Being okay...

with not being okay.

My counselor asked me to think about how I can be okay with not feeling okay as I make some very big decisions. I have avoided answering this question for days. It seemed the hardest of the things I am supposed to think about.

I guess the first question is: is it okay to not be okay? I generally feel like I am letting people down if I am not okay. I have kids to raise, a house to clean, dinners to make, parent teacher conferences to attend, church obligations, a dog, a husband to spend time with... the list goes on and on and on. Looking at my schedule for next week makes me all too aware that I have a lot of stuff to take care of and it makes me feel like I don't have time to "not be okay". Really, I don't. Every moment of my week seems to be occupied by... something. And the moments that are not occupied by something, I should be cleaning or cooking or making Christmas gifts. So going into it, I thought that I just can't be not okay. I can't because I don't have the time and I don't want to punish my family.

But the truth is that whether I have time to be not okay or not... I am not okay. I am struggling badly with anxiety. Worry about big decisions, social anxiety, general worries about kids and health and family and schools for SM and panic attacks and asthma and allergies and so much stuff. I think people that don't struggle daily with anxiety have a hard time actually knowing what an anxiety disorder must be like. I technically have 2 anxiety disorders. So on top of worrying about everything in life and it's sister, I have triggers for anxiety related to the past abuse and my childhood. It is a fairly complex beast. But when I am not taking care of myself and filling up my cup with healthy and useful coping skills... anxiety can be a very debilitating thing for me. OR even when I am taking care of myself but have very hard choices to make or am trying to do something that scares me to death... I am not okay. Right now, I am not okay.

So after I established that I am, in fact, NOT okay... I started thinking more about the question. How can I be okay with not feeling great? How can I be okay with not being okay? Is it even possible? I often times feel like I just don't work right. Is it okay that I don't work right? That I have to exert a huge amount of effort to just be able to cope with... taking my children out in public or being able to handle anxiety enough that I can actually sleep normally? Is there really a way to be accepting of the fact that even though I love working out I hate going to the gym? I hate people looking at me, I hate talking to people, I have to go to the locker room and calm myself down after I leave my 20 month old with people I barely know? Or that I can't make phone calls.. I have to be desperate for help before I make a phone call. Will accepting that help? When you accept something as truth does it mean that you are making excuses for not doing things right or well?

I don't like being like this. I don't like being socially awkward. I don't like struggling to make friends or struggling to trust people with my kids. I don't like that I seem judgmental to people because my brain works how it works. Because it puts actions and people into very neat little categories and I lack something in there to create more than 2 categories.

So I accept it. Is it like recovery where admitting that it is a problem is a step toward help? Or is it justifying how you behave even if it is unhealthy?

Anyway all of this is basically the preface to an excerpt that I wrote today. This is how I think... its a very long and drawn out process most of the time.

So how can I be okay with not feeling okay (this question is related to a big decision I am making)?

I guess you ultimately stand on principles. You find conviction or confidence or something that makes it worth while. You trust the people around you to make sure you don't break or crumble. Take care of yourself. And... jump in.

I guess I am going to jump in. I might need a push but I am just going to jump in because I have no other choice. Prayers and positive thoughts are very appreciated.