Dad, I'm hungry!

So my Super Muscles is a thinker. He really is. He definitely contemplates what to say and how to say it and he is kind of... dramatic.

So Mr. Wonderful admitted to me this morning that he was being rather lazy and still lazing around in bed at 7:30. The boys were in their bedroom. I am sure SM was playing and the toddler was in his bed talking and such. And I guess Super Muscles tummy started grumbling and talking to him because he yelled to his father...
"DAD! People will die if they don't eat... but they won't die if they get a pop tart"... NICE.

So... Dad got up and got them some food so that the small people in our house wouldn't die. I was out on my Friday morning adventure so didn't get to hear this gem with my own ears. I do get a little sad when I miss the hilarious things my boys says. Maybe next time!

Cute kids in costumes :)

And a cute daddy with his adorable blonde haired look alike. <3 this man and all the ways he takes care of us.

Figuring it all out and preschool

Figuring out who you are or who you want to be is tough. Acting perfect doesn't work and neither does acting how you feel. Both of them alienate me to the point of feeling like no one really wants to get to know me. It is like you have to balance a good persona with the true, harsh realities of life. You gotta let the good show and hints of the tough but not too much of either. No one wants to be around someone who brags or talks too much about themselves and no one wants to be around a downer either. But I live in a world between euphoria and depression and anger. When things are good for me... I can think of a lot of good and it is so easy to talk about. When things are bad, I don't talk much because no one really seems too interested in my deep dark secrets and issues... and who wants to be dragged into my hole with me? There is rarely middle ground lately. Where my head is clear enough to exist in this funk while acknowledging the good at the same time.

Not to say I can't name off all the good things in my life or how blessed I am. I can. But my mind has issues existing in two places at once. I am intently focused on a goal. It has incredible moral implications for me and really huge consequences and I have been completely occupied much of the time by it. My counselor says I need to schedule it in. Ha. That makes me giggle because I am very schedule oriented so in theory it seems like a great idea. I hate being late. I like knowing exactly how my day will go. Feeling rushed makes me anxious. Being late makes me miserable. But the idea of giving these thoughts a beginning and an end seems too hard. They just consume me sometimes... for hours and hours. Or even days. It is the whole anxiety thing. Preoccupied with massive and overwhelming thoughts and fears. I still take care of my kids and kiss on them and play with them.They deserve that. I realize they deserve it. But... I am not giving them all of me. I am so split with them. Trying to act okay when I am not okay. And trying to figure out if some balance actually exists where I can be me in the good and bad and still form solid relationships that have meaning and depth.

I guess the ultimate goal would be... balance. I think that is one over arching theme in life. Balance in all things. Balancing my past with my present and future. Letting it teach me and learning to release things that I can't carry healthily into the future with me. Sometimes it seems as if those things define me in many ways but I don't want them to. But I also want to feel comfortable being myself even if it isn't always pretty. I am not talking about being a bad person... sheesh I am not very articulate this evening. At any rate, life is confusing me a bit right now and I just don't really know how to go about handling it.

My Super Muscles starts preschool next week. I am very anxious about it. His teachers are very sweet and kind. He has 3 teachers in his room and I think they said 14 kids will start on Tuesday. They can enroll up to 20 in the room so the ratio is pretty good. I think he will love it. I, however, will be letting Daddy take the boy to his first day of school while attending a counseling session. If I leave this up to me to do, it could turn out badly. So I am not doing that. I have to step back and not sabotage things for my big boy. I am having a lot of anxiety about this and I could very easily see myself not taking him. Or not wanting to leave my house. Or taking him and having a panic attack when I get outside. I am thankful that MW is willing to help me with this. My counselor also thinks this is a good plan for his first day. Hopefully when I pick him up he will be so excited! And ultimately this will be a good thing. I know if I can just get through it, it will be great. It is just the whole trusting people I don't know well to take care of my son for a big part of the day... thing. He will love it. It will be good for both of us. I just have to keep convincing myself those things are true.

Super Muscles Reads!

Here is my sweet boy reading a story!

Tender Moments

"Hey Buddy, will you always hug me? Even when you are 10 years old?"
"Yea Mama, even when I am 10 years old"
"And when you are 12, will you still hug me then too?"
"Yea Mama, I will even hug you when I am big and strong like Daddy."

