The Adventures of Super Muscles

I know...

2011-09-06T15:55:00.002-05:00

It's been a while huh? I have had great hopes of keeping up with my blog more but life has been busy and bustling. It is just finally starting to settle into a routine for my big kindergartner. Isn't he delicious? Look at those blue eyes! He loves school just like I knew he would. But finding a normal routine for me and Slobber Rocket has been slow going. I think we are finally getting there.

Cancer Sucks

2011-07-24T08:30:00.001-05:00

Yes, I know... nothing new or amazingly insightful. But I just need to get it out. Cancer sucks! Cancer sucks bad. I have a sweet friend who has beaten brain cancer once and it is back now. Stage 4. She is in the hospital right now because it has maybe moved to her lungs. She is young... just a couple of years older than me. And she has 2 beautiful sons who are 5 and 4 years old. Their dad died

Summer Bucket List (through the eyes of a 5 year old)

2011-07-01T17:03:00.000-05:00

See Cubs play at Wrigley Field. Watch Fireworks Go to C's house Go to the zoo Play in the sprinklers Ride a train Watch a train at Culver's Wow, hes an easy date. I think we can get these things done this summer. Fireworks on monday. Zoo, train and cubs when we go to Chicago in August. And the other 3 are very easy. lol. Hope its a fun summer for him though. I can't believe this boy is starting

Tests and waiting... wee!

2011-06-29T22:40:00.000-05:00

There are some things you never get used to admitting. One of the things I have the hardest time talking about with people is that I have something wrong with my body. Most likely I have Multiple Sclerosis. I need one more clinical symptom to get a diagnosis. And since I definitely have lesions on my brain and several of them... there is no way to be cleared of MS really. I have known and so have

Conviction and Heartbreak

2011-06-22T00:50:00.000-05:00

Conviction is a tough pill to swallow. Today I turned on the radio twice to the bridge of Sidewalk Prophets song "you love me anyway". I am the thorn in your crown, but you love me anyway. I am the sweat from your brow, but you love me anyway. I am the nail in your wrist, but you love me anyway. I am Judas' kiss, but you love me anyway. See now, I am the man who yelled out from the

Joy comes in the morning

2011-05-19T00:18:00.000-05:00

For a while anyway. I have been so excited about my trip to Ghana that I have been pushing a lot of big things to the back burner. Unfortunately all those big things came out tonight as a long conversation with the hubs before bed and LOTS of tears. I am sad. I mean I am happy about many many things but I am also sad. Right now, I can't stop thinking about my step dad. He is sitting in some

While the nation celebrates

2011-05-02T11:53:00.000-05:00

While our nation celebrates, I am sitting at home feeling incredibly sad. I wish I could really explain what is in my heart but I have already been terribly misunderstood so I doubt seriously that it is possible. Why are we celebrating the death of a human being? Why are we in the streets cheering that someone's dad, brother, child, grandfather... whatever, was shot dead in a war? My heart is sad

Kanee and ch-ch-ch-changes

2011-04-18T11:48:00.000-05:00

"Mom, is that word ka-nee?" "no Buddy, that word is knee, when a K and an N are next to each other at the beginning of a word it makes an 'Nnn' sound" "well that doesn't make any sense" "You are right K, there are lots of rules in the English language that don't make much sense but we have to learn them if we want to be good readers and writers" "well, it is still silly"... well there you have it

Knee Surgery... tomorrow

2011-04-12T12:51:00.000-05:00

I am going to the "little hospital" in town tomorrow for my ACL revision. I have to be there at 5:30 am. No food or drink after midnight so I am glad I have the early surgery :) It is outpatient and I am hoping to be home and in my own bed (or couch) by noon. That would be glorious! I am going to be flat on my back for a few days and drugged up! So if you want to have a funny conversation with me

Perception

2011-04-12T12:31:00.000-05:00

I used to be a member of a Martial Arts class in my hometown. Our instructor used to say something to us all the time and it went like this "You are not only responsible for your actions but also how your actions are perceived." He definitely wasn't a perfect guy but this advice has stuck with me. There is a group of friends online that I have had since I was pregnant with my oldest son. So we

Brief update

2011-04-06T19:57:00.000-05:00

We added a button to our funds account for Ghana. You now have the option to donate monthly for the next 7 months. Anything you donate will go toward building the school as well as school supplies and expenses. Thank you so much for supporting me in this. Also keep up to date with the goings on of our trip by following this blog: www.tinyurl.com/Ghana2011. I really am working on a blog

Getting my knee fixed up!

2011-04-06T19:07:00.000-05:00

I am probably one of the few nuts that is semi-excited about having surgery. But... I am. Heh. On Wednesday the 13th I am going to have an acl revision on my left knee. I was very worried that my surgeon wouldn't want to do it again but thankfully he didn't even hesitate and is sure he can get it working :) The reason I am so excited is because I will be able to play softball and run again in a

Fundraising!

