Words, words, words

Now for something not quite as deep from me. I know, I have been serious huh? Well, that is life for me right now... kind of serious. BUT I have a whole lot of cuteness in my house so I will shift to my 18 month old blonde haired delicious Slobber Rocket.

He is a chatty little boy! His older brother did not hardly say a word until 2 years old. When he finally started talking it was like he had done it his whole life. But, many people were a bit worried that my oldest child had some issues with language before he finally started talking. Slobber Rocket, however, surprises people constantly with his verbal skills. You may doubt his age by looking at his tiny cute little self but when he opens his mouth... I get people saying "there is NO way he is as young as he looks". And they are right! ha.

What is this little crazy boy learning to say lately?

On top of many many words (100+ I would guess) he has started saying lots of phrases and short sentences.
"Go away Jadey!" talking to the dog. The boy knows what he wants
"I wanna eat"
"I want down"
"SIT DOWN Jade"
"I want donee" (that would be a donut)
"I see you"
"I gotta bat!"
"I throw ball!"
"Dink meeeeeeese" or... drink please
"Take a bath"
"SHOO WEE I tink" when I am changing his diaper and... he does, trust me.
"go outside"
"hot, hot, hot" when I put him into his car seat or when his food is too hot to eat (he is NOT a fan of hot food)

and my favorite "I lu you"

Sweet boy, Mama loves you too. I love watching you learn and develop. I love playing games with you and chasing you all over the house. I love your hugs and nursing you down to bed. I love your adventurous nature and when you sing in the car. I love the way you hug your brother and give him kisses and when you curl up on your daddy's lap. Little boy, you make big impact on our lives. I am so thankful for you.

Perspective: Own verses others

One thing I am learning right now is that people need people. It is amazing as I open up about myself some of the people who have contacted me or who I have just had a sense about who say "you know, I feel like you might understand this". I had one such conversation like this recently. I think I may have helped my friend a bit but she also helped me see something kind of eye opening.

She was explaining a situation that happened to her and as she explained it she minimized what happened to her by the words she chose to use. When I asked her what she would think if the same thing happened to her (future) teenager daughter... well then it would have a much harsher definition and a very concrete outline of an appropriate punishment. And as I listened to this sweet woman tell her story, my heart broke in half for her. I was angry, I was pissed, I wanted to hurt some people in the situation who had the opportunity to make it easier on her and refused to do so. I could see some of the things that I thought would help her. Obviously with any healing the steps you have to take are steps that must be taken in your own time. But my heart seriously burned with empathy. When I spoke to another friend about some of my own stuff she said something along the lines of she just doesn't understand how I have sympathy (or some skewed version of such a thing) for my abuser because SHE wants to punish this person herself. And I knew I understood exactly what my friend was doing when she minimized the situation.

I get it. I have the same problem. I have done this for a long time. Until recently I have been ignoring the past. Truth is I have been in counseling before and I even ignored my past then focusing mainly on trying to get my anxiety under control without really digging into the hard stuff or the roots of some of the anxiety. That was too freaking scary! Too hard to admit. Suppressing it to the point that everything about myself had become numb to avoid pain. Even as I acknowledge it now I sugar coat what happened and I even talk about it like I am talking about it happening to someone else. I have a lot of issues actually attaching the story to myself. Abuse is easy to say as far as abstract descriptors go. Abuse can mean anything really. It can mean your mom yelled at you a lot. It can mean your dad called you stupid. It can mean you were physically assaulted frequently and hid under your bed when you got into trouble. *sigh* It can mean so many different things but it feels easier to say and leave it up to other peoples imaginations or interpretations with the hope that they will chose the easier things to think and not feel bad for you. Or to just admit that other people have had it worse so your own trauma is not THAT bad. Adding the adjective in front of the word is a whole other demon. Physically abused, sexually abused, verbally abused, emotionally abused... they all add gravity to what one has experienced and often times the one who has experienced them doesn't want to own the gravity because that is hard. Admitting to yourself that you were violated and how... wow. And giving it the proper assessment is even more difficult. I can see how my friend was violated and how badly she hurts and I feel that in many ways more than I feel my own hurt.

