Will you let me drown?

In your ocean I'm ankle deep,
I feel the waves crashing on my feet;
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out,
I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide washes over me,
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown?
Will you let me drown?

And the water is rising quick,
And for years I was scared of it.
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side,
No, I can't leave your side

Hey now this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
Cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful


I have been finding a lot of comfort in music lately and this is one my favorite songs. It is called "Something Beautiful" by NeedToBreathe. Obviously this is only part of the song but these words are the ones that have been speaking a lot to my heart. The lyrics are so real to me. I know exactly where I need to be, where it is healthy to be and even where it is right to be but I am scared to death. I feel like I might drown but I won't know until I just let go. I won't know until I test my faith. I won't know until I am sinking or swimming. I won't know until I reclaim my voice. And I am terrified. Even though I am making strides, I am feeling even less confident in what I know needs to be done. I am feeling stressed and agitated and just plain scared.

I am not sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side

Trusting, experiencing. Please don't let me drown.

Pushing through

I wrote my last post as something that just kind of happened when I sat down to write. I didn't really mean for it to turn out how it did but I think it reminded me of who I want to be. And who I want to be is: not a victim. Some days I think I have accomplished that. Sometimes I feel very confident in myself and my decisions. I feel like I am on the verge of forgiveness or that I have even fully achieved it with some people. Forgiveness of others and some days glimpses of forgiveness to myself. Forgiving myself is a work in progress though. Logically as someone who has been victimized, I don't even NEED to forgive myself. I did nothing wrong. But logic and abuse don't really go hand in hand. Because I hate myself sometimes for not protecting myself or preserving myself.

I took a big step though after I wrote my last post. I went to a very good friend and just got some big stuff out. Shared secrets. And was loved even though I felt positively unlovable. This friend cried with me and gave me some tough but accurate advice. And I made plans to push through. And I am pushing through. Calls to counselors have been made (I have to find a THE right person) and today I am going to use my voice to tell someone about it. Someone I trust and find safe. I am nauseous thinking about it but I am going to do it. I am going to do it in my own voice so I can't detach from the situation (because I definitely felt detached when talking online to my other friend). And I am going to eventually do what is right. I know its vague but... thats what you get today.

And I am okay. I apparently scared some people with a bad morning a few days ago but I am okay. My life is busy and fun so I usually don't even dwell on this stuff but the quietness of my oldest son being gone gave me lots of time to think. And that is when things seem to get hard. Now that he is back, the chaos is filling in the times where I was thinking too much. And I love that about him. He is always going and always playing and always creating joy. But I realize I have to keep myself in check if I want to be a healthy parent for my children and a healthy wife for my husband and a healthy friend for everyone else. So... I am not entering a period of intentional maintenance. I need to stay on top of my mental health because some day it will be very quiet and if I haven't been proactive, that could be a big problem.

Prayer and positive/healing thoughts are always welcome. And as I feel comfortable I will probably write about some things. Writing seems to help and even if only 5 people who I may or may not know very well read it, I feel like it gives power back to me. It feels like my story has an impact.

Achieving Happiness

I am very confused oftentimes by what people think will make them happy. The perfect job, the right girl or guy, a great sex or party life, the "right" degree... the list goes on and on and on. If I just had a bigger house, or better stuff, or more money my life would be better. But life doesn't work like that. People are not happy based on what they achieve or how others make them feel. Happiness is intrinsic. If you can't find happiness with or without the perfect life, you aren't going to find it. Because no one can attain a perfect life and even if it feels nearly perfect, it only takes one disaster for things to crumble. If you aren't happy before you get the best car out there or the hottest guy out there or the best education out there... why do you think you will be happy after that? I mean... sure... achieving a goal can enhance your life but if you weren't genuinely happy before, the novelty of that goal will soon wear off.

