Joy comes in the morning

For a while anyway. I have been so excited about my trip to Ghana that I have been pushing a lot of big things to the back burner. Unfortunately all those big things came out tonight as a long conversation with the hubs before bed and LOTS of tears. I am sad. I mean I am happy about many many things but I am also sad.

Right now, I can't stop thinking about my step dad. He is sitting in some prison in Indiana... I am not even sure where. I could find out if I tried hard enough but I haven't found the case on the interwebs or anything. But I am sad thinking about how lonely he must be. There is a difference between thinking someone did something wrong and are getting punished for those poor choices and feeling sad that a human being, and one that I care about even, is alone and has had all of his rights stripped from him. I think I did the right thing even though I feel a huge amount of sorrow and even guilt for setting it all in motion. Everyone seems to think I should be happy about this too... but I am just sad and feel like its my fault. And it is my fault to a large extend and I need to be okay with it.

The deal is, he did something horrible. He violated the trust of 2 children. He violated 2 children. One of those children was me. And when he was left alone with my son and nephew, I freaked and ran as hard as I could to find a counselor who would help me figure it all out and tell my family because I could not take the anxiety attacks and guilt and sheer feeling of absolute failure at keeping my son safe. He is okay by the way... it was literally a car ride alone with him from point A to point B. But still... it was enough to scare the crap out of me. I couldn't let that happen to my kids or any kids that I love. I just had no other option and I had to do what I felt was right. I had no way of knowing it would turn into this. I wasn't ever going to press charges... and I didn't. I just wanted him away from my kids and my nieces and nephews. That is all. Its a bit messy because going into the rest of it gives personal details about people I have no right to give personal details about. But the point is this is not at all how I expected it to end.

I never expected to be sitting down writing a blog thinking about how my dad was going to spend the next (at least) 8.5 years in prison. I never expected to feel so confused about it. I never expected so many people to tell me how to feel about it.

I never thought I would have next to no relationship with my mom at this point in my life. And it isn't personal. It is just what I need right now. And some days I feel literally choked by the anger that surrounds our relationship. My anger mostly. How do I let go of it? I am working on it with D (my therapist) and I have come a long way but people are getting really impatient with me. Frustrated that I am not moving toward reconciliation fast enough. But I have to take care of my own emotional wounds and needs and those of my families first. Raw wounds are ugly and I don't want any ugly relationships anymore. I just don't.

Never thought I would be recovering from my 2nd acl repair or have allergies to the extent that I have them or be in the process of being diagnosed with a chronic illness. Never imagined I would see 4 specialists about my ears and still have no real answers on how to help them.

But I also never known Redemption like I have seen in the last year. I never thought that I would be able to get to the point of trusting someone to help me with my past and work through it. I never thought I would have the strength to go through all that has transpired in the past 6 months. I never would have imagined preparing myself for going to Ghana. I wouldn't have known that with all the health problems I have, that I would have the energy to fund raise and network like I have. Sure sometimes I do it while laying on my bed so tired I can't think straight and with numb hands but I always have the ability to keep going. I never knew I would see a few relationships get stronger than they had ever been or that I would meet my bio dad and form some kind of... friendship... with him. Or that as terrified as I was to send Super Muscles to preschool that we would both absolutely love the experience more than I can express. And the biggest thing I would have never guessed... was that I would be sitting in my living room right now, feeling so much compassion for a man who hurt me so much. Never in a million years would I have guessed that. And I know that if I can feel compassion for him, I can find that for my mom. It is inside me somewhere and I am trying so hard to find it but I am encouraged by how things have changed so far.

That is the remarkable thing about it all. I have been closing my eyes and hanging on to Jesus for dear life. More than I ever have... and you know what? The miracle is that he has given me enough excitement to drown out a lot of the sadness. It still creeps in and I still see my therapist every week and have PT 3 times a week and drs appointments. And even emotional break downs when I get overwhelmed. But it's good. Life is good and I am happy because I have seen so much redemption and healing in my life. And I know that I know that I am not alone in all of this. It is an amazing feeling. Tonight I weep... but joy comes in the morning.

While the nation celebrates

While our nation celebrates, I am sitting at home feeling incredibly sad. I wish I could really explain what is in my heart but I have already been terribly misunderstood so I doubt seriously that it is possible. Why are we celebrating the death of a human being? Why are we in the streets cheering that someone's dad, brother, child, grandfather... whatever, was shot dead in a war? My heart is sad to see this. I feel nauseous every single time I see someone cheering in the streets or a new facebook update about how justice was served.

