God is the Same

Something I think about a lot is circumstances and how some people live and some people die. Some people have mostly good lives and some people suffer a lot. And none of it seems to really have much to do with how good or bad a person is or how much they "try" to do well in life. It seems so... patternless.

I listened to a story today about an article someone had written in the editorial section of a newspaper. It was praising God because her husband missed a flight and his life was spared when the flight crashed and all the passengers died. The next week a reply to the editorial: "My husband made that flight". And the Bible says that God is the same today,yesterday and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Sometimes it is so difficult to reconcile that with human suffering and the patternlessness that seems to accompany it. This is something I have long struggled with because I have such a sympathetic heart and I have also been through a lot in my young life. And honestly, I don't think I "deserved" it. No child deserves to be hurt. I have seen lots of pain and evilness and have experienced a lot at the hands of others. But God wants me to know this week that he is the same today, yesterday and forever and just because the world is fallen and bad things happen (because that is the consequence of sin) that He is the same.

I tend to think that there are parameters that God doesn't generally mess with. Not that he can't but he set the laws and rules into motion when he created this planet. He gave man free will and men use that free will. Sometimes they use it negatively and against others (think child abuse and murder and... really the list is infinite, it seems) and He also set the laws of this world into place which include rules like gravity and many other forces we deal with every day. And there is plague and famine and natural disaster that are just a part of sin entering the world. But I would appeal to many ideas (even some of some of my dearest friends) that God causes suffering or is even somehow indirectly responsible. The Bible says that EVERYTHING good is from God (James 1:17). That all blessings are from God.

So right now, I am going to take refuge in the fact that God IS the same today, tomorrow and forever. That the things going on in my life that are not good are not of God. That decisions my biological father made when I was a child... they weren't of God. He did not want small children to suffer. That was a mans decision. Out of that man's heart came wickedness... not out of God's heart. Hiding under the bed to get away from a belt, that is man's wickedness. God, thank you for being the same. Thank you for all things good in my life and for carrying me through the bad. Thank you for the blessings in my life. For my husband, my children, my family and friends. For all things good, I thank you.

Letting go in order to move on.

I always had big dreams, as a child, of being a stay at home mom until my kids were in school. I didn't know what I would do after that but I assumed I would have 4+ kids so it would take a while to get to that point. But recently, a pretty firm decision that we will not have anymore biological children was made. Most days I am okay with that. 95% of the time I totally GET why we have made such a decision. Delivery was not easy on me with either of my boys. SR delivery, well I don't even really talk about it because it scares me what could have happened. I didn't see his birth because of an emergency c-section. There are many many reasons we have decided not to have anymore children and this decision IS what is best for our family. I feel that way strongly. But I loved pregnancy for the most part and I loved ushering new life into this world. It is an incredible thing. But I have to let go of the dream I had for myself because it is looking like it is not the same dream God has for us. And barring some miracle that includes failed birth control, we are certainly not having anymore children in the realm of soon (at least 5 yrs before we are in a position to begin the adoption process).

So I am letting go. I am selling ALL of my maternity clothes and ALL of the tiny little preemie and NB clothes and ALL of the baby stuff that SR has outgrown already. It has been kind of an emotional week going through all of the stuff I want to sell. The memories surrounding some of the tiniest outfits my sons wore (I will save my absolute favorites). The first maternity outfit I wore to a friends wedding when I was 4 mos pregnant with Super Muscles. Lots and lots of memories. I am getting rid of them though and trusting. Trusting we are making a good decision and that God's plan is bigger than our plan. And I am looking forward to the day when our family gets bigger without me getting bigger ;)

Too messed up.

Sometimes I think I am too messed up to be a good mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister... whatever. My past is a beast and I have issues climbing the mountain. My boys know I love them and I am making great strides in some personal issues but I am still so scared of screwing it all up. I am so thankful for some of my friends who have been talking me through some big things in my life lately. And I am glad to have a perfect Father who forgives me and loves me and carries me through the failings of my earthly father.

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

See Mama Run

We have a cool park right down the street from our house. It is about a block away with great, brand new equipment, a shelter for picnics, tennis courts, a basketball court, benches, trees, a giant red swing for parents to enjoy while their children play. It is Victory park and it is enjoyed very much by the children in my neighborhood.
I have a friend, named Joanna, who lives in a little town near Urbana, called Thomasboro. Their park is not as great. It really isn't much of a place for her little boy to play. It has a swing set that is old and rusty, a basketball court that is falling apart and a ball field that has seen better days. And her little town is ready to do something about that! So Joanna is heading up a fund raising campaign to fix the playground and make it a great place for all of the kids in her neighborhood to play including her own. So, how can you help? Go check out Seemamarun to find out what she is up to and how you can donate. 100% of the proceeds will be used to improve West Side Park. If we all give a little, we can make a difference for many children who could really use a fun, safe place to play.