2011-04-04T08:02:00.001-05:00

Fundraising is well underway for our trip to Ghana in November. We have a lot of money to raise so we have to get a move on. If you would like to help, I have added a chip-in button to the left of posts on the blog. I will also add it at the end of this post. We have already met 1% of our $30,000 goal to build the school at the Village of Life "campus". I am praying that God will continue to move

That big thing I was telling you about..

2011-03-30T13:59:00.000-06:00

Remember I said I had big news? I am going to share it with you :) In November of this year, I am going to Ghana, Africa on a mission trip. Here is what we will be doing (in summary from JD) Our trip to Africa will be in support of George and his team at PACODEP. We will serve alongside of him while he visits the child slaves on the islands of Lake Volta. This will allow us to gain a better

Other goals

2011-03-28T08:02:00.000-06:00

I have also been thinking about some other goals that are not really as "heavy" as life goals. Still important to me though. 1) Get a dSLR and learn about photography 2) Find some new alternatives for competitive sports that doesn't require tearing my knee up (which is a frustrating goal but apparently necessary as I can't play volleyball and basketball and soccer... sigh) 3) Read more often 4)

Goals

2011-03-25T08:24:00.001-06:00

I am trying to go about really figuring out what I want in life so I am going to list some goals as I think of them. I already have many scribbled into my journal so I am going to start there I guess. 1) Raise successful/content children. An ongoing, constantly fluid goal. One that influences pretty much all of my decisions and right now my number one goal. 2) Get a degree: The problem... I have

Finding me inside this life

2011-03-24T22:45:00.000-06:00

For the last 5.5 years or so I have pretty much been a mom. I dropped out of college to have my Super Muscles and became a stay at home mom. When we moved to Illinois, around SM 1st birthday, I started really wanting another child. Mostly because I looked at my oldest son and knew that I really wanted him to have a sibling. I knew if we didn't have another child now, even though it was an

A Parent's Role

2011-03-19T19:57:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine and I have been talking a lot about having children and when you know you are ready and how you know your kids will turn out okay and you won't screw them up. She is married and they are considering trying for children soon. I am really the only person her age that she knows who has a few years of parenting experience. So today at lunch we were talking about what a parent's role

The Hard Questions

2011-03-15T11:27:00.000-06:00

I know that everyone thinks of hard questions. Whether it be about their beliefs or suffering in the world or mortality or... I know the must. It isn't something that people really talk about a lot but, what the heck, honesty is a lens into someones true soul (or something like that) right? So I am going to put out there some things I have been thinking about. Feel free to comment, think or do

Some things are moving in the right direction

2011-03-12T14:23:00.000-06:00

I have been so busy lately. Don't even really know where to start. I guess we can start with my knee... I tore my acl again for sure. I am in PT twice a week until I see the surgeon on April 5. Slobber Rocket is bouncing between slightly anemic and normal hemoglobin levels on his CBCs. It can be normal variability though. But his ferritin is low (his iron stores) so he is taking ferrous sulfate

Finally... an endocrinologist

2011-02-28T08:01:00.000-06:00

After over a year of trying to figure out why my little Slobber Rocket isn't growing very quickly I think we finally got to a doctor who can help us. She is a bit over 3 hrs away at St Louis Children's Hospital (an absolutely beautiful and amazing facility created just for little ones) but she is committed to making sure he is okay and I really like her. We took Slobber Rocket to see her for the

Damn Knee

2011-02-21T11:42:00.000-06:00

Just got home a bit ago from seeing Patty the ortho NP. My MRI was a bit of a mess. Lots going on inside of my knee. Bone contusions, torn meniscus and as the radiologist puts is my acl is "likely torn". Likely because they couldn't see the part very well that seems like it is torn. SO. More time on crutches, more drs, and I am guessing at the very least a scope on my knee to get a better view of

Reality bites

2011-02-16T16:41:00.000-06:00

I had some tests done today at the hospital. I ended up spending over 3 hrs there this morning for the testing I needed to have done. While it did bite... that isn't the reality I am talking about. As I was waiting for the lab to call my neurologist in peoria about some bloodwork I needed... an older man came in with his family. He was with his son and some lady that referred to him by his first

Volleyball...

2011-02-10T20:55:00.000-06:00

Volleyball is my... stay in halfway decent shape so I can play softball... sport. Then the spring comes and I play softball until it is TOO COLD in Illinois to play any longer. Anyway, I am a little grumpy because when playing volleyball on Monday I hurt my knee. Um... not exactly sure what is going on yet but the injury is extremely similar to how I tore my ACL in high school. My left foot

Why am I an orphan?

