Perspective: Own verses others

One thing I am learning right now is that people need people. It is amazing as I open up about myself some of the people who have contacted me or who I have just had a sense about who say "you know, I feel like you might understand this". I had one such conversation like this recently. I think I may have helped my friend a bit but she also helped me see something kind of eye opening.

She was explaining a situation that happened to her and as she explained it she minimized what happened to her by the words she chose to use. When I asked her what she would think if the same thing happened to her (future) teenager daughter... well then it would have a much harsher definition and a very concrete outline of an appropriate punishment. And as I listened to this sweet woman tell her story, my heart broke in half for her. I was angry, I was pissed, I wanted to hurt some people in the situation who had the opportunity to make it easier on her and refused to do so. I could see some of the things that I thought would help her. Obviously with any healing the steps you have to take are steps that must be taken in your own time. But my heart seriously burned with empathy. When I spoke to another friend about some of my own stuff she said something along the lines of she just doesn't understand how I have sympathy (or some skewed version of such a thing) for my abuser because SHE wants to punish this person herself. And I knew I understood exactly what my friend was doing when she minimized the situation.

I get it. I have the same problem. I have done this for a long time. Until recently I have been ignoring the past. Truth is I have been in counseling before and I even ignored my past then focusing mainly on trying to get my anxiety under control without really digging into the hard stuff or the roots of some of the anxiety. That was too freaking scary! Too hard to admit. Suppressing it to the point that everything about myself had become numb to avoid pain. Even as I acknowledge it now I sugar coat what happened and I even talk about it like I am talking about it happening to someone else. I have a lot of issues actually attaching the story to myself. Abuse is easy to say as far as abstract descriptors go. Abuse can mean anything really. It can mean your mom yelled at you a lot. It can mean your dad called you stupid. It can mean you were physically assaulted frequently and hid under your bed when you got into trouble. *sigh* It can mean so many different things but it feels easier to say and leave it up to other peoples imaginations or interpretations with the hope that they will chose the easier things to think and not feel bad for you. Or to just admit that other people have had it worse so your own trauma is not THAT bad. Adding the adjective in front of the word is a whole other demon. Physically abused, sexually abused, verbally abused, emotionally abused... they all add gravity to what one has experienced and often times the one who has experienced them doesn't want to own the gravity because that is hard. Admitting to yourself that you were violated and how... wow. And giving it the proper assessment is even more difficult. I can see how my friend was violated and how badly she hurts and I feel that in many ways more than I feel my own hurt.

And this is where perspective comes in I guess. Trauma shifts the perspective you have of yourself. Whether you are detaching from what happened to protect yourself or grew up thinking it was normal for you and you deserved it or had other people minimize what happened so you tried to follow suit. Ah, there are so many reasons people can not see their own abuse in the same light that they see others' in. But the important part of the conversation for me was the realization that I have to care for myself and love myself like I care for and love other victims. I have to embrace the love of God for myself as much as I encourage others to. I have to realize that if I believe God sees their pain then I have believe he sees my pain just as intensely. If I believe they deserve healing and rest then I need to believe I deserve the same. I have to think myself worthy of the same respect I feel she deserves. Now from head knowledge to heart knowledge... like usual.

Something about being real

For a long time I have been trying to figure out what my blog was for or about. Sure, it is about my life as a mom and as a wife. It is about 2 cute little boys and their crazy adventures. It is about grad school and getting to the other side. But lately I have felt the need to be more transparent with some of my struggles because I am beginning to see that everyone needs someone to relate to.

I can't sleep right now. This is pretty normal for me. I spend most of my late nights laying in my bed staring straight up at the ceiling BEGGING my mind to shut up so I can sleep. OR I get up and peck around on my computer. I journal pretty much every night to just get the thoughts out. I have been like this ever since I can remember. I worry incessantly about everything. I walk around fearing what people are thinking about me and my stomach hurts about 90% of the time. I have trouble going to new places. I have issues meeting new people. I have anxiety. Bad anxiety. It is pretty common for people who were abused as children to have anxiety both as children and as adults. There are some studies that suggest that how our brains have been physically altered by abuse. This affects things like memory but also how we communicate with people. Sometimes reading emotion that isn't there because we are so used to trying to figure out how to keep ourselves safe. This has been a very big struggle for me since I was very young. It picked up in high school and through a bit of college then kind of settled down until I had children. Since having my two sweet boys, I have found new ways to become anxious. Much of the time my mind is completely occupied with how to keep my children safe.

And I wish it were as simple as realizing my thoughts weren't rational. If it were that simple, I could totally feel better. But it is very complicated. Sometimes I need to be medicated for this. It is what it is. If you don't sleep you can't function and if you lay in bed until 2 or 3 every morning and your children get up at 6:30... you have to figure out a way to give your body a rest. If you can't take your kids out of the house because you have too much anxiety to do normal things that parents should do with their children... it is tough. I feel like I have a grasp on what is going on buy I am powerless to change it.

And this is where I am today... working on figuring out what needs to be done so that I can function best for my family. Working every day to try and free myself from the past. Trying to figure out appropriate and healthy boundaries for people. And sometimes I feel sorry for myself. There is a lot more to it than just anxiety. I have some other issues that overlap and feed my anxiety. So I am in counseling and trying to get my mind and my body to kind of work together instead of against each other. I am exercising. Trying to eat better. And trying to take care of my mind. Getting the medical care I need in addition to these things. I feel like I am making the right steps. I just have to keep making good choices and trust that it will all work out to a healthy woman at some point.

Counseling is hard though. Taking care of yourself is hard. There are so many other things I feel an obligation to. But when I think about it, none of it much matters if I am not taking care of myself because I can't give to them if I am feeling crummy. I can't invest in relationships if i can't trust. I can't allow my children freedom if I try to micromanage their lives because of my own fear. I can't be the wife my husband needs if I can't learn to cope with past abuse without projecting things onto him... things he has never done and will never do.

Anyway, I just wanted to let some of the people who read my blog know they are not alone. I added a new link to the side of my blog for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Its a pretty useful site. If you have PTSD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder (or other anxiety disorders), don't be afraid to get help. They seem to be things people think they can will themselves through and that is not always the case. I know my biggest motivation is and has always been to end the cycle of abuse so that my children never grow up with the experiences I had. THEY deserve so much more. *I* deserved so much more. *YOU* deserve so much more.

-as a note... some of this was written last night well well past my bedtime and some was written this afternoon when I was thinking a bit more clearly and not just rambling.

Will you let me drown?

In your ocean I'm ankle deep,
I feel the waves crashing on my feet;
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out,
I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide washes over me,
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown?
Will you let me drown?

And the water is rising quick,
And for years I was scared of it.
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side,
No, I can't leave your side

Hey now this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
Cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful


I have been finding a lot of comfort in music lately and this is one my favorite songs. It is called "Something Beautiful" by NeedToBreathe. Obviously this is only part of the song but these words are the ones that have been speaking a lot to my heart. The lyrics are so real to me. I know exactly where I need to be, where it is healthy to be and even where it is right to be but I am scared to death. I feel like I might drown but I won't know until I just let go. I won't know until I test my faith. I won't know until I am sinking or swimming. I won't know until I reclaim my voice. And I am terrified. Even though I am making strides, I am feeling even less confident in what I know needs to be done. I am feeling stressed and agitated and just plain scared.

I am not sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side

Trusting, experiencing. Please don't let me drown.