Justice was not served! Justice will never be served. There is no way to bring back innocent people. And this doesn't stop the war. It doesn't bring back our men and women from Afghanistan. I would be totally surprised if we didn't just piss off a bunch of crazy terrorists. What justice is that? Putting more of our soldiers in danger is not justice.

I know people who were in NYC and in Washington DC and who have fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. People that I dearly love have suffered far greater than any person ought to suffer in life. My brothers have seen things no one should ever see. Innocence has been killed trying to get at this man for the past 10 years in the form of young men and women serving this country and children and women being in the wrong place at the wrong time. War is not justice. Death is not justice. Peace is the only thing I can think of that approaches justice for the lives lost.

I will never forget how my stomach sank and my body filled with nauseousness as I saw people cheering in the streets near the White House just like I will never forget watching the 2nd plane fly into the tower and the towers collapse with thousands of people inside. Nothing will change those feelings or the consequences. We didn't just make the world safer, we made the world angrier and more uncertain. And I just don't feel like that is celebratory.

I echo everyone's sentiments toward our troops though. They are who put their lives on the line for us everyday. They are brave men and women dedicated to protecting our country. And I am extremely thankful and proud of them. Every.single.day.

So, I think this is worthy of feeling. It is monumental. It is history altering. It is something I will always remember. Where I was when waiting for Obama to address the nation that Osama bin Laden was dead. But I won't remember it like so many people probably will. War is not justice. And I am pretty sure that is one conviction I will always have. I have seen what war does to people. I have brothers very affected by war. It is not Justice.

Kanee and ch-ch-ch-changes

"Mom, is that word ka-nee?" "no Buddy, that word is knee, when a K and an N are next to each other at the beginning of a word it makes an 'Nnn' sound" "well that doesn't make any sense" "You are right K, there are lots of rules in the English language that don't make much sense but we have to learn them if we want to be good readers and writers" "well, it is still silly"... well there you have it. And I mus say, I agree with him :) It is a pretty dumb "rule". Anyway, my kanee is doing about as well as can be expected. Still very sore and very tired from surgery. Having issues sleeping and the sleeping/pain med combo gives me terrifying dreams. My flexion is up well past 60 degrees out of 120 and I am starting into strengthening exercises. I can put some weight on my leg using crutches and walk a bit but I get tired and winded and SWEATY easily yet. Oh well. It will come back in time. See my dr tomorrow and will discuss the massive contact rash and many blisters I have on my knee. Oh the joy of being allergic to everything under the sun. Should start hardcore PT this week too. If you can help with my peanut boy some... let me know. I am looking for a rotation to help with him. I will likely have PT MWF for a few weeks then twice a week... and tapering off for several months.

And about the changes... I just want people to know... or kano that I have and am going to continue to make positive changes in my life. It is really unfortunate if you don't want to come along the journey with me but I can not let you hold me back or hurt me anymore. There has been a ton going on lately that has let me know who cares for and values me and who is fine without me. I am done with the hurt and am going to focus on making MY life with my family the best it can be. I don't need people in my life anymore who hurt me. I don't need acceptance from people just because it is what I have always wanted. I am a good person, with a good heart, who takes great care of my family... and I am proud of that. I know there is always room for change and I am putting in the work for that change. Focusing on my faith and my mental health and my physical health every day is part of that! But I can only change me if if you never change you, we might have to drift apart. Family is not exempt from this because we share bloodlines. If anything you should be cheering me on instead of pushing me away. So... I am just putting it out there. I will do what I think is right and I will keep making changes. Feel free to join me, or not. That is not my concern or focus.

Oh and if you have anything you can donate to an auction or any connections you can hook me up with for an auction in June that will benefit the trip to Africe, let me know! We have some great things and hopefully more amazing things to come. The auction will be online so if we can dream it we can offer it!

Peace, love and flowers and send me some knee healing prayers while we are at it :)

Knee Surgery... tomorrow

I am going to the "little hospital" in town tomorrow for my ACL revision. I have to be there at 5:30 am. No food or drink after midnight so I am glad I have the early surgery :) It is outpatient and I am hoping to be home and in my own bed (or couch) by noon. That would be glorious! I am going to be flat on my back for a few days and drugged up! So if you want to have a funny conversation with me... the next few days might be good days to call. In kind of interesting news, I had to go buy both nail polish remover and antibacterial body soap to prepare for this surgery. Interesting because... how does painted toenails have anything to do with knee surgery and what is washing with antibacterial soap going to do to prevent infection when they scrub the heck out of you before they hack away anyhow. I have had 4 surgeries thus far and a procedure under anesthesia and this is the first time for the soap thing. I guess it must be new. Oh well.