2011-01-19T22:02:00.000-06:00

How can I be 25 years old and still feel like an orphan? That is what I keep asking myself over and over. I am a wife and have my own children. Why do I keep trying to fill this parent void? The expectations keep hanging around though. I expect my mom to meet certain standards and for whatever reason she can't. It isn't my fault and in some ways, it isn't even her fault. I wish she would get the

He doesn't need me anymore!

2011-01-11T09:47:00.000-06:00

Hello, I am around! I promise. It has just been a long couple of weeks for me. Very little sleep, doctors appointments, winter vacations, Christmas, working out... Anyway, I think this is completely normal but I have been feeling a bit sad lately about how little Super Muscles needs me. The biggest thing that makes me feel this way is that he reads fabulously. Which... that is great! But he

What it is like.

2010-12-30T22:36:00.000-06:00

I have been told numerous times lately that it is beneficial to try and see other people's viewpoints. This may seem simple to most people and just like a "duh" kind of thing but to me its difficult. It has nothing to do with what I want for myself and more to do with how my mind interprets information. But I am slowly relearning some things and working on it. But that isn't really what this post

Expectations

2010-12-23T22:01:00.000-06:00

I am learning a lot about myself. Starting to figure out what is truly important to me and what is meaningless. Starting to learn how I actually feel instead of covering it up with pleasing everyone. Addressing all the hard stuff in my past and even present and putting them in their place, assigning feelings and emotions, and working... legitimately... through them. One thing that i have learned

Cr-48

2010-12-19T22:35:00.000-06:00

I had been expecting a package to come in the mail for my boys for about a week. On Thursday night the doorbell rang and I peeked out the blinds and saw that the ups man had just made a delivery. I was very excited to go get the gifts that were being delivered to my little men. Ooohh... pretty plasma cars. They are not from me and MW so I was even going to let them open them that night. We were

A big change

2010-12-14T09:18:00.000-06:00

I only have the time and or... energy to discuss one huge life altering event at a time. And since there are plenty of them going on in my life right now... I guess you just have to wait in suspense. Or something like that. I highly doubt anyone actually waits in suspense for me to update my blog but I can dream. Ha! Anyway, I guess the real story starts back in October. I was working on telling

Sicky boys

2010-12-10T22:51:00.000-06:00

Sorry about the long break. My Super Muscles was very sill for almost a week. He is finally getting better and it looks like little bub has croup. So I am in the middle of juggling sick kiddos with all of life's other adventures. I do have some big life updates coming soon though. So... I know you are on the edge of your seat. I hope to update very soon. Just keep thinking and sending and praying

Grief comes in waves

2010-12-02T17:34:00.000-06:00

The other day I was adding some items to our registry like I do every year. Our families really like having this so they have ideas about what we need and would like. They don't live close so this really helps everyone out in many ways. Anyway, I went to the page and signed in... and I saw that the last visitor to my registry had been MW Grandfather. And I just sat there and cried for a while.

Day 29: Super Muscles

2010-11-29T10:53:00.000-06:00

Heh, I am bad about skipping a day on the weekend. Too much football I suppose. Smart and quirky. Fun and lovable. Carefree and hilarious. My Super Muscles is a boy after his daddy's heart. From the way he thinks to the way he talks to the way he dances... it has his dad written all over it and I LOVE it. He is super intelligent and talks like hes 15 quite frequently. He loves puzzles and

Day 27: My Slobber Rocket

2010-11-27T19:38:00.000-06:00

Blonde hair, hazel eyes, 30.5 inches tall, 19.5 lbs of... pure energy! My Slobber Rocket is a complete and total blessing. He is very animated and happy. Nearly always laughing or trying to get laughs out of others. Funny and ALL boy. Crashing cars, riding bikes, throwing balls. He has a big personality. He shows all of his emotions in a huge way. You know exactly what he feels and what he wants.

Day 26: Motherhood

2010-11-26T20:03:00.000-06:00

Life changing, world shifting, huge responsibility... children. I am so thankful today that I have had the opportunity to be a mommy to my two fabulous sons. I will talk about how thankful I am for them in the next couple of days but motherhood seems a bit different to me than being thankful for them. Becoming a mother has taught me so much. It has sent me on a path to try and find healing for

Day 25: Thanksgiving Day

2010-11-25T08:50:00.000-06:00

Today is a day to take time out and intentionally and gratefully think about all the blessings in your life. It is amazing how overwhelmed I feel when I think about all the blessings in my life. Most of them are in my house right now laughing and watching "Kung Fu Panda" on tv or pacing around the house really wanting to go outside to be with her master who is starting up the grill to smoke the