And we snuggled into the couch. Me with my feverish 4 year old nestled into my arm and him with his arm hugging me close. "Mama, I can go to sleep now because I am safe." "Yea Baby, you can go to sleep now. Please rest so you can wake up feeling better."

A big warm blanket over us and I just listened to him breathe. His warm, soft breath tickled my neck a little. And he squirmed like he always has as he tried to get comfortable and find rest. I stroked his face like I used to do all the time when he was much smaller. My fingers fell familiarly over his forehead and down his cheek and his eyes eventually got heavy like they used to when I would stroke his face and hair.

His big blue eyes began to close and right before he drifted off to sleep "I love you." "I love you too Big Guy".

And I just laid there with him and prayed over him and soaked in the moment. So thankful for his tender heart and kind soul and for the lessons he teaches me every day. Inhaling the smell of the shampoo on his soft brown hair and the warmth of his skin on my cheek. And wondering if he will ever even remember that he promised to still hug me when he is 10.

Even if he doesn't remember, I will always cherish the time I spent cuddling him on the couch so he could safely go to sleep. He is a sweet sweet blessing to me.

Spattering of pictures of small children for my momma

Ah, now on to an introduction of the famed Super Muscles

I was 19 when I became pregnant with my little SM. We found out the big and scary news very shortly after our first anniversary. Oh yea, we got married at 18 and 19, we are cool like that. Anyway, we had no intention of having children before we graduated college. In fact, it was pretty frightening. But, that was when the adventure began. I had a pretty normal pregnancy I guess. I had preterm labor at 32 weeks with him (but we didn't know he was a him because we waited until he was born to find out... fun times!) and was on bedrest for quite a while until eventually I had a healthy, slightly small, full term baby.

There is no greater memory I have in life than when he was placed on my chest for the first time. MW right by my side and beaming with pride and SM trying to snuggle in and nurse right away. My whole life changed with the birth of that little boy. I know everyone says the same stuff right? But, there was just a monumental priority shift. There was a little life that relied solely on me and MW. Not only that, but we were YOUNG (both 20 when he was born) parents and we had a lot of odds to beat and we had to crush some stereotypes in order to raise our son. It was daunting and amazing at the same time.

From there life pretty much became about meeting the needs of a new human. Figuring out what makes him tick. His strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. And is one cool kid, I must say!

So, here is Super Muscles in all his glory.

He is generally a typical three year old that reminds me of his daddy nearly 100% of the time. He is SMART. He has a memory that freaks me out. He is a walking commercial and we don't watch hardly any tv at all. He knows cars by make because he memorizes commercials then recognizes their symbol (thats because there are a ton of car commercials on during sports). We drive down the road and he says "Mom, that is a Toyota. SAVE BY ZERO!!!"

He uses huge words appropriately thanks to his dad. He knows what a buckminsterfullerene molecule looks like and tells us that "the dog is obnoxious".

He doesn't like to try new things. He sits backs and waits until he has conquered it in his mind before he does it. Then, he can do it well on the first try (usually). He prefers playing by himself and I have to prompt him to play with others. I am not sure if he is shy or if he just likes playing by himself. He is incredibly kind to other children and talks to them just fine but won't play with them. Sometimes I worry and obsess about it but MW, was, apparently the same way.

He loves all things "CARS". He plays with his Lightning McQueens and Mac Truck more than any other toys he has. He would pee himself if I could find a bigger mater for him but I am too cheap. Sorry bud.

He doesn't like potatoes... weird right? He loves yogurt though and cheese and peanutbutter sandwiches. When we go to McDonalds he gets nuggets and a fruit and yogurt parfait because he generally won't touch fries (he is missing out!)

He isn't very cuddly but he does love his Mama. He is a total Mama's boy at this point and I will be sad to see that phase slowly grind to a halt but I secretly hope it never does.

And he is pretty much the best big brother ever to the little man. He loves is baby brother so much and takes good care of him. He is a very caring and compassionate child.

As usual, there is much much more to my little, er... big Super Muscles but I just don't have a lifetime to devote to writing about him. I have to feed him and stuff too :) But I am one blessed Mama to have such a child in my life.