Send prayers and thoughts my way for a good surgery and quick recovery. I would appreciate it very much.

Perception

I used to be a member of a Martial Arts class in my hometown. Our instructor used to say something to us all the time and it went like this "You are not only responsible for your actions but also how your actions are perceived." He definitely wasn't a perfect guy but this advice has stuck with me.

There is a group of friends online that I have had since I was pregnant with my oldest son. So we have been friends for nearly 6 years! Been through so many things you can not even imagine. Illnesses, deaths, marriage, premature births... the list is enormous. Most of us have never met but it has always been a place where I felt safe. A place where I went for support in parenting and in life.

Recently there was a big "cat fight" in this group and things have changed for us. Not even sure how to attempt to explain it. But I tried to settle the dispute by sharing honestly with another person how her actions were perceived. Of course, I don't know her IRL (in real life) so I can't communicate with her about her day to day goings on. I had gotten several emails from friends saying that this person had hurt them in someway or another and honestly, she had hurt me with her words as well. So I did the only thing that I know how to do. I don't handle bull well and in fact am not good at it. I get my knife out and cut through. So I was honest with her and told her how she was making feel. Unfortunately it didn't really go how I had planned it to go and she often tried to turn things around on me or others instead of owning her part of the problem. I apologized for my part (I sometimes antagonized her... on purpose... for a response) and admitted my mistakes but she could not see her contribution.

Eventually things died down and I felt like I did the right thing but unfortunately things will never go back to normal. People are still scared to speak their hearts with her around and people are still hurt. I am kind of mourning that group right now. Not that the group is gone or friends are lost but the dynamic is so different and it makes me sad. But fortunately, some of us have bonded in a new way and I have really grown some friendships through this and that is exciting.

Anyway, I guess what I want to say in conclusion is that if several people approach you or even just a good friend... I think that you need to really reflect and see what your contribution is. That is how we better ourselves and that is how we develop stronger character. And I agree, we are responsible for how people perceive us because really... that is part of WHO we are as well.

Kind of a rambling post... sorry about that.

Brief update

We added a button to our funds account for Ghana. You now have the option to donate monthly for the next 7 months. Anything you donate will go toward building the school as well as school supplies and expenses. Thank you so much for supporting me in this.

Also keep up to date with the goings on of our trip by following this blog:  www.tinyurl.com/Ghana2011.

I really am working on a blog dedicated specifically to this :) Apparently my life has so far been too busy with learning about knee surgery, canceling other appointments, finding help with child care, etc. But I am going to go into my room right now and work on it for a while. Kay?

Hope you will step out and join us in doing something beautiful in Africa. I am so passionate about these children and George's work in Kete Krachi. All children deserve a childhood and we hope we can help make this happen for a few more kids. "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world" That song keeps floating through my head when I think about the journey we are embarking on. God loves these children, I love these children and together we can make life a little easier by providing a safe home and education for trafficked children.

Getting my knee fixed up!

I am probably one of the few nuts that is semi-excited about having surgery. But... I am. Heh. On Wednesday the 13th I am going to have an acl revision on my left knee. I was very worried that my surgeon wouldn't want to do it again but thankfully he didn't even hesitate and is sure he can get it working :) The reason I am so excited is because I will be able to play softball and run again in a few months. More importantly I will be able to carry my toddler again and run around and play with the boys. And I will be able to play with the kids in Ghana in November. All massively important things to me.

Being the girl who is extremely fascinated by surgery and cool stuff like that... I am pretty excited about getting donor tissue for the graft too. It is pretty neat. Most everyone I have talked to it are a little weirded out but I think its so amazing that people donate their bodies and then it can help people like me continue to have an active lifestyle. I won't be able to play basketball or hockey or soccer but... softball and running... woohoo! Hopefully volleyball with a brace. Ah may zing.

Anyway, I am going to have a couple of rough weeks ahead but I am so looking forward to getting my mobility back in one of the ways that matters most to me: working out and playing sports. I have to work out to manage my anxiety. So yea, I am a little oddly excited about having surgery on my knee :) So keep me in your thoughts and prayers... My hubs too because hes going to have to take care of me and the boys for several days. Thankfully hes a pretty good (and hot) male nurse when I am down for the count.