We all know people (or we may be this person) who are SO excited about their accomplishments for a while. They have the best girlfriend EVER. Or the best job EVER. And you hear all about it from them too.  But then they find themselves unhappy 2 months down the road... is it that their girlfriend is the devil or their job totally stinks? They don't stop and think that maybe the great girlfriend just covered up the misery for a while with the newness of an on fire romance. Or that the job still has great potential but it is an easy target to blame your anger on. These same people are the ones who constantly compare their lives to others thinking that if they look good enough or better than others, they will feel better. And maybe they do in the moment? Or maybe these people don't one up everyone but berate themselves for not being AS good as everyone else. But I feel like these people are missing the big blinking sign. Something that seems so blatantly obvious to me: If you are happy and I mean genuinely happy, you don't need the best and you don't need to be the best. You can have what you have and feel blessed. You can be who you are and feel loved.

I just wish some people who I really care about could just let go of all of their anger and stop blaming all the bad on all the situations in their life. For most, it isn't that they keep falling upon bad luck! It is simply that they are not happy and are expecting things and people to rectify that. But that doesn't work and it won't ever work. Bad stuff happens to everyone (granted some select people get their unfair share of the crap). But if you can't forgive and let go, that bad stuff is going to run your life. And no amount of great achievement will heal the pain or make you happy. This is not coming from someone with a rosy life either. I have had to learn this lesson the hard way and there was a lot of suffering, a lot of growing up, a lot of counseling to get me to the point where I can look at my life in most situations and be happy and content. This is me being honest... I used to be a very angry and bitter person. I am thankful that most of the people I know today did not know me then. I just did not react well to my past for pretty much all of my teenage years and sometimes I still struggle with some of that stuff and even intensely at times. And I also blamed my unhappiness on my past and on many other things. But thankfully I have been able to let go of a lot of the anger and have learned that I have value and am not to blame for much of what has happened to me. No, I don't have it all figured out. I suffer from times of very extreme anxiety. I see a doctor routinely to make sure I am doing well. I could probably use counseling because I have lots of issues from my past to sort out. Even some of my past that is resurfacing because of varying situations I am going through right now. But I am a much more stable person for learning these lessons. The past can rule your life or... it can make you a more empathetic and loving person. In many ways it is up to us to decide what we let it do. Allowing it make us a better person takes a lot of work. And the work is never over. It is daily maintenance to beat down the demons that some of us face. But it is worth it to find contentment in life.

This post is nothing like what I set out to write but I guess that is okay. If anyone would like to speak to me more in depth about anything I have written about, you can leave your email address in the comments or get in touch with me (my email address is in my profile). I would love to discuss anything related to overcoming a hard childhood, abuse, counseling, or depression and anxiety. I would never ever betray someones trust with something so delicate and personal just so you know. And if you don't want to talk to me (because you know me too well or you have not really dealt with some of these heavy things before), I definitely encourage you to find a counselor you can trust. I had a counselor in college along with a few friends (one who I now call my husband) who literally stopped me from spiraling completely out of control.

Banana Ice Cream

So I found this recipe through a friend for banana ice cream and it turned out really well. I don't let my boys have a ton of sweets so this satisfies the "ice cream" craving with none of the sugar or added ingredients that are normally found in "Ice cream". That is because it is not really ice cream... it just turns into an ice cream consistency. It has been kid tested in my house and the toddler did a happy dance while he ate it and the big preschooler told me that he "loved banana ice cream".

Banana Ice Cream (2 servings) (this is what my recipe is based on... credit where credit is due and all)
2 Frozen Bananas (110 cals/pc)
Coconut milk (100 cals)
and various other fillers (peanut butter, avocado (calories... nom nom), honey

Total Cals: 160+ added fillers/per serving

I froze the bananas in their peel so they wouldn't turn brown. If you do this, you will need to let them defrost for about 10 minutes before they can be peeled.

Freeze your bananas, put chunks of frozen bananas into the blender, add coconut milk (or whatever thinner you'd like, or no thinner), and blend blend blend.
Like magic your frozen bananas will turn into a treat that is ice cream consistency. Once you get it a good consistency add whatever else you would like to it. And that is it! So easy and it really does meet the ice cream standards of my children (not guaranteeing this result, just reporting my results!). 