Day 24: Mentors

2010-11-24T10:55:00.001-06:00

I am thankful for the mentors I have had in my life. These would be women who have led me in faith and have taken me under their wing and nurtured me. Been there to give tough advice and help me through crisis in ways only a mentor can. A friend but a different kind of friend. Maybe not someone I see so much anymore but people that I KNOW that I can call anytime and they will make time for me and

Day 23: People who "get it"

2010-11-23T12:19:00.000-06:00

I have 3 girlfriends who "get me". One of them is my best friend who I mentioned on another post. She certainly gets me. My jokes, when I am sad and hiding it, when I am frustrated... she knows it. All about it. But I have 2 other friends who get me in a way that is hard to explain. Both of these friends are long distance friends. I have met one of them... once and the other one I have never

Day 21 and 22

2010-11-22T10:17:00.000-06:00

Sorry.. the weekend got the best of me again. Lots of fun to be had with my family and I just didn't get a chance to blog yesterday. Please forgive me :) I am completely committed to getting all of my days in though so you get 2 days worth of thanks today! Day 21: My peeps who always help me find those important Christmas gifts (or any other random thing I am looking for) for my boys. I posted

Day 20: Sports and Competition

2010-11-20T19:02:00.000-06:00

I am a very very competitive person. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I love to win. I love to play sports and games. So I am thankful for sports and competition today :) Thankful for the softball teams and volleyball teams I have been on since I came here. Thankful for the friends I have made playing sports. Thankful for the fun and the laughs. Thankful for the undefeated fall ball

Day 19: Community

2010-11-19T12:18:00.000-06:00

I saw that a friend today posted about how much she loves the community we live in. And... I kind of agree with her! I love the place that we are calling home right now. I love the massive amounts there is for families to do here. I love that there is a lot of culture. I love the University and all the opportunities it provides. I really enjoy the people I have met here. It is so... mid west.

A perfect heart

2010-11-18T14:55:00.000-06:00

Slobber Rocket's doctor's office just called to let me know that the little man has a perfect heart. Completely normal! This doesn't really help us know why he isn't growing well but it does let us know that it isn't because of a heart condition. The leading theory is still a hormone problem so we plug forward with that next... well, we are hoping to enjoy a rather medical free, test free holiday

Day 18: Child Life Specialists

2010-11-18T12:04:00.000-06:00

A what? Yea... I had never heard of one either. But SR had an echo-cardiogram today and when I was preparing to take him for this I asked for some advice on how to get him through a pretty lengthy test unscathed. One of my dear friends suggested I see if the hospital we were going to had a Child Life Department. I had never heard of that either. So I searched the internets and found nothing. That

Day 17: Church

2010-11-17T12:13:00.000-06:00

I emailed a church friend the other day because she works as a doctor at the local "big" hospital where my son is going to have his echo done tomorrow. I wanted to know if she could help me figure out if the hospital offers a certain service. I couldn't find any information on line and I have major phone anxiety. Phone tag is probably one of my least favorite activities on the planet if I am

Day 16: Needs are met

2010-11-16T12:27:00.000-06:00

I was doing the bills today. My husband gets paid once a month. So... every month on the 16th (or the friday before if it falls on the weekend), I set out to pay all of the bills that we have for the month. This is a discouraging thing for me. Like sometimes I get really upset. When I pay all the bills and see how much money is left for food, gas, and fun (or in today's case: Christmas gifts)...

Day 15: Doctors

2010-11-15T12:55:00.000-06:00

I know I posted being thankful for my Slobber Rocket's overall health and included a blurb about his doctors. But I wanted to add to that. I took my tiny guy to the doctor again today and was reminded how much I appreciate doctors. SR and SM see a female doctor who is kind spirited and calm. She is very easy to like. But most importantly, she really cares about my children and their health and

Day 14: Rest

2010-11-14T07:53:00.000-06:00

The weekends are generally days of rest and recuperation for me and I am so thankful for them. Saturday morning me and my boys always go out for breakfast, we run errands together, we take naps, we play, I have lots of daddy help with the boys. It is so low-key and relaxing. Actually my anxiety is generally as low as it gets on the weekends when I am spending time with my husband and boys. I look

Day 13: Finding my voice

2010-11-13T10:10:00.000-06:00

I have been really stretching myself lately. Figuring out what is best for me and for my family. Letting go of expectations. Speaking out about past abuse. Setting boundaries. Refusing to own other people's feelings (this is SO hard for me... people pleaser and typical peace keeper). It has been terrifying in many ways. I have confronted some of the hardest and scariest situations in the past 4

Dad, I'm hungry!