And this is where perspective comes in I guess. Trauma shifts the perspective you have of yourself. Whether you are detaching from what happened to protect yourself or grew up thinking it was normal for you and you deserved it or had other people minimize what happened so you tried to follow suit. Ah, there are so many reasons people can not see their own abuse in the same light that they see others' in. But the important part of the conversation for me was the realization that I have to care for myself and love myself like I care for and love other victims. I have to embrace the love of God for myself as much as I encourage others to. I have to realize that if I believe God sees their pain then I have believe he sees my pain just as intensely. If I believe they deserve healing and rest then I need to believe I deserve the same. I have to think myself worthy of the same respect I feel she deserves. Now from head knowledge to heart knowledge... like usual.

Expectations.

Expectations are a funny thing. For me, they serve as a way to challenge myself. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to meeting expectations. I have to be on time, I can't bail on people, I have to meet expectations! Failing makes me feel horrible so I tend to be everything to everybody. Taken to the logical conclusions, this is not a healthy way of living. I can not meet everyone's expectations. I don't WANT to meet everyone's expectations. I want to come to a place where I am okay with me being me. I want to be able to say no to family if that is the best choice for my personal well being. I want to be able to not feel sick if I am 5 minutes late because the baby had a dirty diaper on the way out the door. I want to be able to experience not being perfect without attaching the word "failure" to myself.

FAILURE: one of my worst fears in life. Not good enough. Useless. Worthless. Irresponsible. Bad. Things I have been taught. Things I sometimes feel in my core even though I know that logically they are not true. But I FEEL them. They are adjectives that I wallowed in for most of my life. Abandoned, Ugly, Abused, Distant, Hated, Angry... all lead me to feel like a failure. Right, I know all about self-defeating thoughts. I know I have a great husband, beautiful kids, a nice, warm home.... I know there are people who love me. How do you get from head knowledge to heart knowledge though. How do *I* get to the logical conclusions about myself becoming what I feel about myself? I am a good person. I try to treat people well and love my family the best way I know how. But I still always feel like I don't measure up. And I get stuck in the wheel of trying to be "perfect". Trying to constantly prove myself to others. Expectations are heavy for me. They bear a lot of weight and a lot of control on how I feel about myself.

And that is the messy way I deal with other people's expectations.

Expectations of others... this is one of the biggest struggles in my life right now. My husband and I have a conversation about every 3rd night or so on how I need to lower my expectations of people. Apparently trying to be perfect puts me in the mindset that other people should be willing to meet my high expectations too. But this is complicated. My expectations are not high. But they are for the people in my life? Confused yet?

My family is a big ole bag of mess. I love them. I care about them. I want relationships with them. But I can not maintain "normal" expectations of them. I can't expect my family to behave how a "normal" family behaves. We are not typical. But I desperately want a family that feels normal and safe. And I have expectations that reflect what I want out of an extended family (extended because they are not MY created nuclear family, I guess). The problem I am having is learning how to place boundaries in these relationships to help us all form something that is... functional. I have started implementing a few things my counselor has suggested. Limiting visits home, for now, seems to be something I have to do. It sucks. I miss my nephew and niece like crazy. But I have to figure some things out before I put myself in some of the more vulnerable situations that can arise with my family. I need to be surer in myself.

But back to expectations. How do I create expectations that seem functional when I really just want a different family? Well not different people. Just a different dynamic and different types of relationships. The problem is that time can never be turned back and things can not be undone so we have to try and figure it out where we are at. But I WANT a more invested family. I want a mom who calls me to see how I am doing and brothers who are honest and real with me. I want my family to get real with themselves as much as I want my own recovery and progress to happen. I want family not affected by abuse and war (literal war, Iraq style) and anger. I don't want to be an adult who is dealing with childhood abuse and I don't want my family to be the family who is dealing with me changing in ways they don't expect. I want to be perfect for them and I want them to meet my expectations. But that is fairy tale thinking.

So I have to re-evaluate my expectations. And yes, even lower them to realistic. Because, lets face it, I will never have the family I have day dreamed about. Coming to terms with that sucks but it is necessary. Allowing myself to create boundaries and stop trying to be everything to everybody is healthy. Lowering expectations so I can't be so easily hurt is OKAY. Now, to get that to sink in to more than head knowledge. Digestion is slow I guess....

The ear saga...

