soda I drink (maybe 1 caffeine free, clear soda a week). I would like to focus on arranging our budget to where I can purchase more fresh fruits and vegetables and also really start training myself to like healthier foods. I did not grow up eating how I would like to eat so I have a lot of old habits to break.
3) Lose 15 more lbs. This will include continuing to work out (adding some gym time) and being strict about what I eat, when I eat and why I eat.
4) Remodel bathroom... this is a big goal for me because it is something that could really increase the value of our home when we sell in a few years. Ultimately I would like to do everything with the help of friends except the plumbing (we need some pretty extensive reworking of the plumbing in the tub).
5) Get a dSLR and learn about photography. Hopefully take a class locally.

So that is it... those are the goals I plan to focus on over the next several mos. At least 6 mos. Keep me honest and ask me how I am doing sometime.