I do not like bananas and did not try this myself but I felt good giving my kids this treat. Let me know if you try it and how your children like it!

It is all about the fat

Really, my life is consumed by fat. Not because I like focusing on every morsel of food that goes into my kids mouth but because that is what life has been forcing me into lately. Near 16 mos old and still not 18 lbs. That is my Slobber Rocket. A peanut.  I keep taking him for weight checks and doctors keep telling me he is too small and to put him on sugar laced nutrition drinks and take him off of wonderful fattening breast milk (minus the sugar and side effects and health effects that go with too much). So in an effort to keep my otherwise healthy child off of these nutrition drinks (please, if your child had a known medical condition and can not otherwise gain weight, use these drinks per your doctors instructions... I just don't think they should be a first choice for a child whom doctors believe to be generally healthy). The babe does have some sensory problems with food so I also don't want to replace eaten calories with liquid calories if I don't have to since he desperately needs to be learning to eat a wide array of solids. So, I am diving into a world of healthy fats to add calories to his diet. And lucky you! I am going to be posting some of my favorite recipes here and there that I am using with him. These are also good if your child maybe has just had a very slim eating day and you just don't feel like they have gotten enough. Both Avocado and Coconut milk have a wide array of health benefits!

YoBaby Yogurt and Avocado
1 container of YoBaby yogurt/ or other whole milk yogurt (110 calories)
1/2 avocado (about 135 cals)

You can dice the avocado and put it in the yogurt. Your baby will probably gobble it up. My toddler, however, has some mega texture issues so I put them in the blender and make it completely smooth, thickening as he tolerates. close to 250 calories for a snack... not bad.

Oatmeal made with coconut milk
1 packet or serving of oatmeal (160 cals for what I generally use)
1/3 cup of coconut milk (184ish cals)
1/4 cup milk to thin it... coconut milk is VERY thick (31 cals)

I just add it together and nuke it. If it seems to thick I add milk. You can add other thinners such as water but my goal is to get calories into the little guy with as little sugar as possible. This dish packs a whopping 375 calories per bowl. Slobber Rocket seems to really enjoy it too. He can't eat a whole bowl but neither could I if I tried. If your kid has a nut allergy you may want to be aware that the FDA classifies this as a tree nut so please use caution!



If you have other recipes, feel free to share them. I will post up more ideas as I get them.

Causes I am passionate about #1: Food

I have decided that in an effort to write more often I am going to start a mini-series of blogs about causes I am passionate about. I have ideas for quite a few I can write about so hopefully this will be fun and informative for people. Mostly this will be my opinion and experience mixed with a bit of research I have done on the subject but I am not an expert on much so you just gotta take it or leave it ;)

So... why am I passionate about food? Well, I am passionate about food because we have it all wrong and it is killing the next generation of people in our country. Well, not just that... it has been killing me for a long time and it is taking a lot of work for me to control this food thing so I can teach my children how to be healthy people.

I grew up in a home with a single, working mom or a mom and a step dad who both worked full time for all of my childhood. My mom never really cooked. She certainly didn't cook anything fresh. There was no time, there was no money, and there was really no need. She bought what she could afford and fixed what we would eat so we had full tummies. She did her best. And I grew up preferring the tastes of processed food. Food from boxes and bags and microwavable cartons. And the same thing was going on at school. Quick fix food. Heat and serve, a la carte, and sodas and I liked it. Of course I liked it. Sugar tastes good. And when I got married, I cooked how I knew how to cook. I tried to incorporate fresh foods as we could afford them because I knew that how we were eating wasn't the best for us but we were poor college kids working part time jobs and going to school full time.

But what got me really excited about nutrition and trying to learn to eat better was finding out I was pregnant. I had a tiny little life depending on me for good, wholesome nutrition. And basically since then I have been trying to figure out how to feed my family more healthy meals. It has been a long journey and there are lots of road blocks (mostly money and the fact that food that is horrible for you is priced for the poor... cheaper and more food in the package) but I am making an honest effort for all of the people I love and for myself.