2010-11-12T18:50:00.000-06:00

So my Super Muscles is a thinker. He really is. He definitely contemplates what to say and how to say it and he is kind of... dramatic. So Mr. Wonderful admitted to me this morning that he was being rather lazy and still lazing around in bed at 7:30. The boys were in their bedroom. I am sure SM was playing and the toddler was in his bed talking and such. And I guess Super Muscles tummy started

Day 12: Motivation

2010-11-12T14:41:00.001-06:00

I have been wanting to set some pretty big goals for a while. Work out goals, life goals, personal goals.... I find myself getting into a pattern of getting kind of stuck in life. Feeling like I give a whole lot but that I have very little purpose other than taking care of my child. And while that purpose is amazing, I am at a point where I just need something more. I put my schooling on hold

Day 11: Veterans!

2010-11-11T08:02:00.003-06:00

Of course on Veterans Day I HAVE to give a shout to out all the veterans out there. You all amaze me and I am so thankful for your dutiful service to our country. I will be the absolute first to admit that I do not understand war, I can also be the first to stand up and say that I value soldiers immensely. I understand the sacrifice, at the very least, that families make in sending their loved

Day 10: 70 degree weather...

2010-11-10T07:30:00.001-06:00

in NOVEMBER! That is right baby, I am super excited about the 70 degree weather we are getting at a time when it is normally freezing and snowing. I am not at all a fan of cold weather. Not only do I hate being cold but its hard for me to go anywhere because as soon as the cold hits my face, my lungs get mad. Thankful for the extra time to play outside. Thankful for the added weeks of good health

Day 9: Preschool Musings

2010-11-09T12:06:00.003-06:00

Well, as much as a preschooler can muse, I guess. Mine sure tries hard. He is a thinking boy! Super Muscles says some hilarious things when he is trying to figure something out or concentrating hard on something he has learned. We hear gems come from hidden conversations he has with his brother... MW was just telling me about a conversation he overheard on Saturday night... he had put the boys

Crisis and Conformity

2010-11-08T16:58:00.002-06:00

*another excerpt from my brain... may not be completely coherent or even remotely. Please forgive me but I am in a raw kind of mood right now so this will be a raw sort of post. Honesty though, is one thing that is pretty uniformly found in my writing So, if it doesn't make sense, chalk it up to my brain being special and if it does... I hope it helps you to see life through my lens a bit. I

Day 7... AND 8

2010-11-08T11:20:00.001-06:00

Yea, I know... I blew my 30 straight days. Ha. It was a busy weekend. Anyway I am going to post 2 things I am thankful for today to make up for it! Numero 7- Alone Time! And that awesome husband of mine who makes sure it happens. It can be exhausting being needed 24/7. It is actually very hard sometimes. I am not a big toucher and my kids (especially Slobber Rocket) LOVE to be touched and

Day 6: Best friends

2010-11-06T06:00:00.033-06:00

Every have a friend that is totally like... I don't know... living inside your head? Well, I do. I don't have many significant relationships in my life (again this is not a reflection on people that care about me but more the inability for me to maintain trusting relationships or relationships that are not superficial... I am working on it!). So this friend is pretty special to me. The fact that

Day 5: Preschool Teachers

2010-11-05T09:20:00.001-06:00

Today I am taking a moment to express my thankfulness for Super Muscles preschool teachers. They are fabulous. He has 3 teachers in his head start class and they are all extremely kind and patient. You can tell that they enjoy their job and they are all such compassionate people. School has been fabulous for SM. He loves going and I know it is because of M, F and Miss L. They spend one on one

Day 4: my home

2010-11-04T06:58:00.001-06:00

Almost 4 years ago... MW and I set out with our tiny 10 month old Super Muscles to explore central IL to see if it was a place we wanted to move to. Really the options were few considering Mr. Wonderful was starting school as a grad student in the spring rather than the fall. It is very rare to do such a thing. But we decided that UofI was an awesome school and there would have to be very big

Cute kids in costumes :)

2010-11-03T13:41:00.001-06:00

And a cute daddy with his adorable blonde haired look alike. <3 this man and all the ways he takes care of us.

Day 3: my counselor

2010-11-03T06:57:00.001-06:00

Yea, no joke... this week in particular I am very thankful for my counselor. She spent a half an hour on the phone with me yesterday helping me work through some stuff and talking out the events that are unfolding right now. She is infinitely patient with me but also very firm and wants to push me to change/succeed and reach my goals. Sometimes she pushes me right to the edge but she always seems

Crazy week.

