A Parent's Role

A friend of mine and I have been talking a lot about having children and when you know you are ready and how you know your kids will turn out okay and you won't screw them up. She is married and they are considering trying for children soon. I am really the only person her age that she knows who has a few years of parenting experience. So today at lunch we were talking about what a parent's role is... It is something I have thought about a lot in the past. I often wonder what people think their role is in their child/ren's life. I am sure it varies. But I think every parent should try and answer this question because then it kind of gives you a philosophy that helps you structure how and what you teach your children.

I think my role as a mother to my children is to set a good example for them on how to treat others and how to treat myself (as a result modeling them how to treat themselves). I think I need to respect them as people so that they can learn how to respect others. Ideally I want my children to grow up to be content in life. No matter what they have or what they don't have... I want them to find peace and contentment. I want them to be independent thinkers and not just believe something because other people say it is true. I want them to explore ideas and thirst for knowledge. I don't want them to always make choices based on what will make me and their dad happy or their significant other or their friends or their boss... (because, lets face it, that has never brought me ANY peace or contentment). I want them to have dreams and to value themselves enough to go after them. I hope that they treat all others with respect and dignity. I hope they value truth and stick to their moral convictions. And I hope that we model our marriage for them to be one they see love, sacrifice and teamwork in. I hope that we teach them everyday how to work out problems with the people you love (and even with people you don't much care for) with compromise and understanding.

Wow... being a parent seems daunting when you write it all out. I wonder how much of that we actually have control of. I know so many people who have had amazing parents and have turned into not very nice people. I know so many people who were raised by douche bags who somehow turn out to be decent people and great parents. So to some extent, I think we have a lack of control but we do shape our children. I mean its not a 1 to 1 correlation by any means but their childhoods and the habits modeled are often times the foundation for how children learn how to interpret the world and handle problems.

So I guess from my list of things I want for my children... the biggest things I think that I need to do as their mom is to encourage independence and critical thinking. Encourage them to go after their dreams hard core. SHOW them how to treat others with love and respect. Love their dad the best way I can. And always model to them my beliefs and explain to them why I believe what I do and how I came to the conclusions I came to. Role play and discuss appropriate ways to handle conflict and fear. And always always be honest with them. That is kind of my plan anyway. I know I will fail sometimes. I mean, I have failed sometimes already. But these children are 2 of the biggest and most important blessings in my life and I have promised to do things to better their odds at becoming amazing adults with the potential to make an impact on their communities.

And since I am trying to do this whole positivity thing lately... the one thing I am most proud of as a parent is that my children have very carefree lives to this point. Yes, we have had health problems, money problems, family problems but to this point I feel like they are very secure and trust us to keep them safe. By the time I was Super Muscles age, my parents were already divorced, I was going to a babysitter who was abusive, going home to a boyfriend of my moms who was also abusive... I thought no one loved me, especially not my dad. I felt alone because I was the only girl. And I KNOW that my children are loved and feel loved and that means the world to me.

So... what do you find to be your role as a parent and how do you plan to meet the expectations of the role you are creating for yourself as a parent?

The Hard Questions

I know that everyone thinks of hard questions. Whether it be about their beliefs or suffering in the world or mortality or... I know the must. It isn't something that people really talk about a lot but, what the heck, honesty is a lens into someones true soul (or something like that) right?

So I am going to put out there some things I have been thinking about. Feel free to comment, think or do nothing. This is for me but maybe it will help someone else too.

I have been thinking a lot about beliefs and God and suffering lately. I became a Christian when I was in 3rd grade. I did not grow up in a Christian home but in 3rd grade I started walking to a church down the road from my house with my brother. And that church family took us in. Then I went to church camp that summer and while there decided to become a Christian. But there is just SO MUCH I don't get about religion. Even more that I don't get about God and suffering. I think these are normal thoughts though and people just don't really talk about them. My husband and I discuss them often though. I just don't understand God as portrayed by most of my friends. Who controls absolutely everything which ultimately makes Him responsible for the good, the bad and the ugly. The general line of reasoning being that God controls everything so everything must be a product of God's will. And if everything is a product of God's will then the horrible things that happen in life are actually good things. They have a good and Holy purpose. ... I have a hard time with that whole line of thinking. I have tried to accept it but I can't. I have experienced senseless thing after senseless thing in life. I have seen suffering that makes NO sense. I know children with illnesses that will kill them before they even get a good shot at life and I know their parents and the agony they experience just trying to live life with this knowledge and give their kids the best chances at life that they can. I know people who have been abused and raped and molested and beaten up by several people and left by spouses and abandoned by dads and moms and ignored by the parents they have who are present. I can think of a million things that are senseless and I just don't get it. And I don't get clinging onto the idea that God causes and/or controls all of life's happenings. Jesus himself prayed that God's will be done on earth as it is in Heaven... which indicates to me that this world contains anything but God's perfect and flawless will for man.

