Thursday, May 19, 2011

Joy comes in the morning

For a while anyway. I have been so excited about my trip to Ghana that I have been pushing a lot of big things to the back burner. Unfortunately all those big things came out tonight as a long conversation with the hubs before bed and LOTS of tears. I am sad. I mean I am happy about many many things but I am also sad.

Right now, I can't stop thinking about my step dad. He is sitting in some prison in Indiana... I am not even sure where. I could find out if I tried hard enough but I haven't found the case on the interwebs or anything. But I am sad thinking about how lonely he must be. There is a difference between thinking someone did something wrong and are getting punished for those poor choices and feeling sad that a human being, and one that I care about even, is alone and has had all of his rights stripped from him. I think I did the right thing even though I feel a huge amount of sorrow and even guilt for setting it all in motion. Everyone seems to think I should be happy about this too... but I am just sad and feel like its my fault. And it is my fault to a large extend and I need to be okay with it.

The deal is, he did something horrible. He violated the trust of 2 children. He violated 2 children. One of those children was me. And when he was left alone with my son and nephew, I freaked and ran as hard as I could to find a counselor who would help me figure it all out and tell my family because I could not take the anxiety attacks and guilt and sheer feeling of absolute failure at keeping my son safe. He is okay by the way... it was literally a car ride alone with him from point A to point B. But still... it was enough to scare the crap out of me. I couldn't let that happen to my kids or any kids that I love. I just had no other option and I had to do what I felt was right. I had no way of knowing it would turn into this. I wasn't ever going to press charges... and I didn't. I just wanted him away from my kids and my nieces and nephews. That is all. Its a bit messy because going into the rest of it gives personal details about people I have no right to give personal details about. But the point is this is not at all how I expected it to end.

I never expected to be sitting down writing a blog thinking about how my dad was going to spend the next (at least) 8.5 years in prison. I never expected to feel so confused about it. I never expected so many people to tell me how to feel about it.

I never thought I would have next to no relationship with my mom at this point in my life. And it isn't personal. It is just what I need right now. And some days I feel literally choked by the anger that surrounds our relationship. My anger mostly. How do I let go of it? I am working on it with D (my therapist) and I have come a long way but people are getting really impatient with me. Frustrated that I am not moving toward reconciliation fast enough. But I have to take care of my own emotional wounds and needs and those of my families first. Raw wounds are ugly and I don't want any ugly relationships anymore. I just don't.

Never thought I would be recovering from my 2nd acl repair or have allergies to the extent that I have them or be in the process of being diagnosed with a chronic illness. Never imagined I would see 4 specialists about my ears and still have no real answers on how to help them.

But I also never known Redemption like I have seen in the last year. I never thought that I would be able to get to the point of trusting someone to help me with my past and work through it. I never thought I would have the strength to go through all that has transpired in the past 6 months. I never would have imagined preparing myself for going to Ghana. I wouldn't have known that with all the health problems I have, that I would have the energy to fund raise and network like I have. Sure sometimes I do it while laying on my bed so tired I can't think straight and with numb hands but I always have the ability to keep going. I never knew I would see a few relationships get stronger than they had ever been or that I would meet my bio dad and form some kind of... friendship... with him. Or that as terrified as I was to send Super Muscles to preschool that we would both absolutely love the experience more than I can express. And the biggest thing I would have never guessed... was that I would be sitting in my living room right now, feeling so much compassion for a man who hurt me so much. Never in a million years would I have guessed that. And I know that if I can feel compassion for him, I can find that for my mom. It is inside me somewhere and I am trying so hard to find it but I am encouraged by how things have changed so far.

That is the remarkable thing about it all. I have been closing my eyes and hanging on to Jesus for dear life. More than I ever have... and you know what? The miracle is that he has given me enough excitement to drown out a lot of the sadness. It still creeps in and I still see my therapist every week and have PT 3 times a week and drs appointments. And even emotional break downs when I get overwhelmed. But it's good. Life is good and I am happy because I have seen so much redemption and healing in my life. And I know that I know that I am not alone in all of this. It is an amazing feeling. Tonight I weep... but joy comes in the morning.

Monday, May 2, 2011

While the nation celebrates

While our nation celebrates, I am sitting at home feeling incredibly sad. I wish I could really explain what is in my heart but I have already been terribly misunderstood so I doubt seriously that it is possible. Why are we celebrating the death of a human being? Why are we in the streets cheering that someone's dad, brother, child, grandfather... whatever, was shot dead in a war? My heart is sad to see this. I feel nauseous every single time I see someone cheering in the streets or a new facebook update about how justice was served.

Justice was not served! Justice will never be served. There is no way to bring back innocent people. And this doesn't stop the war. It doesn't bring back our men and women from Afghanistan. I would be totally surprised if we didn't just piss off a bunch of crazy terrorists. What justice is that? Putting more of our soldiers in danger is not justice.

I know people who were in NYC and in Washington DC and who have fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. People that I dearly love have suffered far greater than any person ought to suffer in life. My brothers have seen things no one should ever see. Innocence has been killed trying to get at this man for the past 10 years in the form of young men and women serving this country and children and women being in the wrong place at the wrong time. War is not justice. Death is not justice. Peace is the only thing I can think of that approaches justice for the lives lost.

I will never forget how my stomach sank and my body filled with nauseousness as I saw people cheering in the streets near the White House just like I will never forget watching the 2nd plane fly into the tower and the towers collapse with thousands of people inside. Nothing will change those feelings or the consequences. We didn't just make the world safer, we made the world angrier and more uncertain. And I just don't feel like that is celebratory.

I echo everyone's sentiments toward our troops though. They are who put their lives on the line for us everyday. They are brave men and women dedicated to protecting our country. And I am extremely thankful and proud of them.

So, I think this is worthy of feeling. It is monumental. It is history altering. It is something I will always remember. Where I was when waiting for Obama to address the nation that Osama bin Laden was dead. But I won't remember it like so many people probably will. War is not justice. And I am pretty sure that is one conviction I will always have. I have seen what war does to people. I have brothers very affected by war. It is not Justice.