2010-11-02T21:11:00.001-06:00

Be superforwarned... this is a very disconnected brain purge. If it makes no sense, please don't say I didn't warn you. I am pretty sure this has been the most emotionally draining week of my life. There is too much that is too private to go into but I think I can hit some of the highlights in order to document how I am feeling without getting too into it all. So far this week I have let go of

Day 2: carefree childhood

2010-11-02T06:39:00.001-06:00

Since I can't do anything to change my past, I have been damned and determined to give my own children the childhood they deserve. The childhood all children deserve. When I think about all of the things I am thankful for this is right up at the top of my list. I am so very thankful that so far my sons have had a carefree childhood. They don't have to worry about their daddy leaving. They don't

30 Days of Thanksgiving

2010-11-01T08:46:00.001-06:00

Day 1: Gym Membership I don't like Christmas music very much... true story. But I do love Thanksgiving and I think Lindsay has a great idea in her "30 days of Thanksgiving" blog extravaganza. So I have decided to participate. I will post either one entry about what I am thankful for every day or I will add it to the end of a post if I have a different one for the day :) I am thankful today

I did it.

2010-10-29T21:06:00.001-05:00

I have been in counseling for four months now working on one goal and one goal alone. Well today, I accomplished that goal. I do have to sit back and wait for the bomb to go off but I did it. I am a nervous wreck. My hair is falling out, my stomach hurts constantly, I can't think, I am nauseous, I am getting lots of headaches and body aches, I can't sleep, eating is difficult (unless its a

Being okay...

2010-10-21T13:29:00.000-05:00

with not being okay. My counselor asked me to think about how I can be okay with not feeling okay as I make some very big decisions. I have avoided answering this question for days. It seemed the hardest of the things I am supposed to think about. I guess the first question is: is it okay to not be okay? I generally feel like I am letting people down if I am not okay. I have kids to raise, a

Annoyed

2010-10-18T16:10:00.000-05:00

Super Muscles had a dentist appointment at school today. He goes to Head Start in our town and they have a program called Healthy Smiles where they send dentists to the school to check out the kiddos teeth and they get them cleaned. It is a cool program. Anyhu, Super Muscles got up on the chair and let the hygienist count and floss his teeth. He played with the mirror and he wore super cool

Bullying

2010-10-07T10:11:00.000-05:00

THIS is such a good (even if long) read. I hated middle school... it was seriously the worst 3 years I can think of (and that is saying A LOT). I was teased a lot, I was threatened, I had very few friends, I hated myself. I was short and small and shy. But eventually the teasing helped to turn me into angry and hateful. I wanted some people to die in middle school. I can even feel the sadness

Wide awake and faking it.

2010-10-07T01:05:00.000-05:00

Love when its 1am and I am still awake! It usually means I can't turn my mind off or I am not feeling well. Tonight its both :( My ear is not feeling all the cold weather and allergies I have going on. Well, actually, it IS feeling all that. Which means my ear is hurting and clogged and annoying. Good thing I go see Dr. Y on Friday. I am starting to think we will become BFFs before me and my

So envious!

2010-10-04T23:16:00.000-05:00

How do people decide what they want to do with their lives? I am 25 and I feel no closer to knowing what career I want than I did at 17. I chose a major that I thought I would like and I got into it and just discovered that it was too... political (special education if you wanna know). I took loads of psychology classes and loved them. And some social work classes. The social work classes I took

Self-importance

2010-10-03T23:33:00.000-05:00

It seems to me like our society really values the idea of altruism. Doing something for someone else at your own expense to better their life. Or putting someones welfare above your own. It is a very noble idea. It is actually something I value very much. I think its a true testament of humanity and "evolution" that such a thing exists in the world. That a species can have some representatives

Simple is... complicated

2010-09-27T13:05:00.001-05:00

I am a very simplistic thinker. I mean there are usually only two options right? Right and wrong. Good and bad. Correct and incorrect. Well that isn't actually right but that is how my brain works anyway. I have a very hard time seeing the complexity in situations. I make judgments pretty much solely on what I perceive to be good or right. I shun what is wrong or bad. I am terribly hard on myself

Lesson Learned

2010-09-16T12:48:00.001-05:00

I have spent a lot of time thinking about faith and religion lately. I think often about the parts I love about it and the parts that are less than desirable. I love God. I love community. I love the principles of the Bible (loving God, loving others, selflessness are among the tops...). And there are other aspects of faith that I love. The comfort having belief in God provides me with. The

Sharing too much

2010-09-13T12:48:00.001-05:00

As I have discussed in the past, I have a hard time making friends. This is something I talk about a fair bit in counseling. I don't live very close to my family and it is important for me to build a network of people I can trust and depend on. But also, people who are there for my kids in ways that my family can not be there for them. They need more than JUST me and their dad. As much as I would

Moving past Anger

2010-09-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

My counseling assignment this week is to write out all of the reasons I am angry with someone who has been very influential in my life. I didn't really want to do it and I still don't. The thought I keep having is that I don't want to focus on anger! Because it upsets me and adds to my anxiety. But as I started writing, and writing, and writing... I realized I have a lot of anger trapped inside.