What got all of this stirred up is a book I am reading called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It is actually quite a good read but I disagree pretty strongly with some of her theology (well... that isn't saying much because I am not sure I agree with most people's theology). Anyway I am to the part of the book where she is trying to learn to be thankful for the bad. And it just... it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I get looking back and being thankful for the lessons the bad has taught you but to be thankful for senseless, horrible things... that is an interesting concept for me. I am not thankful that I have a chronic illness. In fact, I am annoyed by it. I am also not very appreciative that I tore my ACL again and may never be able to play several sports that I love.

But... that is where I differ from many I guess... I am okay with being irritated and frustrated and even angry about bad things happening. I feel no compulsion to be thankful for horrible, painful experiences. No obligation. Because I just don't think God hurts people as a matter of bringing Himself glory. I think that the world is full of crap and sometimes that crap lands at my feet. PEOPLE make horrible choices that end in lives destroyed. Natural disasters happen as freak occurances. Kids play dangerous games and die. Genetics are a crapshoot and some people get the unlucky end of them. And some things are beyond senseless! Abusing children, rape, murder, (some... or most) war, illness... anyway,... I feel okay with things being the way the world turns with no one in particular to blame. It makes me sleep a little easier at night not thinking God causes all the pain of the world.

Now I don't think that learning from pain is bad. In fact, I think we can learn through horrific experiences. It has taken some pretty terrible things in my own life for me to learn how to handle certain things or to speak for innocence or to mature. I think everyone experiences that. And I do think that God helps reveal things we can learn that maybe we wouldn't otherwise (though EVERYone learns from the past... painful or awesome).

Wow this is long and rambling but I wanted to get it down because it was eating away at my mind. I get fixated on things sometimes and just have to get them out so I can shelf the thoughts for a little while.

Some things are moving in the right direction

I have been so busy lately. Don't even really know where to start. I guess we can start with my knee... I tore my acl again for sure. I am in PT twice a week until I see the surgeon on April 5. Slobber Rocket is bouncing between slightly anemic and normal hemoglobin levels on his CBCs. It can be normal variability though. But his ferritin is low (his iron stores) so he is taking ferrous sulfate for a couple of months to see if we can get his iron stores up. One of his hormone screens also came back abnormal. So he does need a stimulation test but we are still unsure about how we are going to proceed. The current thought is to have us come back to St Louis in 3 mos and do a short stim test and if he fails it do the longer one. But she would really rather wait until he is a bit older before trying to do the longer one. And I don't think waiting until he is 3 is that big of a deal. We are still discussing it. She should be calling me this week to tell me about his hand xrays that she had sent to her office. She wanted to read them herself. He had them taken maybe 6 months ago. That is sort of the DL on me and the blonde one.

As far as moving in the right direction... I was cleaning up the kitchen today and thinking. Just... thinking. I do this a lot when I am cleaning. My kids seem to hide when the brooms and rags are brought out so it is fairly quiet in the house then. And the thought of my husband came into my head and just how people have perceived us. Ever since we started dating, people have pretty much openly thought that he was too good for me. He is smarter than me, kinder than me, more successful than me... the list is kind of long. If it wasn't high school friends saying these things it was parents insinuating them and if it wasn't them it was people in the professional world giving me this dumbfounded stare when MW introduces me and they ask me what I do and I say I am a stay at home mom. It has been reinforced for so long that I have often thought that he was better than me. That I just... I don't know, didn't deserve him. But as I was standing in the kitchen this morning thinking... a big smile creeped up on my face and for the first time that I can remember I very much thought... "I am just as worthy as he is." Just as worthy of happiness, success, health. And I am just as valuable as he is. He definitely treats me like I am and he always has. But I have never really believed it. I am not sure why I didn't and I am not sure I can put my finger on why those thoughts have changed. But I am glad that for the first time in my relationship I feel like I am as deserving of him as he is of me. I am a respectful person, I am kind, trustworthy, honest, compassionate, smart. I am a good wife and a good mom. I am educated and when I am not knowledgeable about something, I learn about it. I am capable and valuable and especially valuable in my relationship with my family and in my role in this life I have. And I feel pretty darn good about that today.