So... LONG ent appointment today. 2+ hrs. I didn't really find out anything new. My eardrums don't work. I have mild hearing loss. My Eustachian tubes are stupid (they do NOT work). And so far we don't know why and/or have not come up with a medication combination to help. The current theory is that my allergies are so bad that the nasal inflammation and sinus issues are causing my E tubes to be pinched shut (basically, I guess). So my sinuses and nasal passages are always swollen and they push up against the tubes in my ears that are supposed to regulate the pressure and help get fluid out of my ears. The one in my right ear seems to be completely blocked and the left ear is mostly blocked.

Before this trip I was taking zyrtec, asmanex, and fluticasone (a nasal steroid spray) plus my albuterol inhaler when I needed rescue help for my allergies/asthma. My ears are still not better even with all this medication that should be helping my allergies. The thing is my allergies don't seem to be horrible this season (yet... oh how I love the peak of ragweed season though. It is about to be upon us with fury too). But my passages are still very swollen. At any rate, Dr. Y says there is nothing dangerous going on with my ears and we certainly have time to try things to see what will work best so for now he added another medication, singulair, to my every increasing lists of medications. He also did a RAST blood test to confirm or disprove that my body has an IgE reaction to corn and rice. I have had skin reactions to those foods before but I have eaten them my whole life. So I have been wanting to see if it may make my immune system and allergies better if I cut them from my diet. But corn is very hard to get rid of so I want to double check the allergy test. If both the skin test and RAST say I have those allergies, I definitely need to see if I can cut them out of my diet.

Anyway, the short answer is we are guessing that the problem is my allergies. There are some other issues we are hoping just go away (tinnitus the static in my ears, the clicking adn vibrating) as we correct the swelling that is messing up my E tubes. But this is just a guess at what is going on. So I guess I wait a bit longer and see if the new medication helps. If not, back to the dr for more practicing of medicine on me... love the guess work. The good news is it is not dangerous and we have time to figure out what is causing the E tubes to malfunction. So I am going to roll with it. I am not convinced it can be fixed because the problem has been very chronic and my hearing is still not normal but I can live with it for now until we get it figured out. I am very thankful that so far it seems to be just a really annoying problem to have and thankful for my doctor who is trying to help me even if I find the process incredibly slow :)

On the mend

I did end up needing to take Slobber Rocket back to the doctor today but the on call doctor decided against a blood draw. Which... seems to have worked out in a good kind of way. Slobber Rocket has been fever free all evening and without medication. So I think he just had a random fever. It is going around in little ones here right now so says the doctor. Just wanted to let you know hes feeling better it seems.

Super Muscles is still fighting the gunk. He sounds awful. I feel sorry for him when he cough and hacks and chokes on snotties (as we call it in our home). Hopefully tomorrow will be a better, healthier day for everyone in this house!

I go see the ENT in the morning. Still having lots of problems with my ears. Hopefully he can shed some light on what is going on. My ear is still very clogged and hurts. Having issues with odd sensations and tinnitus in my ears too. It has been to a point where I can't do things I love to do (like singing) so I definitely need to figure out what is going on. Everyone seemed hopeful that clearing out the infection in my mastoid would solve the problems but I still have some major issues going on.

That is all I got for tonight. Sorry I am so boring ;) Will update about the ENT when I can.

Sick kiddos and concerned looks

Both of the boys are sick right now. Super Muscles has a virus. He has a very nasty cough and drainage. Mucous everywhere. He is choking on some gross stuff every single time he coughs. He just... LOOKS sick. The boy rarely slows down but his eyes look ill and he is slow and tired. Dr. H thinks that he should just have a few more days left of this though and he will hopefully get some good sleep tonight. Cough syrup isn't helping and there isn't really anything I can do for him other than make sure he has enough to drink. Which, when his throat hurts he drinks gallons of ice water a day. Yes, I ONLY let him have ice in his water when he is sick. I have found it to be a good tactic to get him to stay hydrated when ill. Ice cubes are apparently like a treat and he says the "super duper cold water" makes his throat feel better. I roll with it. Dr. H suggested warm apple juice to help with the excess mucous and I thought my kids eyes were going to pop out of his head in pure delight that someone was suggesting to me that he could have juice (remember, we are a no juice family). HA!. We haven't tried it yet but I may pick some up tomorrow and see if it makes my sweet sicky feel better.