Figuring it all out and preschool

2010-09-01T18:32:00.000-05:00

Figuring out who you are or who you want to be is tough. Acting perfect doesn't work and neither does acting how you feel. Both of them alienate me to the point of feeling like no one really wants to get to know me. It is like you have to balance a good persona with the true, harsh realities of life. You gotta let the good show and hints of the tough but not too much of either. No one wants to be

18 months strong

2010-08-28T23:23:00.000-05:00

Over the course of the last 6 months or so, my Slobber Rocket has been weaning. He is now, with a bit of prodding by mama, nursing only once a day. Generally he nurses between 10 and 11pm because he has the metabolism of a humming bird (or what I assume a humming birds metabolism must be like). Tonight he ate a pretty good dinner so I am going to try and let him sleep through the night without

I am not an extrovert: the first step is admitting you lied to yourself.

2010-08-23T13:25:00.000-05:00

It is kind of funny how you are constantly learning new things about yourself. I was telling a friend today that I always had this notion that I was extroverted. Well, I am not sure if that is the right way to put it but I sure spent a lot of time thinking I was extroverted based solely on what I wanted, in my head, from a social standpoint. I like the idea of social. I love the idea of having

A funny story about a Great Dane

2010-08-20T13:51:00.000-05:00

Super Muscles is a very observant little guy. The other day we were at the ball park watching Daddy play softball. There was a young woman at the park with her HUGE great dane. His name was Jackson and I am pretty sure he weighed at least 140 lbs. GIANT. Super Muscles head was the only part of him that stood taller than this dog. The child was in love and went immediately over to Jackson's owner

Cherishing Marriage

2010-08-19T12:46:00.001-05:00

Beware of sappy post. Avert your eyes if mushy makes you queasy. Don't say I didn't warn you ;) I have a good husband. He is a very good, genuine, and kind man. He puts our family first and he is sacrificial in so many ways. He forgoes many of his own wants to meet our needs and wants first. I am madly in love with him and I am not even remotely afraid to admit it. His personality is full of so

Words, words, words

2010-08-14T22:11:00.000-05:00

Now for something not quite as deep from me. I know, I have been serious huh? Well, that is life for me right now... kind of serious. BUT I have a whole lot of cuteness in my house so I will shift to my 18 month old blonde haired delicious Slobber Rocket. He is a chatty little boy! His older brother did not hardly say a word until 2 years old. When he finally started talking it was like he had

Perspective: Own verses others

2010-08-12T17:07:00.000-05:00

One thing I am learning right now is that people need people. It is amazing as I open up about myself some of the people who have contacted me or who I have just had a sense about who say "you know, I feel like you might understand this". I had one such conversation like this recently. I think I may have helped my friend a bit but she also helped me see something kind of eye opening. She was

Expectations.

2010-08-09T11:28:00.001-05:00

Expectations are a funny thing. For me, they serve as a way to challenge myself. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to meeting expectations. I have to be on time, I can't bail on people, I have to meet expectations! Failing makes me feel horrible so I tend to be everything to everybody. Taken to the logical conclusions, this is not a healthy way of living. I can not meet everyone's

The ear saga...

2010-08-06T22:29:00.001-05:00

So... LONG ent appointment today. 2+ hrs. I didn't really find out anything new. My eardrums don't work. I have mild hearing loss. My Eustachian tubes are stupid (they do NOT work). And so far we don't know why and/or have not come up with a medication combination to help. The current theory is that my allergies are so bad that the nasal inflammation and sinus issues are causing my E tubes to be

On the mend

2010-08-05T23:51:00.001-05:00

I did end up needing to take Slobber Rocket back to the doctor today but the on call doctor decided against a blood draw. Which... seems to have worked out in a good kind of way. Slobber Rocket has been fever free all evening and without medication. So I think he just had a random fever. It is going around in little ones here right now so says the doctor. Just wanted to let you know hes feeling

Sick kiddos and concerned looks

2010-08-04T23:22:00.001-05:00

Both of the boys are sick right now. Super Muscles has a virus. He has a very nasty cough and drainage. Mucous everywhere. He is choking on some gross stuff every single time he coughs. He just... LOOKS sick. The boy rarely slows down but his eyes look ill and he is slow and tired. Dr. H thinks that he should just have a few more days left of this though and he will hopefully get some good sleep

Superficial

2010-08-03T21:55:00.001-05:00

Have you ever acknowledged something about yourself that was not really good? You admit that it is a problem but you have no clue where to even begin to start fixing it. You know its a destructive behavior but logic can't overtake emotion for some reason... That is where I sit tonight. I know I have a problem. My problem is that I make and maintain almost exclusively superficial relationships. I

Something about being real

2010-07-30T12:35:00.001-05:00

For a long time I have been trying to figure out what my blog was for or about. Sure, it is about my life as a mom and as a wife. It is about 2 cute little boys and their crazy adventures. It is about grad school and getting to the other side. But lately I have felt the need to be more transparent with some of my struggles because I am beginning to see that everyone needs someone to relate to. I

Super Muscles Reads!