Finally... an endocrinologist

After over a year of trying to figure out why my little Slobber Rocket isn't growing very quickly I think we finally got to a doctor who can help us. She is a bit over 3 hrs away at St Louis Children's Hospital (an absolutely beautiful and amazing facility created just for little ones) but she is committed to making sure he is okay and I really like her. We took Slobber Rocket to see her for the first time on Friday. She did a very thorough exam on him. Measured his height, weight, head circumference, wing span, inseam... hands and feet. Anything you can think of. A whole lot of history questions. A lot of poking, feeling and making sure he isn't sick and all of his organs seem okay. Lots of looking for signs of dysmorphic features that would indicate a congenital disorder.

Then... music to my ears... or well music to my ears was at the beginning but I didn't want to tell the story that way. :) She said "well, this is not a nutritional thing, his BMI is good... he is just so short that he doesn't NEED to gain weight". I know, that seems like a "duh" to me too but if you have kept up with our story, I have been told numerous times that he just simply doesn't get enough calories. I must say our ped has stuck it out with me and worked with me when I insisted the gastro was wrong so I can't blame her much. Anyway there is something going on with him and now we are working to figure it out. She assured me that we were in the right place and that she would help us.

Anyway the basic plan of action is to make sure he is systemically okay. He had a urine collection and blood work while we were there. She is testing for diabetes, thyroid problems, celiacs, for some byproduct hormone issues (basically a screen for a hormone problem since growth hormone isn't available at all times during the day), kidney issues... I think that kind of covers it. If any of those tests come back abnormal we will deal with it. If his screens come back abnormal then she will have us come back up very soon and we will do what is called a "stim test" (short for stimulation test) where SR will be hooked to an IV, given medication to stimulate growth hormones, and have blood drawn over the course of about 3 hrs. If the hormone screens are wonkey, he will also likely have a brain MRI to make sure his pituitary glad is okay. If all of that is "normal" we will go back in 5-6 months for another set of measurements and then again when he is about 3. If by 3, he is not growing and is still very low on the growth chart in height, we will do the Stim test then and she will recommend hormone injections for sure at that time whether he has an identifiable hormone problem or not. She said by 3 children will likely never catch up to their peers without help. Which is not a problem if you are going to be 5'5" or 5'6" but we have to decide if we are okay with him being 5'1" or so as an adult and weigh the pros and cons of that. The injections may only give him a few inches or 4 or 5... it is kind of hard to tell. So there is a lot of option weighing.

But I did leave feeling reassured that I know my kids the best and that if I keep fighting for them then I will get them what they need. I also left with a renewed sense that doctors are humans and it is absolutely okay to challenge them when you think they are wrong. I think so many people elevate doctors to some position of be all, know all and really they are people. Yes, people who have studied a lot about medicine, and their field but still people. And intuition seems to have a good deal of weight and parents are the best source of intuition. So challenge your doctors. I pretty much always want my doctor to prove things to me. I know I am a pain in the neck sometimes but they couldn't prove to me that SR was malnourished or FTT so I refused to believe it because I know how we take care of him. And if they could prove that he was malnourished then they were going to prove to me why. Does he have an allergy, an illness, or a metabolism problem? That is a bit of a tangent but I do think we are our own best advocates and certainly the best advocates of our children who otherwise can't easily speak for themselves.

At any rate... we left with one of the best doctors in the country saying he is absolutely perfect health wise but that now we need to figure out what is going on in his tiny body and causing him not to grow. So forward we go. It kind of seems like we will be getting to know St. Louis Children's hospital a bit over the course of the rest of our tenure in Illinois. And I am okay with that. Dr. A is an intelligent, bright young doctor who really seems to love children and wants to help us figure out what is going on with our son. I will take frequent 3 hr drives for that :)

Damn Knee

Just got home a bit ago from seeing Patty the ortho NP. My MRI was a bit of a mess. Lots going on inside of my knee. Bone contusions, torn meniscus and as the radiologist puts is my acl is "likely torn". Likely because they couldn't see the part very well that seems like it is torn. SO. More time on crutches, more drs, and I am guessing at the very least a scope on my knee to get a better view of my acl and see if the meniscus damage is going to inhibit my mobility at all. So there you have it. Next tuesday I will be seeing a new doctor to figure out what we need to do. So I will be out of athletics for a bit. I will have not nearly enough time to pick up training for the half EVEN IF I don't need surgery. There is no way. Just so frustrating. I am hoping PT is miraculously all I will need so MAYBE I can get back at it by softball season. *sigh* I am annoyed.