Negativity begets negativity

And conversely positivity generates even more positivity.

As a preface... I don't have it all figured out. My marriage has things in it that I need to work toward changing. I worry about things that shouldn't matter and don't in the long run and I do things that frustrate my husband. I love my marriage and I love my husband but I want to make 100% clear, I do not think I have it all figured out. And I want no illusions being put out there that my marriage is perfect and that we never struggle. And now on to our regularly scheduled blog post.

One thing I have noticed about our society in general is that, when it comes to marriage a lot of us tend to focus on the negative aspects of our relationships. I have seen plenty of relationships fail to know that this is one thing that fuels the fire of arguments and beats down husbands and wives alike. But I am not a husband and I generally don't talk to men or get to hear a mans perspective on this very often so I will stick with what I see and hear.

Now, please know that this is advice for myself too. It is conviction for myself. It is something I need to constantly work on. But what I have noticed from women is that many many of us tend to bash our husbands. Whether it be in quiet conversations in the coffee shop, to the girls at church, or on a completely public forum... I see this a lot. And what I want to say is that the way we talk about our husbands influences how we feel about them. "Venting" (a term used when women complain about things) about our husbands and their shortcomings does not serve us well to actually solve problems. It also does not allow us to look internally and see if there is something that we, as a wife, can do to help the problem. All it does is breed negativity. When we only focus on the things they don't do right, we begin to legitimately miss all the things they do well. We see dirty laundry on the floor, overflowing trash cans, frivolous spending (insert whatever annoys you) and NOT that he took the kid out to play on the swing set, saved the extra bit of mashed potatoes at dinner because he knows you love them or sent you a sweet text while at work (insert those sweet things that are unique to your husband).

So I propose we try to focus on the GREAT parts of our husbands. Those things that made us fall in love with them or that makes us fall in love with them again. An amazing sense of humor, long conversations, kindness, great daddyness, warm hugs after a hard day, great sex ;)... Whatever he does right, cling to it. Because focusing on the good makes us see the genuinely amazing parts of the men we chose to spend the rest of our lives with. It also minimizes the daily annoyances and makes us more willing to serve and love our guys. One of my life mottoes is: We can only change ourselves. So when you feel like your marriage is on a cliff and the wind is blowing just a little too hard, choose to find the positive in your mate. Choose to change how you look at the situation and I can bet you will be pleasantly surprised at how well it works.

Cpl. Will Powell

R.I.P. Cpl. WIll Powell


My brother knew Cpl Will Powell better than I did. They were in the same grade and in their younger years and through high school. I knew of him. He had this big smile that I think everyone knew. My senior year, we took Spanish together and I got to see that big smile every day. He was kind and goofy. We never really were friends because he was 2 grades below me but I. remember. that. smile. And, I am sorry I will never get to see his smile again. And I am proud of the man he became and the sacrifice he gave for our country. I miss your smile Will. My prayers are with your family and friends as they go through remembering not only your life but the days surrounding when you died too.

A picture that hurts.

I have to write about this because I am not really sure what else to do or who to talk to that would understand but I really need to get it out. And I guess... who knows, maybe some random stranger can come along and help me?

I saw a picture today (that my older brother pointed me to) of my biological father and his family. It stung. It hurt. It made me angry. It made me cry (just a little). But mostly it pissed me off. There was a little girl in the picture who is my half sister (as well as 3 step-siblings) and she looks like MY sister and she has a name that is similar to mine (really really weirded me out). And she has the same smile as my nephew, Junior. And they looked happy. A happiness, that if I am honest, I don't think he deserves. And it is raw how I feel and I don't understand it.

You see, my "dad" left my family when I was 2. Then he left another family (gave the 2 children up for adoption actually) when they were small. Then he got into relationships with kids all around him and left those kids. We won't add in all the criminal activity and the time my brother lived with him and what that did to him or some of the things he did to my mom or anything like that because that would not be good for my emotional state right now. Neither would discussing how growing up being abandoned affects a person... I will just skip it.

But, tonight I am sad. And I think I am going to give myself some time to be sad and angry. Because most days I ignore it and most days I focus on my own family and not the hurts of a little girl who wanted a dad or the consequences my whole family has faced and still are facing from those decisions. But, it did affect us and it does hurt to see him smiling with a new family in a picture with a new home with a little girl who is my sister and who I should know. It just... hurts.