Slobber Rocket... well we aren't 100% sure what is up with him. He has a high fever. That is about what we know. He is not showing symptoms other than a fever. Right, he does this a lot. I know. lol. But if he is not showing symptoms of the same virus his brother has by tomorrow he needs to go back to Dr. H for some blood work to make sure he doesn't have a bacterial infection. He gets random fevers though and though we had a nice stretch with no fever, maybe he didn't want us to forget they exist. lol. Anyway, we will see what the morning brings for him I guess.

He hasn't gained any weight in 5 weeks. Not a single ounce! And that is where the concerned looks come in.... Right but I don't know what to say. You can lead a horse/child to water/food but you can't make him drink/eat. That is my life right now. Leading my kid to food and trying to make it work. And it is a process. A very frustrating process. One step forward and a few back. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes it seems like there is progress. The last month it has seemed like to me that he is eating a wider variety of food and we are getting some actual nutrients into him but he hasn't gained any weight. I mean he still doesn't eat much but we follow the rules and work with him. *sigh* But Dr. H said we can talk about it at his 18 mos appointment which is in 1.5 weeks. I am so glad she could read on my face that I was so NOT in the mood to talk about it today.

The Motrin and cough syrup will expire soon so I should TRY to get some sleep. We will see how that goes.

Superficial

Have you ever acknowledged something about yourself that was not really good? You admit that it is a problem but you have no clue where to even begin to start fixing it. You know its a destructive behavior but logic can't overtake emotion for some reason... That is where I sit tonight.

I know I have a problem. My problem is that I make and maintain almost exclusively superficial relationships. I know WHY I do it. I don't trust people. I can't trust people. I like to control my environment enough to make myself feel... safe. But this is not a healthy way to cope with the past. I can't keep my children away from everyone who I perceive could be dangerous. That has been exhausting and quite honestly it makes me sick, physically, to worry about them so much.

I also need to learn how to make and nurture relationships. Healthy relationships. Ones with boundaries that make sense and friends who make as much effort in the relationship as I do. That is not a skill I possess. Which makes finding meaningful relationships even more difficult. Apparently I don't know what normal relationships are. I have a fairly normal relationship with my husband I think. But he is one of the few people I know who can put up with me in a relationship. It is not that I am mean or critical (of anyone other than myself) or self-centered. I am a distant friend. I would do anything for a friend or family member but I don't have the ability to open up to people or emotionally invest.

But... the fact that I have only made 2-3 trusting relationships in 10 years (including the one with my husband) means I have no real support network. In the 3.5 years I have lived here I have only made one friend who sadly had to move away from the area. But even that friendship, though I care about her, is distant sometimes. I recognize this. I am just at a loss on how to fix it. I realize only 2 people know me. I mean the me that is hidden from everyone else. The real, honest, vulnerable, sweet me. I even own up to the fact that I am usually okay with that thinking that yea, its not normal but it is what works for me. Plus, if anyone has a reason to be like this... it is me! So not a great attitude to have but sometimes that is how it is. But the older I get  the more I realize, I have to learn to function in a variety of relationships for the sake of my children and most importantly so that I can have fulfilling and rich friendships. I would rather not pass on my own issues to my children by being a poor example to them. I would also rather not experience extreme anxiety anytime I let them do things without me. That is obviously not a healthy way to deal with normal kid stuff like... going to preschool (yes, those who know me know it has taken me almost 2 whole years and a lot of hesitation to put SM in preschool).

This all came to the surface in therapy on Monday because we were discussing goals for my treatment plan. And there is an area for social goals. It just made me realize when talking about it that I don't know how to make friends. I mean I can function socially out of necessity but I don't know how to actually figure out who is trustworthy and who is interested in becoming my friend. I don't know how to tell who my secrets are safe with or how to know if someone just feels sorry for me or obligated to listen to my sad tale. I don't know what is too overwhelming or what information to give to people in pursuit of a friendship. I feel terribly inadequate. I also wonder if other people feel this way. I assume most people make friendships kind of... organically. But I just don't have any experience with that. I have tried to make friends while living here and I have lots of acquaintances and even people who are willing to help us out if we need it. But again *I* keep it very superficial. Thankfully I have someone teaching me some of the skills I need. But I feel odd discussing it and going through the process of picking someone who is supposed to become a non-superficial... you know, genuine friend.