Reality bites

I had some tests done today at the hospital. I ended up spending over 3 hrs there this morning for the testing I needed to have done. While it did bite... that isn't the reality I am talking about. As I was waiting for the lab to call my neurologist in peoria about some bloodwork I needed... an older man came in with his family. He was with his son and some lady that referred to him by his first name... Jack. Jack was 70 years old and has liver cancer and a lifetime of smoking has eaten away at 2/3 of his lungs. His cancer is bad. Reminds me of how my family felt when Mr. Wonderful's grandpa got sick. Jack was given 3 months, tops, to live. His family was very sweet and chatty. Jack was quiet and slowly sipping his coffee... looked like he was thinking some big thoughts and just listening to the 2 people that he loves talk to me and discuss things. Just contemplative. You could tell he was thinking about deep things. Life and death, his tests, his family.

About this time the phlabotomist comes out to speak to Jack and his family. She tells Jack that his insurance will not cover 2 of his tests. The total cost he would be responsible for was roughly $700. One of the tests was very important for his doctors in trying to help him be comfortable and possibly receive treatment for his illness. He got a bit angry and irritated and said "I guess I will just go home. I don't have that kind of money." His family convinced him to go through with the testing and promised him they would figure out how to pay for it and he needed to try and not worry about all the details. Then, this is where tears started streaming down my cheeks... I was trying to hide the fact that I was listening but my heart was breaking in a million little pieces listening to this. He looked up at the tech and said "It is just horrible that someone works hard their whole life and when they get old and sick... people just want them to hurry up and die. I just need people to care and make sure I get the help I need". The lady speaking to him was very sympathetic and sweet. But I think everyone in the room was crying. He was telling her hw he worked for 56 years as a truck driver and how he was a good man and paid his taxes and did the right things and now he can't get the care he needs. There were many sad things about it all. The pain in his son's face, the frail, sad voice of a man you can tell has always been strong and capable, and the fear that you could tell the whole family felt about death. Death was just hanging there in the room. Everyone knew it and everyone was terrified and Jack was just... needing some compassion and help. He was needing to feel like the medical community cared about him... Jack... and not about money.

His friend/daughter in law... whatever she is... was telling me that his insurance would only pay for him to be in the hospital for 48 hrs when he got sick and he was not ready to come home when they sent him home over the weekend. But since he has been deemed terminally ill and has a timeline, his insurance doesn't want him IN the hospital racking up the medical expenses even if he needs the 24 hr care for a week to get his strength back. Ugh... it makes me tear up just thinking about the story again. The emotion and fear in his voice was just so evident and I wanted to run up to him and give him a big hug. "I care about you Jack!" I don't know you at all other than what I saw today but I care about you and I want you to have good care. I want you to be able to feel respected and loved in your last days of life... however many may be left. I am sorry that I didn't let you know myself today that it breaks my heart to see you suffering. A big part of me feels horrible about that.

Volleyball...

Volleyball is my... stay in halfway decent shape so I can play softball... sport. Then the spring comes and I play softball until it is TOO COLD in Illinois to play any longer. Anyway, I am a little grumpy because when playing volleyball on Monday I hurt my knee. Um... not exactly sure what is going on yet but the injury is extremely similar to how I tore my ACL in high school. My left foot stayed planted and the rest of my body kept going. Pop, pop, crack goes the knee... I go down and clutch my leg. And then it swells like a balloon and I can't move it very much or walk on it. I am "non-weight bearing" for at the very least a week and a half. Until after I have my MRI and see ortho again. Of course, that is torture. How do you take care of 2 kids with no hands? I am having a difficult time figuring it out and cheating A LOT. I figure, can I really mess it up that much more? I doubt it. Don't tell my dr. she would kick my butt. But corralling a 2 year old with no hands to help is next to impossible. Putting said kid into the car with no hands is also impossible. Keeping up with Super Muscles is also impossible if I am following drs. orders. So... I am trying but failing miserably. I know as my arms and core get used to the crutches, it will improve. But for now I am annoyed and feeling slightly sorry for myself. And honestly, I am irritated that I hurt my knee playing a filler sport and not one I am even that sold out on. ha. Oh well... I will see what the MRI says and get it fixed. I gotta play sports and stay active or I go stir crazy and I am far to competitive to let my knee stop me from getting back in the saddle. My dream would be that I can be ready for softball but word on the street is that I need to slow down "for a while" so we will see. Me slow down? This woman obviously doesn't know me well. That is my one topic update for today. Hopefully I will blog more updates soon as I am confined to sitting around for a while...