2010-07-28T13:35:00.001-05:00

Here is my sweet boy reading a story!

Environmental Contributions...

2010-07-27T01:11:00.001-05:00

As everyone is starting to learn... I have 2 beautiful kids who have some sensory issues. I would not classify them as ridiculously bad or anything. My older son has problems with sound (which is a problem I have too... ). He is terrified of sounds above and beyond what is normal. This does not pose any significant issues most of the time but it can be a little hard to deal with. We avoid some

Busy and running

2010-07-23T12:36:00.001-05:00

Mr. Wonderful left on Sunday for what I lovingly refer to as a "nerd conference". Yes, if you haven't already noticed the pattern, he goes to quite a few of these a year. So every single moment of my time has been occupied with some very excessively needy children this week. We all miss Daddy. He comes home today though! So we have been going to parks and bowling and to VBS this week to just try

Family update :)

2010-07-14T18:38:00.000-05:00

So, Slobber Rocket is doing well in speech therapy. Still not getting enough calories because he won't eat enough but we are trying to work on ways to improve that. But he does seem to be adjusting to some new textures and he is becoming more accepting of foods and playing with them more and more. Now if we can get him to pack on some more weight... Progress is slower than I would like but I can

No touching please

2010-07-09T09:55:00.001-05:00

I went to my first counseling session yesterday. I found it to be... strange. I had a lot of anxiety about it and had to talk myself into going in. Like, I called a friend because I was about a half a second from turning around and going back home. My stomach was killing me, I was nauseous, I was feeling like the car was closing in on me, I couldn't think and it was getting hard to breathe... I

Wordless Wednesday

2010-07-07T09:58:00.001-05:00

Slobber Rocket Update

2010-07-01T10:44:00.001-05:00

My little Slobber Rocket has been going to speech therapy for... 6? weeks now I think. He is doing okay. It is very slow going and his food choices are really limited still. He also takes forever to eat one meal because of various sensory issues he has with eating. Yesterday at speech we spent an hour and got 10 noodles (maybe), a bite of shredded chicken, a few bits of cheese, and a graham

Will you let me drown?

2010-06-16T22:54:00.001-05:00

In your ocean I'm ankle deep, I feel the waves crashing on my feet; It's like I know where I need to be But I can't figure out, I can't figure out Just how much air I will need to breathe When your tide washes over me, There's only one way to figure out Will you let me drown? Will you let me drown? And the water is rising quick, And for years I was scared of it. We can't be sure when it will

Pushing through

2010-06-12T12:27:00.001-05:00

I wrote my last post as something that just kind of happened when I sat down to write. I didn't really mean for it to turn out how it did but I think it reminded me of who I want to be. And who I want to be is: not a victim. Some days I think I have accomplished that. Sometimes I feel very confident in myself and my decisions. I feel like I am on the verge of forgiveness or that I have even fully

Achieving Happiness

2010-06-09T15:58:00.000-05:00

I am very confused oftentimes by what people think will make them happy. The perfect job, the right girl or guy, a great sex or party life, the "right" degree... the list goes on and on and on. If I just had a bigger house, or better stuff, or more money my life would be better. But life doesn't work like that. People are not happy based on what they achieve or how others make them feel.

Banana Ice Cream

2010-05-28T13:51:00.001-05:00

So I found this recipe through a friend for banana ice cream and it turned out really well. I don't let my boys have a ton of sweets so this satisfies the "ice cream" craving with none of the sugar or added ingredients that are normally found in "Ice cream". That is because it is not really ice cream... it just turns into an ice cream consistency. It has been kid tested in my house and the

It is all about the fat

2010-05-24T16:47:00.001-05:00

Really, my life is consumed by fat. Not because I like focusing on every morsel of food that goes into my kids mouth but because that is what life has been forcing me into lately. Near 16 mos old and still not 18 lbs. That is my Slobber Rocket. A peanut. I keep taking him for weight checks and doctors keep telling me he is too small and to put him on sugar laced nutrition drinks and take him off

Causes I am passionate about #1: Food

2010-05-10T13:56:00.001-05:00

I have decided that in an effort to write more often I am going to start a mini-series of blogs about causes I am passionate about. I have ideas for quite a few I can write about so hopefully this will be fun and informative for people. Mostly this will be my opinion and experience mixed with a bit of research I have done on the subject but I am not an expert on much so you just gotta take it or