Why is this a cause? Well, there are many reasons I find food a "cause". I briefly mentioned one reason above: Poor people are often times forced into eating unhealthy food because of their financial situation (Cost of 200 Calories, Healthy too expensive, those are just 2 of tons of resources you can find online about this). Fresh food is expensive. Lean meats (if you eat meat) is expensive. Non meat food that is nutritious but not produce, is expensive. I find this very unfortunate (and some days even criminal). I don't want our nations poorest people subject to eating the worst food we have to offer just because they are poor. I find that heart wrenching.

I also find the foods we serve to children in schools to be positively horrible for the most part. It is generally nothing more than fast food served to children at school. If we are truly concerned about the health of our nation, we (as parents, doctors, teachers, and citizens) need to step up and teach children about nutrition and serve them food that is good for them. And in my opinion, the best place to start is school. Sure I can feed my own children mostly healthy food at home. I can limit sugar and serve veggies and fruits and lean meat. I can cook with EVOO and not fry anything or add salt to anything but really the problem is much bigger than just my kids. And while I desperately want my own children to be healthy and to learn good eating habits, I also want all of the children in our country to be educated about food and nutrition. There are SO many children in our country who will only learn about how to take care of their bodies if it is taught in school. Maybe to some that sounds a bit far fetched but I know it isn't. There are so many single parents out there who literally rush their kids off to school, work all day, pick their kids up at 6 from after school child care, get them home, pop food into the microwave, get their kids quickly bathed and to bed and go to bed themselves to get up and do it all again. I know because that describes the family I grew up in.

One of the biggest problems I have with school lunch is that the processed food is subsidized by the government which literally backs schools into a corner because without subsidies they can't afford to run the school lunch program. So essentially our government is forcing schools into serving processed "fast food" to children. Also, many schools get additional money for various programs through vending machines and a la carte items so getting those removed can be a bit of a pain in the neck since so many states are having huge budget problems. Funding for schools is a whole other issue for a different day though I guess.

There are some very cool movements going on right now to try to convince our government to change how we do school food. Jamie Oliver's campaign is called "Food Revolution" and you should check it out and sign his petition if you feel like what he wants to do is what is best for our kids (what he wants to do is serve our children fresh cooked, healthy foods for school breakfast and lunch every day and eliminate unhealthy choices from the menu). Jamie Oliver is doing a fabulous job bringing the obesity crisis to the forefront and is really succeeding in challenging this country to think about the consequences of the food we are feeding our children. He is getting the message out there that for the first time in MANY generations our children have a shorter life expectancy than we do (by about 10 years) and that the leading causes of death in the United States are diet related.

Here is Jamie Oliver's Ted talk that he did not long ago if you some spare time to watch it.

There is also a cool blog that I follow called "Fed up with lunch: the school lunch project" where an anonymous teacher is eating lunch from the school cafeteria every day in 2010. She is then posting pictures of the lunch and spurring on discussion about the whole subject. She also has a lot of very cool guest bloggers. Then you have The Renegade Lunch Lady who basically rocks my socks off.

I could go on and on about food. It is important that as parents (if you are one I suppose), we learn to eat well ourselves and we show our children what a healthy diet looks like. I admit, this is hard for me. How I grew up and money seem to get in the way of my intentions sometimes but when you look at the facts, the way we eat in the US (many of us anyway) is killing us. But this isn't only about parents, if you are a concerned citizen you can help change school lunches and we can start to make a dent in how food is looked at in our country. School lunch is only a small part of it but I strongly believe that if we feed our children well at school and teach them about nutrition at school, it will begin a change in how our country eats and what we eat. And it will give kids a better start and better habits than many of us got. Especially if you have children, this school lunch thing is a big deal. Your kids will be in school soon if they aren't already (excluding those who have home schooled children obviously) so if you feel passionately about these things like I do, find a way to help. Write your representatives, go to The Renegade Lunch Lady's site and check out her recommendations for spurring change, get your kids involved if you can. The more people who care and who stand up for better food for these kids, the better their lives will be.

