Simple is... complicated

I am a very simplistic thinker. I mean there are usually only two options right? Right and wrong. Good and bad. Correct and incorrect. Well that isn't actually right but that is how my brain works anyway. I have a very hard time seeing the complexity in situations. I make judgments pretty much solely on what I perceive to be good or right. I shun what is wrong or bad. I am terribly hard on myself if I turn out to be doing something I see as wrong or if I did make a mistake. And as simple as the way I think is... it makes my life very difficult and complex because it colors every single relationship that I have (or will have). I have a very hard time accepting people for who they are. I either play someone up a lot because they seem really good to me (my husband for example... though he is great man, I often have an inflated view of him and hold him to really high standards) or they seem... evil... to me. This makes relationships very hard for me to figure out because I just can't wrap my head around "grey areas". That doing something "grey" does not make someone bad or unworthy of my friendship. This is something we deal with in my counseling sessions quite frequently. How do you get your expectations down to reasonable when you have this way of thinking about things? The obvious solution is to slowly change how you think and to lower expectations of others.

To me that is not as easy or obvious to do just because I literally have a hard time processing events and people in a way that seems reasonable to most other people. I get why I do it but change is slow and slow bothers me. My friend said to me today that I just need to be okay where I am at right now. And maybe she is right but it seems like I am stalling out and feeling worse about a lot of things. And I know that is just how it is. But I just want to be able to hear what I need to do, and do it. I can't, but I wish I could. It takes work and slow, methodical changes. It takes pushing myself but slowly enough that I don't have panic attacks or make very big mistakes when trying to pummel through to the end. It takes dedication. I am dedicated to becoming a healthier person. I am dedicated to setting appropriate boundaries with family and friends for the sake of my own well being and the well being of my boys. I am dedicated to slowly and methodically realizing I contribute to some of the issues and working to change those parts about myself. But I don't think its simple. And I am sad that I am learning to do things you are supposed to pick up along the way in childhood at 25. It makes no sense to me and it forces me to face the facts about my expectations... they can't be met so I have to let them go.

So, I think simply. Some people think that my honesty and sense of integrity are great traits. They are most likely the 2 friends I have. ha. But for the most part, the simple way I think hurts relationships because it doesn't allow people to be who they are and where they are. And it hinders me from accepting them. Acceptance. I am not very good at accepting things outside of my ideals. I have to realize the world is not perfect and people are not perfect. I am not sure what this actually means for some relationships because I know there is a balance. Accepting too much allows pain. Not accepting breeds loneliness. I have to set boundaries. Real, identifiable boundaries to keep from being continuously hurt and to pave the way for the next several months and big decisions in my life. But acceptance has to be part of it too. Realizing that there is grey and there are things in peoples lives that need empathy and grace. So I am sorry if I have been less than accepting of any of you. I don't mean to be and I am trying to work on it. My counselor keeps telling me these are things I can learn and I am trusting her. She is challenging me in lots of ways and the growing pains are, at times, pretty miserable. But I am trusting her and trusting that one day, I will have more healthy, meaningful relationships. Until then, I am learning a whole lot about how my simple ways of thinking make things more complicated sometimes.

Sharing too much

As I have discussed in the past, I have a hard time making friends. This is something I talk about a fair bit in counseling. I don't live very close to my family and it is important for me to build a network of people I can trust and depend on. But also, people who are there for my kids in ways that my family can not be there for them. They need more than JUST me and their dad. As much as I would like that to be sufficient, I realize that as they get older their support group will need to be larger. Heck, my support group needs to be larger, so why wouldn't theirs?

Apparently making friends is like dating. Or this is what I have been told. I never really "dated" though. I met my husband in the 4th grade. We didn't go to middle school together but met back up in high school. After our freshman year we started a serious relationship. And... 10 years later, we are married and have 2 little boys. So the dating analogy doesn't work real well with me. But when discussing how you make friends we did talk a bit about dating. Like, the idea that when you date someone and you reveal way too much way too fast... you scare people off! Telling your date that you (making up a scenario here) were locked in your closet for 6 hours a day every weekend as a child... might be a little much. So this is what I struggle with because I don't know some of these social skills... This is what I am working on learning. How to know how much information to give to people and how much they actually care and if they are trustworthy. I can't just tell a new friend on a "first date" too much. I also don't want to feel like they are not getting to know me (which is another common way for me to cope). So apparently I can learn this stuff... I feel like sometimes I am going to school for the socially inept. I am okay with that if it helps :) But I am learning that this means I am going to have to really think about what I talk about and when. And that is hard for me. I am typically a super honest person and I answer questions as they come pretty bluntly. I have never really been overly vague and if I don't feel like talking about it I am way more likely to say "that isn't really something I want to talk about" than to answer in a vague, but honest, enough way for people to accept and not be sharing too much. I never really knew that making friendships had so many rules. Maybe for other people they don't? But this seems really complicated to me.

I think that is one of my issues... I don't want people close and I really dislike how complicated it all seems. But if I find someone I might like to have a friendship with, I don't know how to initiate or give the right pieces of information and at the right times and in the right amounts. I guess one day I will get it figured out but today I left my appointment feeling a bit defeated about the whole friend thing. But I have resolved to try and kind of pay more attention to the information I give people. My goal is to not share too much but to also not put up walls. Balance.