He is still a peanut

I took the boys to the pediatrician today for well visits. Super Muscles had a "late" 4 year visit and Slobber Rocket had a 15 month visit.

Super Muscles was horrible. Like... really, he was bad. I have never in my life seen him behave so horrible for anyone. He hated the blood pressure cuff, refused the hearing test, didn't enjoy the vision test. Then he was mean to his brother pretty much the whole time I was discussing some important things with the doctor. We were interrupted by him at least 50 times. I really wasn't all that amused. Then she tried to look at him and it was an absolute no go. Screaming, thrashing, freaking out. Wouldn't let her shine light into his eyes, wouldn't let her look in his ears or his mouth, wouldn't sit on my lap. I had to drag him out from under the couch and put him on my lap and lay him down for her. She ended up checking his mouth after his belly because... he was screaming and that meant his mouth was wide open. I had to hold him down for ears too. Ugh, she must have thought I have no control over him ever. Seriously, he was THAT bad. THEN he had to get 3 shots. Well he didn't HAVE to but I figured why not get them out of the way. So I told him he was going to get 3 pokes before the nurses got in there and he hid some more under the couch. Thankfully 2 nurses came in and they each attacked an arm at the same time. But that didn't stop the screams. My ears were on fire. But he is healthy! lol. We are going to start him on some zyrtec and see if it helps his seasonal allergies before doing anything complicated about that. Since then, hes been in a mega crappy mood and is complaining a lot about his arms hurting and how nothing will ever make them feel better. Good times to come, I am sure.

Slobber Rocket was much more pleasant. He is still tiny tiny. He has gained a few ounces but he is still well, well below the charts for weight (like .002% is what she said) and his isn't getting much taller either. His height is sitting right at 28.5 inches which is under the 2nd%. He is developmentally very perfect though and his brain is growing well. So we are going to see about arranging regular feeding help for him to see if we can increase his solids. She saw my points on why I dislike pediasure and was very supportive of me continuing to nurse him but at the same time she, like everyone else, doesn't think supplementing with pediasure is a bad idea. I think I will hold off on that though. 18-23 g of sugar per serving is not something I can swallow unless I have to. Also he is not transitioning to solids and I don't think putting so many liquid calories in his diet is beneficial considering he still really needs to learn to eat. I am hoping speech therapy or maybe some OT will be helpful. His height and weight are more typical for a baby that is 6+ months younger than he is so it is very bothersome but I have a real problem sacrificing my beliefs on healthy eating. Plus, this is not just a weight issue. He is not growing in length much at all either. She is going to call some colleagues about him and see if there is anything we might be missing and check on some growth issues. I really liked her she was very willing to admit that growth problems are not an area she has a lot of knowledge in but that she would research it and talk to some other doctors who know more and let me know. He does need to go back in a month or so to be weighed and measured again. But, as far as his health, he seems pretty healthy. Learning normally, his head is on a growth curve! 1 for 3 :) So that means his brain is growing normally or at least, that is the word on the street. So now I just wait to see if there are any new ideas out there that don't involve telling me I don't feed my kid enough (did that sound bitter?... it was, but only a little).

It does get a little frustrating to hear people tell me to make him hungry enough and eventually he will eat. Right... maybe most kids but not this kid. It is so stressful most of the time to feed him that I want to cry. He refuses to eat 99% of food he is offered. His go to items are cracker like foods and yogurt... um, that is about it. He will eat mac n cheese on a good day and sometimes he will touch fruit with his fingers and I cheer. Decreasing nursing has only meant he gets fewer calories in a day because his solid intake is not increasing. And just as much as I can't feed him 60g of sugar a day from pediasure, I can't feed him grains and yogurt all day either. Although, admittedly, I feel better about grains and yogurt because at least he is working on chewing and/or swallowing not just drinking. Anyway that is enough for today. I guess I will update when the doctor calls me back regarding speech therapy and any other info she gathers up.